Dating with ADHD

Dating is a skill. And like any skill, it takes practice. ADHD can intensify dating challenges. Like, masking to be someone we’re not so the other person will like us. Or, having intense feelings quickly, and jumping into a relationship that may not be what we want in the long run. 

Dating coach Amie Leadingham visits the show this week to talk about what a dating coach does and common dating pitfalls. Host Cate Osborn addresses what these challenges can look like with ADHD on top. 

We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org.

Related resources

• Is it love or is it dopamine?, from Tips from an ADHD Coach

• A dating coach talks ADHD and super-connecting, from How’d You Get THAT Job?!

• Amie’s website, amiethedatingcoach.com

Timestamps

(03:59) What does a dating coach do?

(08:07) How ADHD can affect dating

(09:29) ADHD and “love bombing”

(12:56) What is “screening”?

(14:04) Masking in dating/The “marketing trap”

(17:50) How to ask good questions

(19:45) What to do when you realize your relationship might not be what you want

(21:37) How can people with ADHD show up to be good partners?

(23:42) When do we disclose that we have ADHD?

(25:21) Trouble with time perception and texting

(26:20) Trouble with impulse control and dating

(27:30) Amie’s question suggestions

(29:00) ADHD and oversharing

(30:54) Amie on a dating timeline

(33:10) ADHD and kink

(34:24) Where you can find Amie

Episode transcript

Cate: Hi everybody. It's me, Cate Osborn, and welcome back to "Sorry, I Missed This." Today on "Sorry, I Missed This," I'm really excited because we are going to be talking about dating. And boy do I have a lot to say about ADHD and dating.

Now, if you know one person with ADHD, you know one person with ADHD. But what happens when two people with ADHD find each other, or one person with ADHD finds somebody without ADHD? Or if you get the special bonus combo platter that so many of us have, one person with ADHD meets one person with autism? We balance each other out. But boy, it can be difficult to figure out how the dishes get done.

Even more than that, even past the emotional regulation and executive functioning, there's also just simply the way that our ADHD brains latch on to focus and to stimulation, because we really easy to bombard that cool person that you just met on that dating app with text after text after text, and all of a sudden they're like, "Wow, slow down, you're being really weird." And you're like, "I'm sorry. I'm just really into Shakespeare." Maybe that's a problem that you've never had, but I've definitely had it more than one time.

Dating is hard, and I was bad at it. And what I would do over and over and over again was I would embark on this journey of social chameleon, and I would turn into the person that they wanted to date. So, like my first boyfriend, this is a true story. My first boyfriend was deeply into cars. He loved cars. I don't care about cars. Cars, to me, are objects that take you from point A to point B, and that's fine and that's allowed.

But instead, I became a car girl and I learned a lot about engines and transmissions, and I could do that because my ADHD supported that and the hyper focus and the hyper fixation. But the whole time I was being dishonest, I was presenting a version of myself that didn't actually exist. I was just doing it for his convenience and his delight. And I did that more times than I'm willing to admit before I started realizing how unhealthy that was, how uncaring and compassionate to myself it was.

And so, I think when we talk about dating, I think that it's also really important to talk about dating and ADHD and how it can be both a boon and sometimes a hurdle to get over in order to create the most fulfilling relationships possible.

Now, when I decided that I wanted to do an episode about dating, I was like, who could I possibly talk to that would help sort of explain all of this? And then y'all, I found Amie Leadingham, who is the author of "A Woman's Handbook to Online Dating."

She's a certified master dating coach. She's built a literal, actual empire, helping others reach their best dating potential. She's been named LA's best dating coach and best online dating coach in the entire internet, in the entire universe. She is the literal, actual expert on all things dating and best practices. We're going to talk to her in just a couple of minutes.

But before I do, go ahead, dear listener. And I would like, if it's OK with you, I want to hear your wild and funny ADHD dating stories. And so, if you'd like to email those to sorryimissedthis@understood.org, I wouldn't be mad. And maybe, just maybe it'll end up on the show. So anyway, now that my producer is freaking out because I said that, let's start the show.

Amie Leadingham, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for being here.

Amie: Thank you for having me.

Cate: I have a really important question to start. I know you are an expert in all things dating, all things romance, all things relationships. What is the name of your dog?

Amie: Buddy and Xena. I have two of them.

Cate: Yeah. It's just, it's really important for me to just know that off the bat. Buddy is a great name for a dog. Mine's named Bailey and I love him.

(03:59) What does a dating coach do?

So, Amie, the first thing that I would love to know, just what is a dating coach? What do you do for your job?

Amie: I help my clients get conscious about dating and get intentional and mindful about dating. I think a lot of us were just thrown out there without really knowing skills or habits or really even what we want in a relationship, and we end up going for what's good on paper. We end up going for chemistry or connection that we don't really understand why we're connected to this person, and then sometimes it fizzles out so quickly and then we're like, "Why does this keep happening over and over and over again?"

So, I help my clients become really clear about their ideal vision of their partner, their relationships, so that they can actually screen and find love.

Cate: That's fantastic. So, I'm curious about who comes to a dating coach. What type of people do you see? Why do they come to you? Why do they say, "Actually, I think I'm going to hire a coach to help me out with this."

Amie: Yeah. I have three types of clients. One of them never has dated before. In fact, I have a client that where their parents actually bought them the dating coaching package.

Cate: That's a cool move. That's a cool move.

Amie: And that's, you know, the type of client that I've worked with before, and I've taught them the skill sets, taught them online dating, how to approach it in a more vulnerable way, you know, but smart too. And then they found love. And then the second type of client I have are ones that actually have gone through a lot of trauma themselves. You know, it's usually me working along with a therapist and then us, coming and building the confidence for our clients and then helping the client to move through and find love.

And then the last type of client I usually work with are people that they just don't have the skills. They've never really, for some reason, they keep creating the same habit over and over again, and they can't move past the first, second, third date or get a longer relationship that will lead into something significant, you know, it eventually ends.

Cate: I love that you refer to dating as a skill, because skill implies that it's not something we're inherently born knowing how to do, right? Like a skill is something you have to practice and develop. And so, do you see that a lot, that people, some people are just not good at dating right away? and so, like what they really need is just the skills, the practice of the skills, I guess I should say.

Amie: Absolutely. I think when it comes to dating, I don't think any of us were taught in school. And I think growing up, like we don't inherently know, like we're not taught these things, we interpret them. And then all of a sudden we use those same tools and we start coping with maybe there's moments where we feel insecure in a relationship, or when we don't feel confident, how we cope with those feelings, whether it's passive aggression, avoidance or just shutting down, it plays a big part in how we connect or disconnect with a partner.

Cate: So, Amie, I love the idea of really defining and establishing dating as a specific set of skills that we can develop over time. But I also heard you say a lot of dating is figuring out what we want, what kind of partner we're looking for, what kind of partner we want to be. And I wonder, how do we do that? What are the skills that we need? What are the conversations that we need to be having? How do we do that?

Amie: Yeah, skills are so important. Like, coming down to active listening, learning how to ask questions. I always say you need to have a list of your non-negotiables, getting really clear about your values and your life vision, the things that you want, and then being able to vet a person across from you. And those skills also require you to be vulnerable and ask for your needs to be matched or sharing your needs, and then paying attention to reactions, your body language, or how you show up on a date.

(08:07) How ADHD can affect dating

Cate: I'm particularly interested in how navigating ADHD can impact dating, especially when we're sitting down and we're trying to practice these skills. We're trying to define what we want and what we're looking for, and how those two things come into balance.

Amie: I know when it comes to, and I'm not the expert here in terms of ADHD, but I understand that I've worked with clients that have had it, is that we kind of jump into the feelings very quickly, and it's very exciting, and the emotions and it's like the honeymoon phase, it feels so good and it's so important, like to know, like it is a phase and we don't realize that. And then all of a sudden the feeling goes away and then we're on to the next person.

And when it comes to love, it does hurt the other person tremendously and they don't even know that they're doing that. So, I ask my clients to really slow down. I'm like, slow down, screen the person for at least three months, and I know that there's going to be these honeymoon feelings, these chemicals, hormones just pumping through you, but know that it's a phase.

And that we need to look at people's characters and their values and how they show up for you in the long term. So, if they're showing an inconsistency and actions and words meet, match, then you know, you can trust this person and you can build a relationship with them.

(09:29) ADHD and "love bombing"

Cate: It's so interesting to me to hear you say that, because I know that as a person with ADHD, that's absolutely something that I have struggled with, that idea of slowing down and not rushing into things. There's been a conversation a lot online about the idea of like love bombing as it relates to like, narcissism. But also a lot of ADHDers see that behavior of, "I'm so excited about this person and I'm really interested to get to know them, and so now they are going to become my new hyper fixation. And I'm messaging them and I'm texting them every day."

And it's not coming from any sort of nefarious purpose or manipulative idea. But what is happening is that excitement and that honeymoon phase, like you said, that takes over. And then all of a sudden we're, you know, 2 or 3 weeks in, and then that phase starts, you know, kind of wearing off a little bit, and then we're texting them less and then we're texting them less.

And then sometimes you wind up ghosting somebody who you really liked because you burned all that energy at the front end. And I think that's something that people with ADHD really need to be aware of, because it can really impact how you show up in relationships.

Amie: I absolutely agree. And at the same time, I really think being compassionate with yourself and just knowing that it's a pattern, and if you know that this is a pattern that could, you know, hurt someone else's feelings or even hurt your own feelings, then this is something we have to self-reflect in and say, "Maybe I can do better in this area. What can I do?" And that's, there's books, there's, you know, professional, self-help professionals, there's therapists out there, people that can actually help support you through that process.

Cate: Yeah. And what does building those skills look like? How do you learn to slow down? How do you learn to evaluate? How do you learn to do that? With the mindset of, if I take my time, I can build a really solid foundation with this relationship that can help me move forward into something more intimate, more romantic, whatever it may be.

Amie: Yeah, so there's two parts of it that come to mind. The first part is I call it "slow down to speed up."

Cate: OK. Tell me about that. That's fascinating.

Amie: It's like you're meeting the representative. The person that you're meeting is putting their best foot forward. You really don't know who they really are. So, even though it feels like so exciting that this could be the one. And trust me, I've been in your shoes. I've done it too. "This could be the one, I'm so excited, I can't stop texting." And you know you talk for four hours on the phone. However, know that this is the tip of the iceberg. There's all this stuff that you have, you don't know anything about this person.

And so, give yourself time to get to know them in a deeper level. It helps build a connection that's long-lasting more, that goes beyond the honeymoon phase. The second part is like what you said earlier, what am I looking for? A lot of us go immediately for that chemistry, that connection where we don't realize that that dissipates within 18 to 24 months. It's not long-lasting.

So, know what your core values are. Do you want a family? Do you want somebody that's adventurous, that wants to be out there with you? Do you want somebody that makes you feel emotionally safe? Look at what's important to you and screen that person to see if they have the ability to do that for you in those first 90 days.

(12:56) What is "screening"?

Cate: I wonder if you could break down screening for us just a little bit more. What are we actively doing? What are the things that we're thinking about? What are the things that we're looking for when we are in this process of screening?

Amie: Yeah. When it comes to the process of screening, it's about knowing your non-negotiables. These are your deal breakers in relationships. It's pretty black and white. There's no gray area. And it's very subjective. So, you know, spirituality, for example, means different things to different people. You need to define what that means to you.

And then get really clear down to the level, like what ideally do you want your partner to be like within spirituality within your relationship? How do they hold space for you? And then you screen the person when you're hanging out with them. You ask questions and you're like, "So tell me about your definition of spirituality. How does it play a part in your life? What does it look like?" And the goal is just to see if their levels of spirituality matches yours. And if it doesn't, there's no judgment. It's just, "Oh, we're just not a good fit there," if this is a dealbreaker for you.

(14:04) Masking in dating/The "marketing trap"

Cate: I'm also curious about a common trend with a lot of women with ADHD, particularly late-diagnosed women with ADHD, which is we live our lives not knowing that we have ADHD, and so we create these systems and these structures and these ways of being that sort of carry us through the struggles of having ADHD. You know, like we might be struggling internally, but externally, you know, we look like we're doing fine.

And for some women with ADHD and I don't want to speak for all of them, but for a lot of the ones that I've met and talked to, we tend to become people pleasers. We tend to become chameleons where we lose our sense of self. We lose the sense of what do I really like? What am I really interested in? Because if you feel like you're struggling all the time, it's a lot easier to be agreeable and, you know, sort of go with the flow in terms of...

I know I always use Star Wars as my example. Like it took me ten years to realize that I didn't actually like Star Wars all that much because I had just gone along with it my whole life because it's like, "Well, yeah, sure, Star Wars seems great. You seem cool." So, how do we create skills and structures that prevent us from doing that? Or at least we can slow down and remind ourselves if we find ourselves doing that? Did that question make any sense at all?

Amie: Absolutely.

Cate: OK.

Amie: I call it the marketing trap. It's where you morph yourself and market because you really like the person or you want to feel like you belong. And so, you people please and you get into the rhythm of that. Well, you know, the key really to break that is authenticity. Authenticity, vulnerability, and the last part is really about being the chooser.

So, authenticity is just showing up as yourself, flaws and all, and being able to share like you're feeling a little bit insecure. Share that maybe you don't like Star Wars and everybody else likes it. You like Star Trek instead.

Cate: Yeah.

Amie: I mean, just owning what you want and knowing that your people, the people that are meant to be in your lives, are going to embrace you as your authentic self. And that's actually the only way you can create a genuine connection with somebody. And it builds intimacy and trust with that person. So, it's kind of works as a filtering system for the right people to come into your life.

Cate: It's also something that I learned a while back that has really stuck with me, is the idea that mind reading and people-pleasing isn't some way, it can be manipulative because you're not giving, and again, not in a nefarious way, not in a you're trying to get something out of this person or something like that, but in a way where if you don't give the person that you're in a relationship with the space and the time to come to their own decisions and share their own opinions, you're doing their thinking for them.

And so, then do you really know them? Are you really giving them the opportunity to come to you as their authentic self? And that's stuck with me a lot. And I wonder if that shows up in the work that you do as well.

Amie: Yeah, absolutely. I think when you're constantly people pleasing and you're not showing up as your authentic self, it's kind of the person that's coming in there having an expectation of you to be this way in the relationship for their lifetime, for what they expect, and then things start changing. And this is why, even with the 90 days, it's actually for ourselves too, as people pleasers. And I put myself in there because I struggle with people pleasing. Right?

Cate: Yeah.

Amie: And so, you know, I'm like, "Oh, don't don't morph into this," you know. So, it's important, like when you do morph into something, you're not really giving that person the opportunity to create a genuine connection with you.

(17:50) How to ask good questions

Cate: I have such a wildly specific question for you.

Amie: Sure.

Cate: I'm so excited that I get to ask an expert. Finally. I've been wondering about this my whole life, so a common thing that happens in a lot of neurodivergent relationships is this idea of anecdotal communication, where we tend to communicate in stories where you come home and you say, "Oh my gosh, I had such a bad day at work." And as a means of empathizing, as a means of relating, we say, "Oh my gosh, I had a really bad day at work."

And that can be tricky for people who don't necessarily utilize anecdotal communication and it can also be tricky if you are a person who does utilize it and you never really learn how to ask good questions because everybody around you just talks and stories all the time. Once you start noticing it, you can't unnotice it. And it's wild.

And so, I wonder, for people like me who are aware of that sort of anecdotal communication style, and I want to be better about it, and I want to develop better question-asking techniques. How do we do that? What does that look like when we're starting a relationship, building a relationship, getting to know somebody?

Amie: The best way to ask a question is to ask it in an open-ended way. And so, first put your active listening hat on. I always say take on, take off the hat of your just normal day. Just put your active listening hat on and then ask an open-ended question and sit and listen and really delve deep like the second and third-level questions, right?

I always tell my clients to look at it as kind of a video game. You're getting into different levels. And the deeper you get, the more information you're gathering. Because that's the goal, is really to get to know the person across from you in a deeper way to see where you guys connect in your values.

(19:45) What to do when you realize your relationship might not be what you want

Cate: So, one thing that I notice about a lot of late-diagnosed women with ADHD is that we can spend a lot of time not knowing what we want or working to develop those skills. And then as we do, sometimes, then only after we've been in a relationship for a while, do we start really discovering like, "Oh my gosh, maybe these non-negotiables are present in this relationship and I'm really struggling."

So, what do you do in a circumstance where maybe because of a late diagnosis or because of, you know, whatever therapy you're going through, whatever it may be, you're starting to realize "Maybe this isn't the right relationship for me." What is, what is that look like? What do we do in that situation?

Amie: Yeah. That's common. I mean, there are a couple of different options. One, you know, the obvious one is reflecting and saying, "I just don't think this is going to work." This, leaves a relationship, right? Because this is a deal breaker and I can't negotiate it. The second one is actually reflecting and seeing "Is there areas of negotiation?" Often we have very black and white thinking on certain things, and it could be something that can be worked on as a couple.

And there's compromise. And then all of a sudden there's ability to work through and manage that. And the last one is to just, you know, if you love the person so much to the point where you're like, "I know this is frustrating, but I'm going to accept this person for who they are, and I'm just going to let go of this part because everything else is so good."

Cate: That's really powerful too, the idea of working together with your partner in order to sort of make the relationship work in the best way for both of you. Like, that's really vulnerable. That's exercising a lot of empathy, a lot of kindness, a lot of compassion, both for self and for other.

Amie: Absolutely. I mean, that's the whole purpose of the connection and love, you know, unconditional love in that area.

(21:37) How can people with ADHD show up to be good partners?

Cate: So, I wanted to focus a little bit on the idea of how do we as people with ADHD show up to be good partners. And I'm wondering, in your vast experience and expertise, what makes a good partner? How do we develop skills to be a really good partner, even when we're dealing with the challenges of ADHD?

Amie: I think when it comes to partnership, the analogy that comes to mind is a three-legged stool. There is you, there is your partner, and there's the relationship. Each one of those parts are very important. However, they all have to work cohesively to make the stool stand. So, that means that partner A needs to have their own identity, but they're also prioritizing the relationship.

B, same thing. Partner B is prioritizing the relationship. And the relationship prioritizes them too, so that every part of that stool is balanced. But if one person is more about their needs, or the other person is so involved where they lose their own needs, the stool starts to topple. So, it's important in like in a great relationship that they're co-creating it together and prioritizing it together.

Cate: It's so fascinating how often we come back to this idea of just radical honesty, radical vulnerability, radical self-compassion, and validating our needs and validating our wants and saying no in this relationship. For me to be successful to be a good partner, here are the things that I need. Here are the things that I need from you. Here are the things that I need from myself. And it feels like the stronger your skills are in those sort of self-analytical areas, perhaps a better partner you can also be to other people around you.

Amie: Absolutely. And I think what you're describing is just empathy for the other person and understanding and knowing that we all have different values, we all have different needs and willing to ask and understand and listen and then willing to share and have the other person make you feel seen and heard.

(23:42) When do we disclose that we have ADHD?

Cate: One question that I get asked a lot in my work with ADHDers is the question of when do we disclose? When do we tell someone that we have ADHD? Does it need to be a big thing? Can it just be something you mentioned offhandedly? Do you need to sit down and have a whole conversation about it? As somebody who works with a lot of people in new relationships, do you have opinions on it?

Amie: Yeah, I do, because I feel like we need to be compassionate, sensitive to ourselves in sharing because we don't know the person across from us. We don't know how they're going to react to us. And if they do something that's going to be very hurtful, it wasn't worth us sharing to them. It doesn't matter what it is we're sharing. So, I really think there needs to be some level of emotional intimacy, emotional maturity, trust before you even consider sharing it with this person.

That could be at any stage. I can't give you a timeline, but I'm just saying you'll know when you're like "I feel emotionally safe with. This person. I think I'm ready to share this."

Cate: It's funny, because me, I accidentally got famous on the internet for having ADHD. So, now anytime I go out with, like, anybody, it's, "Oh, you have ADHD.: I'm like, "Yup, sure do." So, also, dear listener, consider what you tell the internet if you want to be a person who dates.

Well, OK. Now I'm just going to give you some rapid-fire ADHD questions. Is that OK, Amie?

Amie: Absolutely.

(25:21) Trouble with time perception and texting

Cate: OK. So, first question, a lot of executive functioning differences that come with ADHD can be extremely impactful of relationships, including things like time perception. How long is it been since I've texted this person? Has it been, "Oh, I meant to hit send, but I didn't. And now it's been three days and I'm really embarrassed." Do you have any advice for maintaining relationships? Keeping relationships fresh and healthy if you are somebody who tends to struggle with that?

Amie: Yeah, absolutely. I really believe that, again, vulnerability is power. Yeah. You could just say "I tend to text people a little later, and if I do that, please don't get offended. I'm really interested in you. I like you, and I'd love for us to continue this conversation. Are you OK with that?"

Cate: That's great. Also, you can hit him with a "Sorry, I Missed This."

Amie: Perfect.

(26:20) Trouble with impulse control and dating

Cate: Quality content. All right, well, the second question I have actually, all my questions have to do with executive functioning. So, just buckle in. We're just going to go down this road. So, the next thing that I'm interested in is the idea of impulse control. And that's sometimes, "Oh my gosh, I can't wait to text this person. I'm going to do it right now," even though I know I should wait. And the way that impulsivity and reacting immediately in accordance with our emotions, that can also really impact a relationship, especially right at the beginning, right?

Amie: I think when it comes down to being impulsive, we tend to commit too quickly. We tend to jump into things without really paying attention, "Oh wait, is this a really good fit for me?" And then a lot of us in relationships will backtrack and try to make the relationship work. So, it's important to like say, "Hey, you know what, I'm going to slow down. I'm not going to jump in and take action right away. I'm going to give myself some time and just slow down to speed up."

Because when you slow down and you start being more intentional and you start choosing a person and you're not being impulsive, the relationship you might find will build a longer-lasting bond and last beyond, yeah, the honeymoon phase that we talked about.

(27:30) Amie's question suggestions

Cate: Do you have a group of recommended questions or just conversation starters that you recommend people who are sort of starting this relationship ask each other or discuss to make sure that they're moving forward in like a way that's going to work for both of them?

Amie: Yeah, I think when it comes to questions, again, we talked about open-ended questions, but asking someone's passion and asking about what drives them, asking about what red flags they're looking out for in a relationship, what green flags they're looking out for in a relationship. And this one actually shows vulnerability and the ability to see if they're willing to connect is asking them what their biggest fears are. What are some of the things that they were challenged with in the last year, and how that they move through it, and it shows a lot of character and how they resolve their problems.

Cate: What are like some of your favorite first-date questions?

Amie: So, first two questions it's just sticking to what their interests are. What do they like to do, what their experience is like with dating, and things of that nature? Just keep it light. You don't have to go too deep, you know? And I personally, honestly, you know, you can have one deep question and you can go deeper a little bit deeper. But I would say for the most part you can stick it to the hobbies and interests. Yeah.

(29:00) ADHD and oversharing

Cate: How do you feel about the question, would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses? This is why I don't date. I love that you say this, and I'm getting excited because I think, again, you've hit on a key thing that I know a lot of women with ADHD struggle with, which is that moment of getting to know somebody, and you get so excited and so very quickly in 20 minutes or less.

Now you have this new best friend who knows everything about you and everything about your life, and you're going deep and you're telling them about your childhood and your hopes and your dreams and all of this.

Because so many women with ADHD, again, I don't speak for the group, but so many women with ADHD tend to be very charismatic. We tend to be very outgoing. We tend to be very like verbose and oversharing. So, how do we get to know somebody while also avoiding that tendency to overshare and go past, keeping it light, keeping it casual, just touching on hobbies?

Because for me, and I don't know, maybe this is just a me thing, but like to me, I don't care about your hobbies so much as I care about how you feel about curiosity, how you feel about the world, like what inspires you, what makes you want to learn, what makes you want to do you know that kind of thing? Is that a question or am I just making statements at you now? I'm not even sure.

Amie: It depends in the situation. Like each person is different and when you meet a person, it depends on how their level of vulnerability and what their capacity is to open up, right? So, when we start off like I know it's like kind of boring talking about, "Oh, I love the beach too," but it does create some sense of just kind of, permission to know each other and build a connection.

Because when we go in too fast, too quick, it might be like the person might back off and go, whoa, this is a little bit overwhelming for me, right?

Cate: Yeah.

Amie: So, it's really just kind of a slow dance back and forth. And that's why we stick to the surface conversation early, just a little bit in the beginning. But then we want to see it progress to something deeper for sure.

(30:54) Amie on a dating timeline

Cate: What, in your expert opinion, is the sort of ideal timeline on this? At what point do you go from "Yeah, it's been a couple of nice first dates" to "OK. Now I'm, you know, disclosing. Now I'm talking about emotionally intimate stuff." What's a good, solid trajectory do you think?

Amie: You know, I have this number in my mind. It's like by the third date you're getting to know this person. You're like, "Do I see myself dating this person for three more months?" And if I do, if I can see that, then I'm at the point where I can start sharing a little bit more about myself, a little more intimacy, deeper conversations. And then by that third month, do I see myself with this person a year from now? And if I do, then we can even go deeper and we can talk about future plans. Those are good benchmarks to help you know how to proceed in the conversation.

Cate: That makes a lot of sense. What I'm curious about, and you are a dating expert, so I am going to hit you with this one. But what are, what's your opinion on intimacy like? At what point do we start being intimate? Are you like a third date person? Are you a play-it-by-ear person? Like what advice do you have?

Amie: Oh gosh, I'm giving you advice from my point of view because I've done both. I used to just, you know, when I meet someone I was attracted to, I'd be like, "Let's go."

Cate: Yeah.

Amie: So, I never had a problem with that. And however, that always led to me feeling down because some of the people that I chose didn't treat me with respect or didn't actually like me more than sex, right? So, one of the things that I did is I slowed down, and I really do think it depends if you feel comfortable in your own skin and you don't get emotionally attached to somebody and you're like, "You know, I can build a relationship with someone while getting intimate right away," go for it.

But if you're somebody that gets emotionally attached, like me, and you get your feelings hurt when somebody doesn't call you back or you're, you know, it hits your self-worth, then slow down. Take your time to just wait until this person again, that word is, feels emotionally safe with you, and then you can move forward at that point.

Cate: That's really good. That's really good. That's simple. It's simple advice, but it makes a ton of sense.

(33:10) ADHD and kink

OK, so Amie, I do have to ask you because a lot of the work that I do specifically has to do with ADHD and kink and how kink can be a really useful tool for a lot of neurodivergent people that provides structure and stimulation and all of that kind of stuff. And we're going to do an episode on kink later. So, like, don't stress out.

But I'm wondering where does conversations about kink, about power dynamics, about that kind of stuff? Where did those fall in terms of non-negotiables, where those fall in terms of, "OK, now we're going to have a conversation about what I'm into." How do you advise people who are of that predilection handle that when they're building relationships?

Amie: That's a beautiful question. And I will say this, non-negotiables again, if this is really important to you, define it, get clear about it. And within the realms of we're talking about when you feel emotionally safe with this person, it's OK to start sharing and asking questions. Absolutely. Do not hold back because that person needs to know how to make you happy. And at the same time, you would be asking them what is your comfortability and where,, you know, how can I make you happy as well? So I think that's like a really important part of the stage of dating for sure.

(34:24) Where you can find Amie

Cate: So good, so good. Amie, thank you so much for being here today. You are an online dating coach. You are the author of "A Woman's Handbook to Online Dating." You are LA's best dating coach, best online dating coach of the year. You're the expert in all things dating. Amie, I am begging you, tell our listeners where to find you and where they can see all of the amazing stuff that you do.

Amie: Thank you for having me. I would love to talk to you and meet you and get to know you better. So, please go to amiethedatingcoach.com. I have free ebooks. I have a free and relationship readiness review, which is a 30-minute discovery call to really get to know you and see if I can support you in any way. And finally, I do have a YouTube channel, Amie Leadingham, just type it right in or just type in Amie The Dating Coach and you'll get my monthly YouTube videos.

Cate: And also, I'm just going to tell people this because I think this is incredible. Amie also has a service where she will look over your dating profile and help you out with it, if that's something that you struggle with. And I think that's an amazing idea.

Amie: Yeah. Thank you so much.

Cate: Thank you for listening. Anything mentioned in the episode will be linked in the show notes with more resources. Have a question, comment, burning story you'd like to share? Email me at sorryimissedthis@understood.org. This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org.

"Sorry, I Missed This" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ilana Millner is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. I'm your host, Cate Osborn. Thank you so much for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself, remember to be kind to others, and I'll see you again soon.

What if I immediately started choking to that, Jessamine? Would that be good podcast content?