Tips from an ADHD Coach: Is it love or is it dopamine?

Have you ever impulsively thrown yourself into a relationship? Do you change your interests based on who you’re dating? ADHD brains tend to have a lower baseline of dopamine. So, bursts of it can feel extra good. This can happen when we meet someone we like, and want them to like us back. 

ADHD coach Jaye Lin reacts to a quote on changing yourself in relationships from Ange’s ADHD Aha! podcast episode. Listen for Jaye’s own connection to this, and some reality checks you can give yourself.

Have a challenge you'd like Jaye to talk about in an episode? Email us at adhdcoachtips@understood.org

Related resources

• ADHD, loving intensely, and impulsivity (Ange’s story)

• ADHD and emotions

• Download: Signs that ADHD is affecting your relationship

Timestamps

(00:38) Ange’s quote

(03:00) Jaye’s reaction

(04:35) What is dopamine?

(08:08) What happens once we get into the relationship we wanted?

(11:47) What can we do to help?

Episode transcript

Jaye:  What have you done when you've had a crush on someone? Did that person take over all of your thoughts and motivations? Did you suddenly start liking all the same things they do? How long did that continue? 

This is "Tips from an ADHD Coach" and I'm your coach, Jaye Lin. Today we're talking about how ADHD can affect how we pursue romantic relationships. We're going to hear from Ange who was on another Understood.org podcast, "ADHD Aha!," about how her ADHD has affected her love life. 

(00:38) Ange’s quote

Ange: I would impulsively get into a relationship. Whenever we are attracted to something, we're attracted 100%. Just like when I collect hobbies, I want to do this now, and I'm going to go out and buy all of this stuff. 

And so, whenever there is a person that I feel connected to, then I am all in, and I'm going to focus 100% of my time on that person, and it almost becomes like an obsession or an addiction. Like we're very much focused on building that relationship with somebody to a deficit because then we're not looking out for any warning signs. We're not really paying attention to what we want for ourselves. 

And my parents have always told me that I'm like a chameleon whenever I'm in a relationship with somebody, because I instantly am interested in their hobbies, and I'm interested in what they have going on in their lives to where I don't really know what I would want for myself. Like just changing music, the taste of music, and different movies. And I dated a guy that was into hockey, and so I wanted to immerse myself as much as I could in learning about hockey and going to his games. And I'm not a sports person, like, it has to be very intense for it to hold my attention. 

And so, trying those things on and feeling like, OK, I can make this fit, but then after a while it's not fitting right, and then I'm finally like, OK, I'm resigning myself to this isn't what I actually like. But at the same time, I've collected a lot of different things here and there that I find had I not been in those situations, I would not have been exposed to. So, you know, while I may have been becoming a chameleon to that person, I still kept a little bit of that color for myself. 

(03:00) Jaye’s reaction

Jaye: I went through so many emotions while listening to Ange because this is exactly what I've done in all of my past relationships. Every once in a while, someone tells me they're surprised I know so much about a random topic they wouldn't expect me to. And almost all of the time, it's because some guy I had a crush on or was dating was interested in it. 

It's pretty normal for all humans to put forward more effort when pursuing romantic relationships for the first time. The general reputation of a first date is that everyone is on their best behavior. Everyone is trying to impress the other person and trying to limit showing the parts of themselves that would turn the other person off. But with ADHD, it's common for us to do this to an extreme level because of how our brains respond to dopamine. 

Our ADHD brains tend to have a lower baseline level of dopamine, and one effect of that is that we become dopamine-seeking. Because we have lower levels of dopamine than people who don't have ADHD, it feels extra good when we do get bursts of it. 

It's like a contestant on the show "Survivor," winning a challenge to get pizza after living in starvation mode for weeks. That pizza would taste so much better to them than what it would taste like at home in their normal lives. They would likely eat as much of it as they can. Probably more than what they normally would. So, when we get dopamine, it feels really, really good, and we want to keep that feeling going as long as possible.

(04:35) What is dopamine?

But what is dopamine? Well, when humans get dopamine, it feels good, which reinforces whatever behavior they have right before. Dopamine does a lot for humans, including but not limited to giving us motivating energy, reinforcing behaviors, maintaining attention, and increasing executive function. 

There are two significant situations where humans get a bump of dopamine. We get a small stream of dopamine when we are anticipating a good outcome, which motivates us to do what it takes to get the outcome we want. Then, when we achieve that good outcome, we get a big burst of dopamine. 

For neurotypical, non-ADHD humans, this works out pretty great. They already function with a baseline level of dopamine, so there's already motivating energy built in. The extra dopamine they get just gives them a tiny extra boost of motivating energy, but they otherwise function normally. 

For us ADHD humans, the dopamine process often gets more sticky. For many of us, that first stream of dopamine feels like pizza to a "Survivor" contestant, and we want to get more of it. Just like the "Survivor" contestant wants to keep eating pizza even if they're already full. 

So, when it comes to romantic relationships, we are getting a lot of dopamine when we find out that we have a crush on someone. Those warm, fuzzy possibilities feel so good and we start subconsciously planning how we can get them. And while we are chasing after this person, we are also chasing the dopamine we're getting from the pursuit. While we are going after them and getting these high levels of dopamine, our brains are firing on all cylinders and our focus, motivating energy, and learning ability can be fixated primarily on them. 

So, Ange suddenly being into hockey because a romantic interest was into hockey may not have been something she was doing to trick the other person. The dopamine she got from the chase likely meant that she felt good when she was learning about hockey, making her genuinely feel like she developed an interest in hockey. Every step we take that gets us closer to a relationship with the crush feels good, and it's easy for our brains to reinforce that we genuinely want to be this new person we've twisted ourselves around to be. 

But while we are focused on positioning ourselves for romantic success, it sometimes comes at a cost to the rest of our lives. This is something Ange she mentions too. She wasn't paying attention to her own needs, her own interests or anything like that. She was also so fixated on whatever it would take to get this person to want her, the same way that she was overlooking warning signs. This makes sense too. 

Paying attention to the red flags and negative aspects of a crush can put a damper on our feelings toward them. And when we do that, it can also put a damper on the dopamine we get from pursuing them. But we want to keep getting that dopamine. We really want to keep getting that dopamine. This can make us feel like continuing to chase them is the best idea, even when there are signals that they aren't actually what we're looking for. 

(08:08) What happens once we get into the relationship we wanted?

And what happens when the other person returns that crush and we get into that relationship with them? Oh my goodness. Dopamine explosion. It feels amazing. We went after what we wanted, pulled out all of the stops, and we got it. But then what happens? Here's Ange again. 

Ange: It's bad for both parties whenever on the surface, everything seems great, and so you're following that like an adrenaline rush or that instant dopamine high. And so, then it's something that you try to keep building on, no matter what it is that we're doing. I keep thinking back to the whole hobbies thing, but also, if I'm not good at something, then I don't have that drive to continue. 

And so, if I feel like that compatibility isn't being matched by my partner, then it gets to a point where I'm like, OK, well, I'm wasting my time now because I don't foresee me continuing to give 100% in this when that return on investment isn't there at that same level, and my level, obviously has been very intense. 

Jaye: When we finally get the person we are pursuing, we get a huge dopamine rush that can feel euphoric. Just like when we start an exciting hobby or interest for the first time, our intense focus and motivation only lasts as long as the boost of dopamine is there. But then all the anticipation is gone, and with it, the dopamine that was powering us, we reached the outcome. What happens to our dopamine after that? It kind of falls off a cliff. 

And all this twisting and revising we've been doing to ourselves can no longer feel easy and good. It can feel unsatisfying and a lot of work. Ange mentioned that if the other person isn't also twisting and doing the work to fit her, it feels like a waste of time. She put so much effort into being this other person for them, and they didn't seem to be putting the same amount of effort into being another person for her. But how could they? They only knew what she was showing them. 

To her new partner, it wouldn't seem obvious that they would need to do any contorting, because she was doing enough of it for both of them. They're like two random puzzle pieces that don't quite click together, but Ange is completely changing how her edge looks so that it becomes the perfect fit. There is nothing her partner can do to change their edge since that perfect complement to them already exists. 

Suddenly, once we land the person we've been pursuing, we don't have the dopamine to make us feel good about every aspect of them anymore. Maybe we find that we've lost those romantic feelings about them. This can happen pretty often and pretty fast too, especially when we base how much we are attracted to them and how good we feel when we're around them before they return our affections. Was it an actual attraction or was it the thrill of the chase? Unfortunately, for many of us, it can be hard to separate the two until it's too late. 

(11:47) What can we do to help?

So, what can we do if we find ourselves in this destructive romantic relationship cycle where we pursue someone obsessively changing all these aspects of ourselves, then start to lose interest once we get into a relationship? Well, the first step is awareness. So, congratulations, you're already making progress. 

Without knowing that this dopamine field process is happening, it's easy to think something else is going on and develop some pretty terrible self-talk. I know I have. I thought things like, "I'm too fickle to make a relationship work," or "I can't trust these feelings I have," or "I am not built for love." Yeah, I have said that last one to myself and it is pretty brutal. 

Recognizing the role dopamine plays in my life has allowed me to be kinder to myself, and more aware of what is happening when I get into a similar cycle. The next thing I suggest is to figure out who you are when there's no one around. This is really hard, I know. Really, I know. As a lifelong people pleaser, it took me a long time to figure out who I am outside of the roles I play for other people. 

I started traveling alone and asking myself what I want to do if there are no travel companions and no photos to show anyone. The first few times were really hard because I always plan my trips around my companion's interests. Eventually, I figured out what I like to do when I travel. In case you're wondering, it's eat local food, karaoke, and go to afternoon tea. Maybe not something others would be interested in, but that's who I am. 

And this doesn't have to be limited to travel. It can be as simple as asking yourself, what would I do on a weekend afternoon if I'm not sharing my plans with anyone and no one is joining me? Figuring out who I am is just myself means I have a clearer picture of who my compatible ideal partner would be, and that's a guide I can use when the dopamine takes over and tries to convince me I really like hiking in 90-degree weather. 

Knowing what my specific interests are doesn't mean I'm unwilling to compromise with a partner and explore their interests. Maybe we can do a very easy hike on a 60-degree weather day. That sounds like something I wouldn't prefer, but would be OK with doing for someone I love. Either way, knowing ourselves is a great place to start. After all that, when you get the feels for someone, you'll know what dopamine is doing and you'll know who you are. 

This next tip is pretty hard. Take a few pauses and give yourself a reality check. Are their lifestyles and interests actually compatible with yours? Are their values the same as yours? Do you want the same things in life? What do you actually like about them as a person? Are you doing anything different than what you were doing before you developed that crush? Are your interests different from what you were interested in before you developed that crush? Are there red flags? Oh, and my favorite. What is it like to just have a crush on them and not pursue a relationship? 

I will acknowledge that the dopamine in our brains will try to keep us from being true to ourselves in those reality checks, and it might be clunky when we do it for the first few times. But as with all things ADHD, every step counts, and clunky progress is still a wonderful thing. It's possible to break the cycle one deliberate step at a time. 

ADHD and our dopamine-seeking brains can make our romantic relationships tricky because we feel extra good from the dopamine we get when we are pursuing a romantic interest, and we want to keep it going. This can lead us to twisting around who we are in order to fit another person's ideal, ignore our own needs and interests, and also ignore the red flags we see. 

Then, when they return our affections, a drop in dopamine can make us feel like we've lost interest, and all that easy work we did to be a different person starts to feel hard and not worth it. But if we are aware of the effect dopamine has on us, figure out who we are outside of our relationships to other people, and have honest check-ins with ourselves, we can be more successful and satisfied in our romantic relationships long term. 

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org. 

"Tips from an ADHD Coach" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ilana Millner is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director and Neil Drumming is our editorial director. 

For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Jaye Lin. Thanks for listening.