What families wish you knew about learning disabilities

Navigating learning and thinking differences can be tough for both kids and their families. Neurodivergent children can feel misunderstood both at home and in the classroom. And their parents often struggle to know how best to help.

In this episode of Opportunity Gap, parents and kids share their experiences with learning and thinking differences. Listen as they break down what they wish others understood. Then, hear from psychologist Christina Cipriano, PhD, MEd about how both parents and kids can approach these challenges with patience and support.

Related resources

• 8 things I wish people knew about parenting a child with ADHD

• 7 things I wish people knew about parenting kids with dyslexia

• Parenting the kids you have: One mom’s story

Timestamps

(01:22) Megan’s story

(03:35) Reese’s story

(04:32) Nancy’s story

(05:21) Clara’s story 

(06:10) Dr. Christina weighs in

Episode transcript

Julian: Navigating the complexities of learning and thinking differences can leave kids feeling overwhelmed and isolated while their parents, full of love and support, struggle to grasp the realities of that journey.

What is going on, OG family? Welcome to a new episode of the "Opportunity Gap." I'm your host, Julian. Today, we're exploring both sides of the story, both sides. What kids wish their parents understood about their challenges with learning disabilities. And on the flip side, what parents wish they knew about navigating the new journey.

And so, I couldn't do this by myself, and I'm really excited because today we have Christina Cipriano, PhD. Dr. Cipriano is an applied developmental and educational psychologist, and she's also an associate professor at the Yale Child Study Center. So, welcome to the show, Chris.

Christina: Thank you so much for having me.

Julian: Welcome. So, I'm really excited about today's episode because we're trying something a little different and kind of trying to look at things from multiple perspectives. Our team spoke with both parents and kids to find out what they wish the other understood about learning and thinking differences. Take a listen to what they've shared.

(01:22) Megan's story

Megan: My name is Megan and I'm the parent of a child with ADHD and sensory processing disorder. What I wish my child knew about my journey in supporting him to receive the right help was that all of this effort, all the appointments, all the doctors, all the tests, all the strategies, all the medication, all the ways in which we've sought help and attempted help and used help for him are all working toward a greater good.

And that the greater good is that he can have true love and self-compassion for himself and get to that in a sooner and easier and healthier way than perhaps myself or his father have done. Based on our conditions and our causes and also just where society has been in the world with being open and honest and being able to acknowledge and recognize that people think and work in different ways and that that's OK.

So, I think the biggest piece is that he gets that all the effort is for something bigger and something that he can only get within himself and that all of these supports are going to help him get there and that the consistency around these supports is only a benefit.

It's often tiring. It's tiring to do all the things from a young age and be under a lens from a young age and being assessed frequently and being labeled and being frustrated and all of it.

So, to continue to normalize learning and thinking differences and also normalize that journey that we're all seeking care and that that care may continue for the rest of our lives, but that the bigger desire for that care has to do with that strong feeling of self-esteem and of self-love. And the sooner that he can reconcile those two things and feel that and understand that and grow into that, then the better and healthier he'll be able to be.

(03:35) Reese's story

Reese: Hi, Reese S., I'm 11 years old, and I'm going to be talking about things that I struggle with my dyslexia. So, I have a lot of struggles with dyslexia, with reading, writing, and spelling. I went to a dyslexic school and it helped me a little bit, but I still struggle with my lefts and rights and spelling and different things on test.

And I do get accommodations, but it doesn't help a lot because I still get on and off the things that I can't help and it also comes from my ADHD. And ADHD is kind of connected to that dyslexia. I wish that every kid could get help with dyslexia, but obviously there's not a school everywhere, which I think we should change.

I hope more people can understand what dyslexia is so other kids don't have to go through this. I hope everyone continues to support me through my journey. I know I'm smart, but sometimes with dyslexia it can make you feel bad. I know I'm meant for great things. But with dyslexia, sometimes it can be hard.

(04:32) Nancy's story

Nancy: My name is Nancy Winninghan and I am the parent of a child with an intellectual disability. What I wish I knew about learning and thinking differences is everyone is not like me. I wish my child knew how hard I fought for him. I wish my child knew all the articles that I read so I can get an understanding of what I need to do to help him, to help himself.

I wish my child knew the reason why I always talked to him and told him "It's not your disability, it's what you're capable of doing." I wish my child knew the importance of what I do, it's all for him.

(05:21) Clara's story

Clara: Hi, my name is Clara L., I am 14 years old, and I have ADHD. The main thing I wish my mom understood about me having ADHD is that if she asked me to do multiple things like a list, I'll be like, "Yeah, sure," with the intention of doing all of them, and then I'll finish the first thing and completely forget that she asked me to do anything else, so I'll go off and do something different.

And then a few minutes later my mom will come in and she'll be like, "Hey, what are you doing?" And I'm like, "Nothing. Why?" She was "I asked you to do this and that." And I'm like, "Oh yeah. Yeah, you did. I'll go do that now. Sorry." And then I'll go and do that thing. But I just completely forgot that I was supposed to do anything after I finished the first thing. My brain just like checked out. It's like, "Yep, we're good. I did the thing."

Julian: Now that we've heard from both parents and kids, Dr. Chris, what were some of the key themes you noticed in their responses?

(06:10) Dr. Christina weighs in

Christina: Absolutely. So, when listening to the youth speak about their experiences as someone with learning and thinking difference, I heard them sharing a frustration that there is a lack of understanding or awareness in the adults in their life, particularly their parents in the excerpts that we were listening to, around kind of recognizing and understanding the challenges that they're experiencing as their normal, as their way of being and knowing and navigating their world.

And so, that frustration, right? If not met with a responsiveness on the part of the parent can really lead us down a road where we're breaking down a relationship between parent and child, even though, right, the best of intentions of the parent is to want to embrace and support and allow that child to thrive.

Julian: I agree. I think the overlying theme of like multiple moments of frustration occurring over a long period of time, it just kind of snowballs into this perception that I'm never going to fix this or I'm never going to figure this out. And that kind of came out from all of the clips that we listen to, at least for me. So, I definitely agree.

Christina: When I was listening to kind of the parents' perspective as well and kind of thinking about it, I also heard a bit of a reservation and being unsure about how to best support their child with navigating those challenges that they are experiencing there within. So, a little bit of a reservation and kind of what to say or how to say it to best support their child.

In addition to a little bit of let's just call it some anxieties or reservations around how to share with others about their child's experience with a learning or thinking difference. So, and how to communicate that in a meaningful way.

Julian: Yeah, I mean, it's tough on both ends, right? Like the frustration and really it boils down to communication skills. Like are we able to communicate how we're feeling from both ends, from, you know, the parental end and also from the child's end?

I have to ask from your perspective, you know, how would you know and what would you think about the emotional experiences shared by both parents and kids and how those might influence their views of learning differences? So, kind of to your point that you spoke about earlier, you know, that emotional experience that both parties are having, how might that influence their own view of a learning difference?

Christina: Absolutely. So, kind of a couple of things come to mind. So, first, we want to remind everyone that all emotions are valid, right? Everyone's affective experience, the ways in which you are experiencing your emotions and your interactions with your world are valid and real. So, there is no like, right or wrong way to feel in a given instance.

Julian: Yes.

Christina: And the second component of that, right? Is that the ways that we exist in environments, sometimes we've been socialized that where the way we're feeling isn't supposed to feel that way.

And when we think about, you know, having a learning or thinking difference and in the environments that you're in, if you have not been, like if the student has not been in a supportive classroom or if the parent is not part of a supportive family or community that understands and embraces a diverse way of knowing, seeing, and navigating your world, well, then you may have been socialized that you're, you know, shouldn't feel frustrated or you shouldn't share about it, right?

And we never want to should anyone.

Julian: Right.

Christina: That's, it will undermine their ability to seek healthy coping skills and be able to arrive at healthy, helpful, and healthy relationships to support them in navigating the challenges that they're experiencing in their everyday. We aren't meant to develop in a vacuum or in a silo. It's all about the interactions.

So, the ways in which we can communicate and the child can communicate their frustration with the experience or maybe their embarrassment with a given interaction that has occurred. And likewise for the adults to be able to communicate that back to their child of how they were feeling, maybe feeling that they weren't being heard or feeling, you know, at a loss of what to say or what to do, that they can meet each other in those affective experiences through helpful and healthy communication.

And that helps to build positive and productive bonds that they can grow from. And we know when we look at kind of longer-term research that those relationships are really key and critical to supporting or thriving, with or without a learning difference.

Julian: Right.

Christina: And, you know, I think about how important it is to provide youth with the skills to access their ability to communicate effectively about how they are feeling in their experience of diversely knowing and seeing and navigating their world.

So, that in sharing their frustrations and the range of affective experiences they're having in all of the different contexts in their school at home, right? In their interactions in the community, with family members, using strong communication will allow that parent or that family member to see the child as they are, not as how they may imagine them to be in a given situation.

Julian: It's interesting because I think you and I are probably of the same generation where this type of communication is very different than what the typical parents expressed when we were growing up, right? There's, obviously there's outliers and different people have different experiences, but I'm sure you probably heard the phrase like "Children are to be seen and not heard," right?

And so, the idea of like cultural factors and how our culture impacts everything, right? I'm just wondering from your end, Dr. Chris, did you notice any cultural factors that might have influenced how some of the families we heard from discussed their learning differences?

Christina: Yeah. So, I'd like to start by kind of taking the frame way out and thinking about how we understand and frame the idea of learning and thinking differences in and of itself as being something other than a normative pattern, right? And so, in and of itself, it starts from a deficit-framed medical model.

Julian: Yeah.

Christina: And I think it's really important that we kind of start there, right? So, we in our generation and our children's generation are working to overturn and kind of relearn the ways in which we understand the beautiful diversity, and what I like to say and the science terms, the heterogeneity of how we exist as human beings. And indeed, that is, that is qualitatively different than how I was raised.

I say all that to bring us to the point that it is important that we as adults in creating safe and supportive and validating communities for youth with learning and thinking differences to thrive and to recognize the role that we can all play in opening up lines of communication and dialog.

And being affirming and validating of the range of diversity and ways of knowing and seeing and navigating the world and confronting barriers that may be existing in our systems, in our classrooms, in our kitchen, at our kitchen tables, right?

In our schools, in ways that can be helpful to overcome that, because we know that there are sociocultural influences there. We know that we all have kind of the way we do things, but we also know that the way that we do things isn't always the way that will benefit everyone.

Julian: You put that beautifully. Like, I really like how you're consistently focusing on a positive framing of all of the things that have to be done because again, that's not typical of how we've discussed learning and thinking differences in the past. Are there ways where families and parents specifically can create an open and supportive relationship when talking about learning differences?

Christina: So, first, I mentioned earlier that we want to validate and affirm the child's experience as true. It happened, right? And so, if your child with a learning and thinking difference shares with you how they're feeling and it is wildly different then you may be expecting them to say, right? You start with affirming it.

"I hear you. I see you. Thank you for sharing that with me. Can you tell me more about it? Let's talk more about what may be driving those feelings." Invite them to let you into that experience. And depending upon the age of the child, you may also say things like, "I'm so glad that you share that with me. My experience is very different. Let me tell you how I was feeling" and model for them a way that they can share back with you about it.

A second frame that I want to bring to bear is the ways in which you and your family honor their learning and thinking difference in the ways in which you've given your child the language around it, right? So, if they are using a a disability classification and that is a term that they have identified with and what that means in terms of their ability.

My nine-year-old has a learning and thinking difference, and she allows me to share and speak about it. We've done some writing together about her experience. What she says is that she wants everyone to know about her superpowers, and so she introduces it. And that is a frame that has worked for us. It's worked for us for the past couple of years. We started with it a few years ago, of seeing and understanding.

And so, she will share about her superpower. And that is a frame that we have, that we use that works for our family at our time. But thinking about what? What is that? What is that a frame? Is it a word? Is it a term? Is it a character in a book that we see ourselves in that we feel like we can share about in a way that allows people to see us the way we want to be seen?

And you as the parent, you have the opportunity to create those safe conditions for your child, right?

Julian: Yes.

Christina: You can create those norms or routines, even if those were norms of routines that were not ones that you were socialized with, right? Even if it was, it was something that we don't talk about these things. Like if you, if you were raised in a generation or in a place or space where that was not something to be discussed, right? Our kids, they are in school, they're in their on teams, they're in clubs, they're in all of these different places and spaces. And eventually, they leave your nest, and they go on and out.

Julian: True. That's what they do.

Christina: You can't control all the spaces that they're in. You can't control all of the environments, but you can provide them with helpful and healthy and productive communication skills and that deep sense of affirmation that they are safe, that they are valued, that they are loved.

And through building those relationships and continuing on in those communication trajectories, you are setting your child up for success when they're in those spaces and places that weren't designed with them in mind.

Julian: In the "Opportunity Gap" we we really hone in on the experience of children of color, families of color in their experience with learning and thinking differences. And, you know, I'm a person of color myself. I've experienced many times where I am clearly communicating what I need. I'm clearly communicating what's necessary in that moment. And I'm either not heard or my feelings are invalidated, or I'm just in a really frustrating situation.

Can you speak about what you think specifically for families of color out there, if our children are coming home and they're experiencing a space where they've used all the strategies we practice and it's still not getting what they need, or they come up against these challenging things, what does that look like at the house? What does that look like at home? How can we address that with our children?

Christina: I think we could talk about this one for the next hour if given the opportunity. So, first, the experiences that you're speaking to are real. And they happen all the time, all across the country where youth of color are not being affirmed and being invalidated in many spaces and places in their classrooms at the intersection of their learning difference.

And so, on the one hand, you may say, well, you know, I guess then it would make sense for the families to best support their child by teaching that to, you know, behave in ways that are more validated or affirmed in that given setting. And one might say that may even be the kind of safest option perhaps in the short term or for that child, right? As we move forward. Now, that being said, right? We know that that is protecting the child, but avoiding the problem.

And so, it's avoiding the larger structural, systemic issues of racism, ableism they're within. And that's not going to change anything for that child in the long term, nor is it going to change anything for that, for anyone like that child thereafter.

And so, I recently wrote a book. It's called "Be Unapologetically Impatient: The Mindset Required to Change the Way We Do Things," and in the book, I share kind of lessons to help to support parents and adults and teachers to communicate in ways so that you can open up a dialog when you are in the face of an injustice.

And recognize that the person in front of you, that teacher with their implicit bias, let's just call it that for now, for the sake of this conversation. Right? Because we know it may be more than that, but let's just say it's their implicit bias, like they aren't inherently the injustice. They are just like the face of the injustice that's being experienced in that moment.

And so, we have an opportunity to invite them into our vantage point and allow them to recognize and understand that we could be partners in kind of solving this together. Let's say your child comes home. They had a, you know, invalidating experience. They're feeling very unaffirmed. You're concerned about it, particularly at the intersection of of race and learning difference.

If you start back to the school and you start dropping things about that teacher being ablest or racist or fill in the blank, right? They're not listening to learn from you. They're listening to win, right? They're on the defense. They're immediately like, "All right, we're in a fight right now. It's going to be me versus you. How are we going to do this?" Right?

And that, where we're teaching our kids nothing when we engage in that way or to teach them anything, any productive communication. And we're not giving ourselves an opportunity to create a partner here. So, you're either a parent or you're that parent until you introduce yourself and invite them in as a partner with you.

I've had moments across my career and my life as a parent of children in the engagements that I've had where I've said things I'm not necessarily proud of to the adults that have been engaging with them. And it needed to be said at that time. But I recognize now, as I kind of look back and think about it, that I have an opportunity and we all have an opportunity in each and every interaction to invite each other in as partners in the process.

Julian: And I appreciate, one, I put you on the spot a little bit, so I appreciate you sharing your own experience and thinking about how we might do that. I mean, the one thing I would say to add on is families, nobody said that's going to be easy, right? And that experience of treating somebody who is in your perception, mistreating your child potentially, and still staying calm and having a conversation about the facts is going to be hard.

So, as you said, we could talk about this for another hour if need be. I'm sure there's a lot of things that you can share. I'm interested to dive into your book at some point, I think, to learn more about how we can share some of these best practices with our families. So, this wraps up today's episode, but it is not going to be the only one, so I'm definitely putting an open invite. Dr. Chris has to come back and share more for expertise with us.

I just want to say a big thank you. It's really nice to talk to you. Really nice to just hear your perspective, the way that you're able to break down these really complex topics into bite-sized chunks that are digestible is really a gift. And so, I appreciate that part of it as well. It's really invaluable. And I've learned a lot just listening to you for the last hour. So, thank you for coming on. I appreciate it.

Christina: Thank you so much. Thank you for creating this space for families.

Julian: OG family, please do not forget to check out all of the additional resources that are in the show notes. We've included links and materials that can help deepen your understanding of our topic for today. So, until then, we'll talk to you soon OG family. Thank you so much for tuning in.

Thanks so much for listening today. We love hearing from our listeners. So, if you have any thoughts about today's episode, you can email us at opportunitygap@understood.org. And be sure to check out the show notes for links and resources to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia.

The "Opportunity Gap" is produced by the Tara Drinks and edited by Daniela Tello-Garzon. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ash Beecher is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. Thanks again for listening.