How I’d parent my ADHD kids differently

Parenting a child with ADHD can feel like a constant balancing act — juggling patience, understanding, and supporting your child’s unique needs. It often leads to questions like, Am I doing enough? What can I do better?

In this episode, we talk with Dr. Larry Jones, a retired pediatrician and father of sons with ADHD. Listen as Dr. Larry reflects on:

• Navigating his own ADHD diagnosis

• What he’s learned about raising kids with ADHD

• And what he might have done differently in hindsight 

We love to hear from our listeners. Email us at opportunitygap@understood.org.

Related resources

• Larry A. Jones, MD, MBA

• Parenting Tips When You and Your Child Have ADHD

• Understanding ADHD in your child

Timestamps

​​(01:42) Dr. Larry on raising kids with ADHD

(05:25) Dr. Larry on receiving his own ADHD diagnosis

(08:37) Navigating ADHD and its stigma

(10:04) What Dr. Larry would do differently raising kids with ADHD

Episode transcript

Julian: Am I doing enough? What could I do differently? Was that the right approach? How do I advocate for my child in a system that may not recognize their needs? These are questions many parents face when raising kids of color with learning and thinking differences.

What is going on, OG family? Welcome to a new episode of the "Opportunity Gap." I am your host, Julian. Today, family, we are so fortunate and blessed to have a special guest with us. We are joined today by Dr. Larry Jones. He is a retired pediatrician and a proud, proud father of children with ADHD.

Dr. Larry is a twice-exceptional individual himself, and he's completed medical education and practiced pediatrics long before his own ADHD diagnosis. He's here to share his personal story and insights on what he'd do differently parenting Kids with ADHD. Dr. Larry, welcome to the show. We are so glad to have you with us.

Larry: Thank you very much for having me.

Julian: I appreciate it. So, Dr. Larry, I'm really curious to hear about your own personal journey and thinking about your own life story. Specifically, you're a father and you raised children who had been diagnosed with ADHD. I know you're on the other side now where you have grown children. And I'm interested to know some of the challenges that you and your wife experienced when they were younger parenting children with ADHD.

(01:42) Dr. Larry on raising kids with ADHD

Larry: OK. So, let's sort of set the stage here. When I graduated from medical school in 1976, we were actually taught that ADHD ended in adolescence. That was the prevailing thought. And I went to Johns Hopkins Medical School, which is supposed to be the best in the country. But at that time, the knowledge, the knowledge was so limited in terms of ADHD. So, I never really had any direct contact with persons with ADHD until, actually, I began my pediatric practice.

And then later realized and this is several years after that, before realizing that my children had it as well. And the youngest child was found first. Then we went back to look at the other two.

Julian: You just said that you had graduated from one of the top medical schools in the country and they didn't even have accurate information. So, I can only imagine what it would be like to try to parent in an environment like that for children that were diagnosed with something that the medical community didn't really have information about. So, I'm wondering, you know, as a parent, what was that like trying to figure that out as you went along?

Larry: Well, the first child presented with reading difficulties. That was my oldest son, picked up around third grade. So, we're talking about 1985. He had difficulty with reading. So, we addressed that, you know, it was a bit concerning. But we put him in special education for reading, which would take him out of his class maybe one day a week, but was concentrated in the summers. So, by sixth grade, he was reading just fine.

But other kinds of things begin to appear, such as what I call the seesaw grades: do well first quarter, worse the second quarter. You know, we talk about it, get out and about it, then better the third quarter and then dip again in the fourth quarter. And this was a yearly cycle. So, didn't really think of ADHD even at that point. With the third child, who had been the most difficult to raise, but had calmed down by ninth grade, was in private school, and with parent-teacher conference, they were doing ACT prep starting in ninth grade.

And the ACT teacher called us in and said she was concerned because of his, you know, seemed to match the material one day, but could remember the next day. And really said it out loud. Felt that he might have ADHD. So, she referred us to a psychologist for testing, so we were able to get him tested. And he challenged me to do the same test. I'm with the therapist...

Julian: Wait, hold on. So, so now, I would just want to make sure I'm catching what you're saying. Listeners. Dr. Larry completed his own medical education and was a practicing pediatrician for a long time. Yet his son convinced him to go and get evaluated himself. That's correct. So, tell me, how did that happen? How did that come about?

(05:25) Dr. Larry on receiving his own ADHD diagnosis

Larry: Well, I mean, I'm sort of in this embarrassing situation and, you know, it's like a child. So, no, of course I don't have ADHD. So, I took the test and ended up scoring pretty much the same as he did, at that time using that eye movement test. So, but, you know, I'm still in denial. You know, how could I possibly see I just, you know, finished medical school. I'm in great medical practice, you know, it's not possible. Well, over time, it became clear to me that I too had significant manifestations of ADHD and was struggling with it in a different kind of ways.

One, in terms of once I finished with the medical practice during the course of the day, I mean, I'm completely washed out. I can do almost nothing in the evenings. I mean, I get the kids ready for bed, get them all bathed and everything, and get them all in. But obviously I had a great wife who basically took up a lot of the slack in terms of many of the things, including the back office management for the practice.

Because I couldn't manage the accounts and all of that stuff and still do the upfront work, that was that's sort of beyond my capacity. So, fortunately she was a business school graduate and basically assisted me with that. But it all came to the final head in terms of when I was attempting to make that transition from the medical practice into a more structured corporate setting. And I couldn't stay awake with the boss in the room.

I mean, I literally would pinch myself. I would try to take notes. And it would just be a bunch of scribbles that I was totally useless. So, it was at that point I really figured out that if I was going to succeed in that environment, that I was going to have to go on medication. And that was when I started on Adderall for myself.

Julian: Let me stop you right there. One, thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your story and your personal experience. Listeners, Dr. Larry is a Black male, and we talk a lot about how — on this show at least — how the experience of Black men in various professions, especially in the medical profession, it's a different experience than others may have.

And knowing that ADHD in the Black community for a very long time was not spoken about or there's a stigma attached to that diagnosis and even those letters, ADHD, I'm wondering, Dr. Larry, how did it make you feel when you did go about getting the diagnosis and you did start taking medication in this high-stress job, raising kids as a Black man in the '80s and '90s? I'm wondering what feelings did come about for you navigating that situation?

(08:37) Navigating ADHD and its stigma

Larry: One of the things that set in to over time was this sense of imposter syndrome. Do I really belong here? I am worthy for this role?

Julian: I feel that way every day in my life. Dr. Larry. So, I feel that. I feel that in me.

Larry: In addition, I felt that I had to hide it. It was not something that I felt comfortable discussing, you know, outside of home. It was not until after retirement, really, that I really began to tell anyone else other than very close friends that I had ADHD. I wouldn't dare mention it at a job.

Julian: Interesting. And so, you go from almost hiding it, right? Like not speaking about it in public. And then you decide you're going to go to the whole other level because not only did you share, but you and your wife decided to write a whole book about your experience. The book is titled "Falling Through the Ceiling: Our ADHD Family Memoir." And in the memoir, you and your wife said, and I quote, "What we did and what we didn't do to help our sons didn't work many times. The behavior simply continued and morphed. If we had to do it all over again, we would have done things better and differently."

So, my question to you, Dr. Larry, based on your quote, what would you have done better and differently?

(10:04) What Dr. Larry would do differently raising kids with ADHD

Larry: One. Had I known earlier, we would have implemented a totally different course. Now, we feel that we were saved by the village, that we had enough friends and family and enough support, plus through our church, to surround the boys such that they never got into any major trouble. That they had good manners. They were, you know, got along in the world, so to speak. But we could have implemented a lot of things differently.

My experience at that point in time was with one adult with ADHD who happened to be one of my clinical professors in my training program where there was a newspaper article written about her having ADHD, and then, almost 100% turnaround after she started her medication. But that was my only experience with anyone with ADHD and seeing the transformation that can take place with medication and with coaching or counseling.

Julian: So, Dr. Larry, I have one more question for you. Many of our listeners are families of color that they are raising to the best of their ability, raising kids with learning and thinking differences. If you could give 2 or 3 concrete examples of some advice that you would have for them to be successful like you have been. What would you say to them?

Larry: First of all, not to view ADHD as a stigma. I see it as a gift and more research is being done that really is leading us in that direction. But I do have several things that I think need to be shared. One, that the earlier ADHD is treated, the faster the child can develop self-control and positive behaviors. And it's important for both parents to discuss that with the teacher, to really understand that I want our fathers to really try to be open-minded and really listen to what the teacher is saying and not to take it personally.

You know, it's not a thing of who's at fault.

Julian: Yes.

Larry: It's a what can we do best to secure our child's future and give him the ability to achieve and to be whatever he wants he or she wants to be? And, of course, discuss those concerns with the pediatrician. As you said, it's really, really important for the fathers to understand this and not to feel that the child is not performing because they just need to work a little harder. They have to have that interest. They have to have tools for them to be able to succeed.

One of the things that sort of came about, because I did have a significant number of patients with ADHD over the years, that I would always ask the fathers to come into the office because they were usually the hardest to convince that this was a real entity. But once I got them into the office, I could explain it to them in a way that the ADHD child untreated is probably only mentally present in the classroom 50% of the time. Either because of distraction, impulsivity, or maybe even hyperactivity.

So, if your child is doing average grades, really only being there 50% of the time, think what he can do if yes.

Julian: Imagine. Yes.

Larry: Exactly.

Julian: Imagine what they could do with the proper treatment plan. Yes. That's a great way to frame it, too, that it's almost not giving the child full access to their true potential if there's not a program in place. Yes.

Larry: And, you know, really also understanding that a child with ADHD is going to impact the entire family. The whole family will be involved, so quickly as possible, putting things into place to try to normalize the situation such that older or younger children are not feeling left out or that they're getting less attention than their ADHD siblings.

Julian: You know, Dr. Larry, this is Season Four of the "Opportunity Gap," and you are the first guest out of I don't know, we probably have 40 episodes, and you're the first guest to mention the idea of thinking about siblings. And I appreciate that because that is such a well-documented point. And we haven't stressed that enough.

Larry: Yes.

Julian: It's the entire family and our siblings especially need to be brought in so that support can be given for everybody. I just have to say, Dr. Larry, that, you know, I'm looking forward to digging into your book. I'm looking forward to learning more about your journey and your career. I think that just in the short time I've gotten to speak to you, the knowledge and the wisdom and the experience just comes through in the words that you share with us.

And I think for our listeners, it's comforting to hear that somebody from a different generation was able to navigate this without the support that we now have, right? Just the fact that you were able to raise up these boys in a way where they turned out successful. You and your wife were successful and you've chosen to use your retirement to support others. I just want to say thank you from everybody out there, especially the Understood family. I really appreciate you sharing your story, sharing your life, sharing the vulnerable situations you went through. Thank you.

Larry: If I may, one final comment. I could not have done it without a very loving and supportive wife.

Julian: Well, Miss Audrey, I have not met you. But thank you, Miss Audrey, for helping Dr. Larry achieve all that he's been able to achieve and pushing him to make sure that this book was written.

OG Family, I hope that you found inspiration and practical insights in today's episode. I know. I really did, and I really cannot wait to dive into the book. Dr. Larry and Miss Audrey's book, it is called "Falling Through the Ceiling: Our ADHD Family Memoir." We're going to make sure we link this in the show notes. We appreciate all of you for listening. And Dr. Larry Jones, thank you so much for joining us. I appreciate you, brother.

Larry: Thank you very much for having me. It was a pleasure.

Julian: Thanks so much for listening today. We love hearing from our listeners. So, if you have any thoughts about today's episode, you can email us at opportunitygap@understood.org. And be sure to check out the show notes for links and resources to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia.

The "Opportunity Gap" is produced by Tara Drinks and edited by Daniela Tello-Garzon. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ash Beecher is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. Thanks again for listening.