Feeling socially isolated as a parent? You’re not alone

Parenting can often feel socially isolating. On this episode of In It, we hear from a few parents who have felt socially isolated while raising kids with learning and thinking differences. 

They share some of the challenges they have run into and talk about some strategies they’ve found for building relationships with other adults. 

We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at init@understood.org.

Related resources

• 8 things I wish people knew about parenting a child with ADHD

• Why some kids have trouble making friends

• 7 ways to prepare kids for visiting relatives and family friends

• Listen: ADHD and puberty: What to expect

• Listen: Guided meditation for stressed parents

• Listen: Homework battles: What really matters

Timestamps 

(1:10) Parent friendships

(1:59) When your parenting style is misunderstood or judged

(5:48) Finding parents who can relate

(7:34) Realizing the risks that come with sharing experiences with other parents

(8:49) Being friends with parents of kids who are not friends with your own kid

(10:31) When the parent is neurodiverse

Episode transcript

Gretchen: Hello and welcome to "In It," a podcast for families with kids who learn and think differently.

Rachel: Here you'll find advice, camaraderie, stories of successes and, yes, sometimes failures from experts and from parents and caregivers like you.

Gretchen: I'm Gretchen Vierstra, a former classroom teacher and an editor here at Understood.org.

Rachel: And I'm Rachel Bozek, a writer, editor, and mom who has definitely been in it.

Gretchen: Rachel, today, I want to get into something we haven't really talked about a lot on this show, and that's social isolation. Especially when you're raising kids who learn and think differently. I feel like sometimes it can feel isolating a little bit.

Rachel: Yeah. When you're raising kids who learn and think differently, it can really affect how you handle relationships. What do you tell acquaintances and friends about your kids? What do you keep to yourself? Who does your family make plans with? Who do you avoid? Have you lost friends? Maybe found new ones?

Gretchen: So, let's get into that a little today, and I don't think we need an expert. We actually just need to hear from people who are in it.

(1:10) Parent friendships

Rachel: So, we're going to start with a mom named Aleesha. She has five neurodivergent kids and she shared a story with us. This one was about one of her kids, her teenage daughter.

Aleesha: She is wonderful and amazing and passionate, but she really struggles in interactions with other people and specifically with emotional regulation. And so, she can lose her temper very quickly. She says whatever she's thinking. She has no real impulse control, which makes it really, really hard for her to make and maintain friends.

And this has made it really hard for me as a parent because she'll make friends with people and I'll be friends with their parents, and then something will happen that will dissolve their friendship. And that leaves me without parents to be friends with.

(1:59) When your parenting style is misunderstood or judged

Gretchen: We also heard from Rebecca, who has three kids with ADHD. One of her daughters has some sensory processing challenges, and Rebecca figured out pretty early that her daughter got derailed if she didn't go to bed at a certain time every day. Derailed, meaning running around the house at 3 a.m. and it could take like a week to get her back on track. So, when they had family visiting, Rebecca tried to explain why she was being so strict about her daughter's bedtime. And this caused some tension within the family.

Rebecca: They didn't understand. They would accuse me of isolating her. And up to this day, she's 20 years old and the family member still don't understand why we would do certain things differently than them.

Rachel: Yeah. You know, this resonated with me, but interestingly, it was kind of a reverse situation where I remember times when my kids were younger, where I was less strict than other people about their bedtimes. Sometimes when we're around family, if we're all away together or other times, if it was just, you know, what time a hang was going to end with other kids because the other kid maybe had a little bit more or a lot more of a strict bedtime or end of day time.

So, I understand how that can create tension because sometimes you get a look from people that you know where it's just kind of like, "How can you not do it the way I do it?" And I felt this even though it's not exactly the same problem, but it feels crummy. It doesn't feel good when that happens.

Gretchen: Next, we hear from Michael, who's got a nine-year-old with dyslexia, dyscalculia, and maybe some other learning and thinking differences. And he says that he and his wife used to be pretty social, but now they're struggling with how to do that as a family.

Michael: I do think it leaves us a little isolated sometimes. Unfortunately, it shouldn't. But as good as we are socially in general, I think there are situations we choose not to put ourselves in because we don't want our daughter to feel badly or uncomfortable in them, and we don't want to have to spend the whole time at a big party, say, attending to her or helping her out with things she needs support with. So, I think it does sort of influence whether we choose to say yes to invitations because it does take a toll on us emotionally.

Gretchen: So, I think what Michael shares is very relatable. I think there are a lot of parents out there who are cutting back on their social lives because it's too challenging with their kids. And I know if you are a super social person in your younger life, like that can be really distressing.

Rachel: Yeah, and I agree. I think it is a pretty common thing for people with, especially much younger kids, learning and thinking differences or not. Like, I think this is just a common parenting thing and I think it also is something where in many cases you feel like you're the only one who's experiencing that or who's maybe making a decision to either decline or to not initiate plans in the first place when maybe you used to do that a lot. I remember, you know, kind of making that decision sometimes like, you know what? Let's just not. And it's not just you.

Gretchen: Yeah.

Rachel: And, you know, also, I think as our kids get older and as we kind of start figuring out our own kids' differences, we start to get more of an understanding about what it's going to be like to go out and be social and maybe feel more comfortable with that and also start to kind of, quote, find our people, right? And find other people who understand what this is like. And I think Michael is starting to experience that.

(5:48) Finding parents who can relate

Michael: So, I think we're at the point now where we really do value talking to parents of children that are similarly or differently challenged, but just neurodiverse kids, because those parents obviously have a closer understanding and experiences closer to ours. We are actually enrolling her in a new school this fall and we're hoping that that will be a good source of meeting new friends and parents of children who are going through a similar thing.

Gretchen: And Aleesha, the mom whose daughter has trouble maintaining friendships, has figured out some strategies to preserve her own social connections.

Aleesha: I work really hard to find friends who are outside of my immediate social circle. So, not just other kids' parents, but people from church, people through my employment online, and people in my neighborhood. And that does seem to help to find people who just love me for me. They seem to be more willing to accept my child for themselves when they accept me for myself.

One thing that's really helped me is I have two friends who live in different states. One is in Pennsylvania and one is in Arizona. And we talk every single day. And because they do not live in my social circle and do not interact with my daughter, I can vent my frustrations to them with no judgment, first of all. And second of all, without worrying that they will say something to my daughter or treat her differently. It gives me a safe place to vent. And that's been really helpful.

(7:34) Realizing the risks that come with sharing experiences with other parents

Gretchen: OK, so this is something I can really connect with because I have gotten myself in trouble by sharing what I thought were great tips to other parents in town about things like challenges with sleep or challenges with food. And then somehow that parent passed it on to another parent, and then that parent might have told their child where they got the idea from. And then that child said, "Why in the world am I doing the strategy? Because your mom told my mom," and that was not good. So.

Rachel: So, did your...

Gretchen: My daughter was like, "Mom, why did you tell everybody you do this?" Oh yeah. It was awful. And I got in big trouble. So, my new strategy is not to be the tip-giver to people I see on a day-to-day basis. Only the people in the virtual world like this or friends who I have from childhood who live in other states who we might text or talk on the phone, who you know, their paths never cross.

And so, they'll be no mom-to-mom-to-mom feeding down to the child connection like has happened in my hometown here. So, and maybe hot tip to parents: when you get a cool idea from another parent, don't share where you got it from. So, let's just leave names and associations out.

(8:49) Being friends with parents of kids who are not friends with your own kid

Rachel: So, I just want to go back to something Aleesha said a little earlier about feeling like she's lost out on some friendships when her daughter stopped being friends with kids whose parents she was, had kind of forged relationships with. And I have seen this with my own kids and with other people in my own community where the kids may be kind of, you know, change friend groups or they're in a fight or whatever is going on that they're not speaking with or just seeing the kid that they maybe had spent a whole lot of time with. And you as a parent are like, "Oh, did I just lose that friend?"

And I have made a pretty specific effort to try to maintain some of those relationships and I can still totally hang out with the mom of a kid that my kid was friends with ten years ago. And that's OK.

Gretchen: So, yeah, I hear you. I have a friend who we met when our kids were in kindergarten, when our kids were friends. And then our kids in a couple of years weren't friends anymore. But we are still friends to this day. It can feel awkward sometimes when, you know, you might have to just be like, yeah, what? You know, my kid's doing this. Your kid's doing that. That's grand. They're not connected. But guess what? It does. It gives you an opportunity to talk about yourselves and, like, adult things and not talk about parenting. So, that's kind of nice.

Rachel: Yeah, that's totally true, Gretchen. And I think it's also kind of that realization that we don't necessarily have to solve or fix whatever happened between the kids because it might not even really be a problem. It's just something like they felt, they've moved on and so we can just move on and be friends with each other.

Gretchen: That's right. Yeah.

Rachel: So, there's one more thing Aleesha said that really resonated with me, and it has to do with figuring out what to share and what's private as we navigate friendships.

(10:31) When the parent is neurodiverse

Aleesha: I also am neurodiverse. And so, it's kind of a struggle for me because I'm very impulsive. So, one thing that I have to ask myself when I'm sharing is, is this my story or is it my daughter's story? If it's my daughter's story, I try not to share it unless that person has been directly affected by my daughter's story, in which case I have to talk about it with them. But other times I try to just share me, how our relationship affects me, and how things have affected my personal story.

Rachel: Is it my story or is it my kid's story? Yeah, especially as our kids get older. I think this is such a useful and important thing to ask ourselves.

Gretchen: So, Rachel, I feel like by sharing these stories, I'm hoping that folks out there realize that they're not alone. If you've been feeling socially isolated because you know your kid has some challenges and maybe people don't understand some of the parenting things you have to do, or maybe your kid just doesn't want to go to a lot of these events like, Hello, my kids were never soccer people, and I felt like such an outsider that I was never a soccer person. However, you're not alone and you will find your people.

Rachel: Yeah, I think it's really important to remember that and to look a little, too. You know, they're not always going to just kind of land in your lap. But I think it can be really helpful to be willing to share enough that you can find people who can relate to you. Because I think I've found that so many parents are experiencing very similar things. It is sometimes an interesting conversation starter, and then if you feel like it's going to fall flat or go nowhere, so you know, that's OK. Then you're just where you were. But it's worth having conversations with people.

Gretchen: Yeah. And also, I feel like as adults, we also need to remember that our friends, our adult friends don't have to be parents of kids our kids know. They can be people you meet anywhere. Wor, gym, clubs, whatnot. And sometimes you're better off for it having some friends that are outside of the kid circle.

Rachel: Yes, the outside-the-bubble people can be really, really great to have in your life.

Gretchen: Yes, I agree.

Rachel: Thanks so much for listening today. And by the way, if social isolation is something you've struggled with, raising a child with learning and thinking differences, we'd love to hear from you. Share your story with us at init@understood.org.

Gretchen: And check out the show notes for this episode, where we have more resources and links to anything we mentioned.

Rachel: This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you'd like to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.

Gretchen: "In It" is produced and edited by Julie Subrin, with additional production support from Cody Nelson and Ash Beecher. Justin D. Wright mixes the show and Mike Errico wrote our theme music. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

Rachel: From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. Thanks for listening.

Gretchen: And thanks for always being "in it" with us.