Parental burnout? What to do before you lose it

Sometimes, parents and caregivers can feel overwhelmed or burned out. Caring for children can feel exhausting and add up without us even realizing it.

What’s a parent to do?

In this episode of In It, we talk with Dr. Nekeshia Hammond. Hammond is a psychologist, executive function coach, and motivational speaker. She specializes in helping people navigate burnout and exhaustion, as well as how to build resiliency.

During our conversation, Nekeshia shows us ways to answer the following questions:

• How am I doing?

• What do I need?

• What steps can I take today to make some improvements in my life?

She also talks about the importance of finding support you can lean on and understanding that you, as a parent or caregiver, don’t have to do everything.

 We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at init@understood.org.

Related resources

• Parenting guilt: Tips to get past it

• A personal conversation about being a mom (and woman) with ADHD

• “I’m not yelling—you’re yelling!” Tips for staying calm when kids act out

• Building self-compassion skills

• 32 examples of workplace accommodations

Timestamps

(02:08) Taking a minute

(04:47) Adult time-outs for managing parental burnout

(06:28) Long-term strategies for your mental health and finding boundaries

(11:11) Delegating tasks and accepting help

(14:07) What to do when we lose it

(17:10) Knowing when to walk away

(20:25) Feeling isolated

Episode transcript

Gretchen: Hello and welcome to "In It," a podcast for families with kids who learn and think differently.

Rachel: Here you'll find advice, camaraderie, stories of successes and yes, sometimes failures from experts and from parents and caregivers like you.

Gretchen: I'm Gretchen Vierstra, a former classroom teacher and an editor here at Understood.org.

Rachel: And I'm Rachel Bozek, a writer, editor, and mom who has definitely been in it. Today, we're setting our kids' needs down just for a minute and attending to you, me, and all the moms, dads, and caregivers who are in it.

Gretchen: And who sometimes feel overwhelmed and like we just don't have the time or the energy or the tools to help ourselves.

Rachel: Joining us to help develop some of those tools is psychologist, executive function coach, and motivational speaker, Dr. Nekeshia Hammond.

Gretchen: Dr. Hammond specializes in helping people to navigate burnout and exhaustion and to develop resiliency. And boy, are we glad to have her here with us today. Dr. Hammond, welcome to "In It."

Nekeshia: Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Gretchen: We're so happy you're here today. And as you know, this is a podcast for families with kids who have learning and thinking differences. So, that means ADHD, reading and math challenges, perhaps sensory challenges, anxiety. And that can be a lot for parents.

Nekeshia: Yes.

Gretchen: So, what advice do you have for folks who are overwhelmed but don't feel like they can ever stop, not even for a minute, supporting and advocating for their kids?

Nekeshia: Yeah, it definitely can be a challenging journey at times, but also it's really, really important for us as parents to make sure we're doing our best to take care of ourselves. I know I'm in the field of psychology, I know the buzzword of self-care is like thrown around all the time and it can feel like, "Oh my God, how in the world am I supposed to fit that in too?" However, it's even taking the small steps.

(02:08) Taking a minute

Like I have something that I always advocate for called "Take a Minute" and that's literally 60 seconds a day with yourself to reset and recharge as a start. If you're in that mode right now of like, "I'm so overwhelmed, I'm so stressed out. My child has — like you said — ADHD or anxiety or behavior issues or whatever's going on at school," like it can be overwhelming.

But it's also important to take care of yourself for your sanity, your mental health, and your physical health, and also bringing that better version of yourself to your child who needs you as well.

Gretchen: Yes. So, one minute, how do you remind yourself to do that every day?

Nekeshia: So, some people I know that do it, you can set your cell phone timer if you need reminders because that's something that's really, really important. A lot of people set cell phone timers for medication and things like that, which, of course, are important for our physical health. But you can also have a timer for your mental health as well. Whatever time of the day works best for you.

If you skip a day or two like it's OK, don't have the parent guilt, but you know, continue on that journey because it can really start to set your brain up to understand how much you need to have that downtime for you to function better as a parent and for yourself.

Gretchen: Yeah, having that downtime is key, even if it is just a minute.

Nekeshia: Yeah. And what'll happen though is I mean, that's literally the start. Like right now, at this point in my own wellness journey, I don't set a cell phone timer because it's such a habit now. Like, it may not start off that way, but like, you will start to crave that time for yourself. You will be like, "OK I need to take a minute." Like, I take a lot of minutes actually throughout the day. Like take some deep breaths, like just step outside or drink a cup of tea or just really calming things because it has a lot of benefits.

And it's also something you can teach your kids as well. But it has a lot of benefits for you even with your nervous system that we need to do our best to get back to a calmer place because we're often in like fight or flight mode.

Especially for kids who are really anxious, like it's hard, or parents who are really anxious and you're just constantly like your thoughts are racing, your mind is going "I have the to-do list. I'm so overwhelmed," it's even more critical to try to get your mind and body into a calmer state of being.

Rachel: I'm feeling like when I do this, but I guess I never really thought about it as like that that's what I'm doing, if I get someplace early and I just, like, sit in my car for a couple of minutes.

Nekeshia: Yes, that counts.

Rachel: Get my brain in order.

Nekeshia: That is good.

Rachel: And like anybody listening who knows me, is like, "You're never early for anything." Maybe I am and I'm just sitting in my car having a moment.

Nekeshia: That's good.

(04:47) Adult time-outs for managing parental burnout

Rachel: So, I'm guessing that you have some in-the-moment strategies and more long-term strategies for managing feelings of parental burnout.

Nekeshia: Yeah.

Rachel: Can we talk about some more of the in-the-moment ones?

Rachel: Yeah. Sometimes I call it almost like an adult time-out where you have to cave yourself — and not as a punishment. Like when we think a time out for kids, we're like, "OK, they're on punishment," but you have to like call a time-out for yourself as an adult and be like, "OK, how am I doing?" Are you checking in with yourself? Most of us don't, especially parents. The U.S. surgeon general just had this whole study done about how stressed out we are as parents and the extra added layers of stress, especially after Covid.

But are you checking in with yourself enough and asking yourself, how am I doing? And there's always three questions I encourage people to ask themselves, especially parents. One is, how am I doing? And doing that hopefully at least once a week. And the second question to ask yourself is, what do I need? So, physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, at this phase of your life, what is it that you really need?

And also, the third question is what step can I take today to make some improvement in my life? And that step could literally be like, I need a break or I need to start taking a minute, or I need to take a small step. Like, please also celebrate the small wins and the little baby steps that sometimes you have to take toward your own wellness journey.

(06:28) Long-term strategies for your mental health and finding boundaries

Gretchen: I want to switch to more long-term strategies. So, you know, parenting is a long haul, right? You know, I'm getting close to one of mine going out of the house soon, but I am sure I'm still going to have all the same amount of stress and anxiety when the child is not here.

Nekeshia: Yes.

Gretchen: So, long-term strategies. What are some things that families can do to long term kind of ease all of this that goes with parenting?

Nekeshia: Yeah, I'm a huge advocate of support and understanding that with parenting, you don't have to do that, you don't have to do parenting alone. And what I mean by that is I don't mean whoever is in your household, but outside of your household.

Are you doing your best to find individuals who support you? Whether that's in work, whether that's family or friends, or if you have a place of worship or, you know, wherever it is for you. Like, do you have people to support you to hear you sometimes to be like, you know, "I'm stressed out today. My kid is driving me crazy." It's really critical to start to build that support network, whatever that looks like.

There's, I mean, there's so many resources, of course, on you guys's website as well. But there's a critical need right now, especially for parents and there's plenty of research on it to have that strong support to really get through, like you said, the long term.

And if the people around you right now, for whatever reason, are not as supportive as you need or you feel like you need some extra help, maybe reaching out to a mental health professional is another step to really think about, like, how do I learn the coping skills that I need to get through some, you know, the bumpy times, if you will, or just have that extra added layer of support.

Rachel: So, I think part of the problem can be when we try to be someone who's doing everything for everyone and in that effort, find that we have, like, no boundaries.

Nekeshia: Yeah.

Rachel: So, you know, we're taking our kids to appointments. We're taking them to activities in sports. We're helping them with homework and volunteering at their school if we can. And, you know, even just trying to, like, reach out and connect with anyone who we maybe feel is like doesn't get our kids. What advice do you have for people who are listening or maybe for me, for people who have trouble drawing boundaries?

Nekeshia: Yeah. You know, one of the things that I've heard in talking with a lot of different people at this point as a mental professional is that sometimes our struggle is not with our own schedules, but it's with the people around us who are putting judgment on what you're doing. So, the bigger question I would want parents to ask themselves is, is this whatever you're doing, is this working for your family?

Because sometimes it just does, like you said, like sometimes there's just things you can't take off your plate. Like my son — I have a 12-year-old son right now — like, he's super busy. Like he's like, he's a basketball fanatic. So, he's with the practices and the games and the tournament, like it's a lot. And we as parents decided we're not going to take it off our plates to reduce our stress of like, that's something that's very important to him.

And so, anyhow, it's important to have a conversation as a family to really say like, "OK, what is it that's the non-negotiables? Like this has to get done." But also how do you add in that self-care time? So, sometimes you do it, like you said earlier where sometimes it's solo, but sometimes you can also do it as a family, especially in certain periods where times are, where your time is limited.

But it is important, like you said, to have those conversations of like, what is it that we can't take off our plate, but also how do we best thrive as a family? A lot of people look at a lot of different kind of families and just have a lot of judgment, unfortunately. But it's the bigger thing is, is this working for you and your family?

Gretchen: Yeah, I think that judgment is hard to, it's hard to get away from sometimes, right?

Nekeshia: Yes. Oh yeah.

You feel like you have to do these things because if someone says you're not doing them, then you're going to be judged for that.

Nekeshia: Yeah. There's a lot of judgment out there and I won't say it's an easy process. As a parent, we're just, I feel like we're constantly judged as parents for one thing or another.

But it also hopefully can be a part of your own mental health journey to really take a step back and be like, "OK, let's try as a family to be more comfortable in who we are. We're thriving or we're healthy" and work on just reducing the distractions and the world around you, if you will, that may judge you for certain things that don't need to be judged anyway.

Gretchen: Yeah. I have a follow-up to Rachel's question.

Nekeshia: Yeah.

(11:11) Delegating tasks and accepting help

Gretchen: Because I understand like boundaries, right? Like it's hard to draw boundaries. It's also hard sometimes to let go of stuff. Like I'm someone who I feel like I take on tasks because unfortunately, in my mind I'm like, "Well, if I don't do them, they're not going to get done on time or done the way I like them, which of course I think is the right way."

Nekeshia: Yeah.

Gretchen: I don't know if you've heard this from other parents.

Nekeshia: Oh for sure. For sure.

Gretchen: So, how do you fix me? How do you help me feel like I don't have to do all these things?

Nekeshia: Yeah, it's hard. Delegation is really, really, really important as a parent. But it can be hard, especially if you're someone who has a hard time accepting help when maybe someone says, "Hey, I can take care of your four-year-old today. And like feel free to take a break." But you're like, "No, I need to do..." or whatever it is the task at hand. But also that is a process to work on delegating more things.

And it doesn't have to be everything, of course, but more things to help you free up some of your time, and again, make sure that you're in the mental space that you want to be in because you deserve to be emotionally healthy.

Gretchen: Yeah.

Nekeshia: And you deserve to have joy, like you deserve to have those things. So, my bigger concern is where for parents, it really hits the burnout where, you know, like you're so exhausted, you're so fed up, you're so overwhelmed now nothing's getting done, right? So, that we just lost all that productivity, you know, and the kids are being affected like families are being affected. Work is being affected.

So, before we get to that point, taking the steps to say, "Hey, what is it that I can delegate to others around me who want to help?" Sometimes you're in a situation where people do want to help, but it's us as parents that say "Wait a minute, I don't know if I can accept the help right now."

Rachel: Yeah, well, because sometimes accepting help, if you're not good at accepting help, which I am often not, it's like you're saying "I'm not able to do that."

Nekeshia: Yeah.

Rachel: And you don't want to put that out there.

Nekeshia: Yeah.

Rachel: That's not what it's saying, but it feels like it.

Nekeshia: It definitely feels like it. And it's a matter of working on your mindset because a lot of us, especially as parents, we tell ourselves all these things that are not true. Just because you think something does not make it true. We tell ourselves these narratives that are just not true about parenting. Our expectations sometimes are very unrealistic. And it doesn't mean you're weak or you're not capable or you're not a good parent.

Like all those things that tend to run through our mind when we should be accepting, you know, the help or time or whatever it is that other people around us sometimes want to offer us. But it is a process to start to replace your thoughts. There's a whole type of therapy on that. But to really start to reframe what you're saying to yourself, that is not necessarily true.

Gretchen: OK, so, we are all human, as we know.

Nekeshia: Yes.

(14:07) What to do when we lose it

Gretchen: And sometimes as humans, we might lose it. As a parent, you know, there's been some times where I may have dropped a word that I didn't want people to hear because I was really upset about something or, you know, there was the year I got so frustrated during the holidays that I might have yelled "Christmas is canceled." And yeah, and then my daughter proceeded to text my mother-in-law and tell her that mom canceled Christmas.

Nekeshia: Oh no. Lovely.

Gretchen: I know. So, there's, you know, there's times where we do things and we feel completely awful after and we didn't mean to do that. And then we're so afraid we're going to break our kids or that's going to be the foundational memory for the rest of their lives. So, what do you say to the parent who gets to that point and makes that mistake? What do we do?

Nekeshia: Yeah. I strongly believe for parents that we have to give ourselves more grace and have to understand there is no perfect person, no perfect parent on the planet. You will make mistakes most times, depending what the mistake is. But most times those mistakes that we think are so huge and are going to ruin our child for life, like they're not. They're just not. So, the goal is doing the best that you can when you're showing up, doing the best that you can.

Continue to work on yourself, continue to positively pour into your kids as much as possible. There will be times where you're going to get angry. You're going to get upset. You're going to say something you didn't mean. And you can also have those conversations with your child depending on their age, of course, and say, "You know what? In this situation, I was angry. I was stressed out of work," or whatever the case was, "I apologize. Let's start over or let's try something different."

You're allowed to do that because, again, we're human, like you said, right? But we really, really have to work on getting to a place of more grace for ourselves. I hear a lot, a lot of mom guilt stories. Is something to really keep in mind, like, do the best you can. Take care of your kids, take care of yourself, and give yourself grace. Especially for the small stuff.

Gretchen: Yeah.

Rachel: I have one very, very specific question for you.

Nekeshia: Yeah.

Rachel: But it's kind of, it sort of fits into the mix of all the things that we've been talking about. So, you know, when you're the parent who's trying to kind of like keep it cool, not, you know, kind of like give in to that urge to just, like, lose your mind — which we can't always do — do you have any suggestions or tips for like in that moment when you're like, "Oh God, you know, this is just kind of going off the rails and I'm about to just totally, like, lose it to my kid or cancel Christmas or whatever it may be."

Gretchen: Don't call me, Rachel.

Rachel: So, but like, what can we do in those moments or like, you know, the two seconds before those moments?

(17:10) Knowing when to walk away

Nekeshia: Yeah, and it definitely varies per parent, I will say that. Some parents again, need what I call the adult time-out. So, actually, a lot of parents I've talked to have said when they're at that point where they're just so angry, so upset, they literally have to just walk away.

Gretchen: Yeah.

Nekeshia: Otherwise, the conversation that would have continued would have been very disastrous. And I know it seems like a simple thing to do, but it can be really hard to do that.

Gretchen: Oh yeah.

Nekeshia: Sometimes walking away is a really hard thing to do, but it's working on consciously making the effort to know, like, "OK, I feel in my body," whatever that looks like, "I feel hot or I feel my stomach or my head aches," or whatever it is that you know, like you've reached the point where this is too much to handle being self-aware enough to know you're at that point and then telling yourself, "OK, I need to step away. I just need to step away." And you come back to the conversation when the conversation is going to be a little bit better for you in that child.

But that's one way. Another way is and again, hard thing to do, I wish I had like an easy intervention. But another thing is really trying to take some deep breaths, which is very difficult when you're really angry.

But it really, really does work to reduce your, like physically what happens when you're really angry sometimes and your blood pressure is up and you're maybe you're sweating or you just feel your heart racing like you're physically angry when you take the deep breaths, it can get you back into a normal heart way. Like just take it physically down a notch.

And also your brain. I mean, there's a, I don't want to go to much in the weeds, but your brain also like there's so many chemical reactions. Like a lot of things are happening when you're really in a state of anger and you obviously don't want it to get to the point of rage, but just stopping to take the deep breaths.

And again, maybe those deep breaths have to be when you step away. But it takes practice. It takes practice to do that. And again, I don't want to minimize like how it is hard. It is overwhelming and it is very frustrating at times, but also making an effort and taking that practice to know when is best for that conversation to happen.

Gretchen: Yeah. Walking away is so hard.

Nekeshia: Yeah.

Gretchen: And I think you're right. Like, for me, I have to, I like, I can now tell you, like, why I need to walk away when I get, like, my heart is just racing.

Nekeshia: Yes. Yes.

Gretchen: Like that when I'm like, "Oh my God, I'm going to blow up on somebody. I've got to get out of here."

Nekeshia: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. We all have our physical signs, like depending on what they are. But yeah, definitely, you know, in your head, like you're like, "OK, yep, I'm at the point. Yeah."

Rachel: And that minute doesn't count as your minute of me time. You still get another minute of me time.

Gretchen: Yeah.

Nekeshia: Yeah. That is not, that does not count. That's your adult time-out. That doesn't count.

Rachel: You know, raising kids with learning and thinking differences, it may not look hard or look different to people outside of the family where it's happening.

Nekeshia: Yeah.

Rachel: And they may not get, like, what the day-to-day challenges are or just like the day-to-day needs. And maybe that's part of what's hard, right? Is just kind of like that feeling of isolation because other people don't get it.

(20:25) Feeling isolated

Nekeshia: It can definitely lead to that isolation feeling, and feeling, for parents, like you're alone in this.

Rachel: Yeah.

Nekeshia: And it was even harder to. So, I kind of split my time to do a lot of different things. But when I am in my office and my private practice and I do evaluations for like learning disabilities, let's say, what's really hard too, is some kids are gifted and they have learning disabilities, which is really difficult for people understand that. Like, "I don't understand. They're smart. Like, how can they..."

And it's like parents in that situation, for example, it's really hard because you're trying to explain like, yes, but this is, my child takes three hours to do homework that could have taken them 20 minutes because they're struggling with, you know, some type of learning difference. And so, that is really difficult. And I want to encourage parents, too, to understand that you don't have to explain every single thing to people outside of your household because it is just hard for society sometimes, unfortunately, to understand and to get it.

But also try your best to find people that will understand your situation. Like there's so many great forums, reputable forums. I mean, you guys obviously have amazing information resources like, well, I find that when a lot of parents like read information are like, "Oh OK, like there's other kids going through this. Yes, absolutely." Or other parents experiencing these challenges. The forums, the support groups, like they do feel more Understood, no pun intended.

But, yes, that is something that is very chronic that I've seen a lot as well. Like just it's hard and it's very different from a physical disability or, you know, some type of physical difference that can be seen. If a child was in a wheelchair, it's a great thing to have empathy for the child. But when a child has a learning difference or ADHD or something that can't always be seen like, it's just not the same, unfortunately for parents.

Rachel: Yeah, yeah. And I think that is such a really good point that you made, like the idea that you don't owe anybody an explanation.

Nekeshia: No.

Rachel: And I think there is a balance to strike about the need or desire for some parents to like want other people to understand.

Nekeshia: Yeah.

Gretchen: Yeah.

Rachel: But then having to kind of like read the room and if you don't feel like that's going to be helpful for your own mental wellbeing, just kind of like move on with your day and let them do their thing. And we don't owe that discussion to anyone.

Gretchen: No, Well, this has been such a great conversation. And so, as we get to the end, I'm wondering if you have anything else you want to share about helping families with mental health as they go through parenting challenges? Any last tips?

Nekeshia: Yeah. I would remind parents to make yourself your number one priority. I know that's difficult to hear because we want to be doing everything for everyone else, especially as parents and our kids. But when you really start to also work on becoming a healthier version of who you are emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, you can better show up as a parent for your child or children and for everyone else around you, frankly, when you do that.

Gretchen: Such good advice.

Rachel: Yes. Thank you so much.

Nekeshia: You're welcome.

Rachel: Thanks so much for listening today. If you have any thoughts about the episode, we'd love to hear from you. You can email us at init@understood.org.

Gretchen: And check out the show notes for this episode, where we have more resources and links to anything we mentioned.

Rachel: This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org.

Gretchen: "In It" is produced and edited by Julie Subrin, with additional production support from Cody Nelson and Ash Beecher. Justin D. Wright mixes the show and Mike Errico wrote our theme music. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

Rachel: From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. Thanks for listening.

Gretchen: And thanks for always being "in it" with us.