ADHD or OCD? (Julianna Broadwater’s story)

For years, Julianna Broadwater’s therapist suggested looking into ADHD. But Julianna resisted. She had a past diagnosis of OCD, so she attributed her challenges to that. Plus she was the primary breadwinner in the family, so how could she have ADHD? 

Then Julianna tried ADHD medication, and her thinking completely changed. The impulsive, intrusive thoughts that would pop into her head started to lessen. It was easy to swat them away like flies, instead of dropping everything to focus on them. 

Julianna was diagnosed with ADHD during the pandemic. Hear about her OCD misdiagnosis, and how the symptoms she thought were her OCD actually stemmed from ADHD. 

Want to share your “aha” moment? We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at ADHDAha@understood.org.

Related resources

• I have ADHD and OCD. Here’s what a weekend getaway looks like for me

• What is perseveration?

• ADHD and anxiety

Timestamps

(01:17) Julianna’s ADHD diagnosis story

(06:49) Julianna’s experience growing up

(11:42) Julianna’s OCD misdiagnosis

(13:59) Getting stuck on thoughts

(15:26) Never going back to how things were before the pandemic

Episode transcript

Julianna: And then within like ten minutes, it was like the lights just got a little bit brighter and my head got really, really quiet. And all those impulses, those self-interrupting alerts, those notifications that I didn't ask for, they're incredibly unhelpful and emotionally destabilizing and disruptive on all sorts of levels. Those got really, really sparse and much easier about a way like a fruit fly as opposed to like, "Hold up. I need to drop everything and like, look at this." It wasn't as tempting or sticky.

Laura: This is "ADHD Aha!," a podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. My name is Laura Key. I head up our editorial team here at Understood.org, and as someone who's had my own ADHD "aha" moment, I'll be your host.

I am here today with Julianna Broadwater. Julianna is an administrative business partner who wrote in to share her story. So, Julianna, welcome. Thanks for being here today.

Julianna: Thank you for having me.

(01:17) Julianna's ADHD diagnosis story

Laura: So you, like so many other women, were diagnosed with ADHD during the pandemic. Essentially, ADHD diagnoses in women doubled during the pandemic.

Julianna: I can believe it.

Laura: Everyone's story is unique. So, let's start with your ADHD diagnosis story. Tell me what was going on.

Julianna: Well, first off, I kind of went into it kicking and screaming a bit because my mother is an educational therapist and she suspected for a while something was up, but I had always tested, I guess, neurotypical. They always said, "Oh she's got anxiety, some OCD traits. She just needs to like work a little bit harder and calm down at the same time." So, I had a psychologist I've been working with since 2004, and she kept suggesting it, but she also called it out in my husband, who definitely had a very clear case of ADHD, runs through his family.

And so, I just assumed because I'm the principal breadwinner, I'm the one who's managing the groceries and the tasks and the errands and the sort of admin roles for our house, there's no way I could possibly do that and have ADHD and be married to someone with ADHD. I mean, I've listened to your previous podcasts, I mean, you could write a book of just all the reasons why somebody with ADHD resisted, eluded diagnosis based on criteria that doesn't really hold up.

In my case, it really was because for sure, the daughter of an educational therapist, especially, I mean, if I can say, like a damn good what. But then also because I was married to someone and he's very different from me. And I was like, "Well, I'm not my husband." And clearly, if we were both with ADHD, we would not make it this far. We wouldn't have a house, we wouldn't have X, Y, Z, we wouldn't be able to, goodness knows. I mean, he set my mic here today. I mean, he's, we're a partnership through and through.

But I think because the executive functioning largely fell on me, I thought there's no way I could have had ADHD. And so, like a lot of people who go on an ADHD discovery, I feel we need a better term for that period, when you find out you're newly diagnosed and you're like, oh my gosh, everything makes sense and everyone around me gets to hear me verbally process through everything. Like while I'm doing sort of like a forensics on like my years up to this point.

Laura: We call it ADHD "aha" moments here on the "ADHD Aha!" podcast. So, we can use that term.

Julianna: Yeah. But it's like ADHD "aha" like year. So, my husband was going through that and then the pandemic hits. Working from home, homeschooling kids, had like a one-year-old, a three-year-old, and a seven-year-old. The sort of scaffolding that I had built up over the years to mask and support myself. I mean, the wheels were coming off the wagon during Covid, for sure.

And then I finally, like my therapist kept saying, "I think you might have it." And I was like, "No, I have OCD. It's drug-resistant OCD." But what I couldn't figure out is the OCD was getting pretty bad. I'm like, let me just, you know, go through this ADHD thing just to see if it will help. And I tried the medication and I took the tiniest dose. I was so scared to take it.

And then within like ten minutes, it was like the lights just got a little bit brighter and my head got really, really quiet. And all those impulses, those self-interruptive alerts, those notifications that I didn't ask for, they're incredibly unhelpful, and emotionally destabilizing and disruptive on all sorts of levels. Those got really, really sparse and much easier about a way, like a fruit fly, as opposed to like, "Hold up. I need to drop everything in like, look at this." It wasn't as tempting or sticky.

And to me, that was the "Well, maybe I don't have ADHD, but the stuff really helps with the OCD" because they kept saying, if you have OCD, you should not be taking medication, specifically for people with ADHD, primarily any sort of stimulant medication because there is a proven record of people who did not have OCD prior, but developing OCD like tendencies or behavior after taking a stimulant medication. And that was always a fear of prescribers.

And I researched it and it turns out, you know, it's, I think the paralymbic part of the brain, the cortex, where it's a disease of repetition. So, it's ADHD, motor tics, and OCD are sort of like in the same part of the brain more or less that are affected. It is documented that it can be a thing, but I think it's just not as well known. That could be a co-morbidity or in my case, the OCD stems from the ADHD.

So, when I finally got that ADHD "aha" moment and the diagnosis and all that, I was like, "Oh this is the way my brain goes. When I'm unmedicated and unsupported, it goes into OCD territory," which is why I was labeled to have quote unquote drug-resistant OCD. I didn't have actual OCD.

(06:49) Julianna's experience growing up

Laura: Right. It was ADHD the whole time. When we talked last, one thing that you said to me was that your diagnosis, your ADHD diagnosis, was startling. And I want to hear more about why it was startling, because you've got a pretty neurodivergent family, right? And your mom also has experience working with kids with ADHD. So, tell me why it was startling.

Julianna: Well, as we all know, like in the '80s and '90s, if you weren't like a cisgendered male student who was acting out, you weren't going to get necessarily flagged as a possible ADHDer, back then they called it ADD. And I think also if you're quiet and you're well-meaning, it sort of underlines it.

And so, I mean, in retrospect, I would get detention, but I was always like the kid...like I'd walk in and like the detention teacher, Mrs. Einfeld would be like, "Oh you again. But Julianna, what? You're just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Like, you're not like the bad kids. You're just there." A bunch of you guys were, like, cutting chapel and going to, like, Starbucks or whatever.

But, like, I was, like, the one who was kind of, like, distracted, like running to class up when we were sneaking back into the campus, you know, like, I was always the one who was getting caught. But they were always like, "Ugh you're just like hapless." And I think realizing that it was just, I just like the excitement.

I got like the funny, naughty, probably ADHD caring kids, but I just wasn't like meeting them with like, let's lock the teacher in the classroom and close the blinds and play music really loud. Like, I wasn't doing that. I was just in the room because it was kind of, it was fun to watch.

Laura: So, like a subtle troublemaker, maybe?

Julianna: Yeah. Yeah. Or like subversive. I think a lot of it was growing up in a country where at that point women didn't have the right to vote yet. Girls and women were treated very, very differently. I learned to be passive or be subversive in a very underhanded way. So, I think because I would be so sweet and well-meaning, but I had such a complicated relationship with authority, where is was like, "Do you like me? Do you like me? Do you love me? Am I good enough?" And the part of me was just so punk, like, I'm going to start flipping tables. I don't care. And I'm just, you know, like.

Laura: Did you say punk?

Julianna: Yeah. Yeah.

Laura: I love that. Yeah.

Julianna: I had, like, you know, that like that other side. But I would just kind of keep it couched in this very fluffy, soft, malleable exterior. But interior, I really like the spikyness. But I just learned to mask that. So I didn't realize how much of it was part of a bigger thing. These were just facets of something I didn't quite understand.

My upbringing was a bit unique too, because I didn't grow up in England, but I went to a British school. My mom was actually a teacher there, but she was the only American in the whole school. It was very, very British where almost all the teachers were from England. And so, uniforms and rigid posture, emphasis on the sort of things that we don't really think about in the American school system.

And so, that adherence to being, you know, flawless and wearing your tie and your hat and your blazer and it's like, you know, in the desert, like blazing hot heat and, you know, staying on task and having great penmanship and all that. It was so hard for me. And I was a, you know, a foreigner and expat. You know, I was a minority on many levels. I was also female. So, I was sort of just apologizing just for being there. I used to teach English in Japan, there's a phrase where they say, like, "The nail that sticks out should be pounded down."

Laura: That's that nail that's sticking out.

Julianna: Absolutely. But I really tried. Goodness knows I tried to conform, but it was just impossible. So, then I just became really shy. And I'm like "Well then this will be a self-protective mechanism, if I just sort of like retreat into myself, just be in my own world, read my books, don't have friends, just hang out. Like just do my own thing."

Laura: There's absolutely no shade with this question, you know, this is just because we've learned so much, but what do you think she thought was going on with you that she didn't see potential ADHD symptoms?

Julianna: OK. Well... send this to my mom to listen to. I mean, she had it, so she did...

Laura: We love Julianna's mom, by the way.

Julianna: So, she didn't know. Yeah. No, my mom's a force of nature. I think she modeled a lot that hybrid, spikyness and softness that, my mom's got a punk streak to her. You wouldn't know it looking at her, but goodness knows the apple doesn't fall far. And I think because of it, she had reckoned with her apples. So, when they would manifest in her daughter, it was like, I always sensed that there was some depth to it. This is beyond me, what she's talking to me about, because I think a lot of the time she was talking to herself.

(11:42) Julianna's OCD misdiagnosis

Laura: So, when were you misdiagnosed? We can say with OCD.

Julianna: Gosh, in high school. I mean, the thoughts started happening when I was about 4 or 5 with intense anxiety. But like when it started becoming like the repetition, like I think 16, it started a little bit and came back when I was 18, got a little bit better, got worse when I was 21. Yeah. Adolescence was when it started, but really like kicked off in early adulthood.

Laura: And there is a lot of overlap between ADHD and OCD. I'm not an expert on this, but I mean, what I do know is, you know, around sensory sensitivities and intrusive thoughts and struggling with working memory and executive functioning difficulties, of course. So, what were the symptoms that were the hardest to untangle for you or for your neuropsychologist?

Julianna: Just kind of came back to like the repetition and the anxiety. But then he was explaining to me how anxiety can be a very natural, common either co-morbidity or symptom or manifestation of like untreated or imbalanced ADHD.

Laura: Yeah, they can co-exist or you can feel a lot of anxiety because of your ADHD symptoms. I certainly, I have both diagnoses, but like they get all tangled up. Right?

Julianna: Yeah. Yeah. And I think with the repetition too, it's like, "If I do this, I'll be OK. If I do this, I'll be OK." And when you feel like you're struggling to get your ducks in a row and then inwardly you're just a cacophony of unwanted thoughts and confetti and noise and fears and all that, having some sort of repetition, "If I do this, I will be OK. If I do this, I'll be OK." And you start strengthening that muscle and that habit, you're going to lean into that.

Because it's like, well, there's some order. And I think, you know, everyone needs a little bit of order and a little bit of disorder. I think you have to have a very finely tuned ratio or combination of the two. I love a little bit of disorder. I love a little bit of, you know, something that's a little bit unexpected or off or wonky or strange, I think. But at the same time, when there's too much of it, I was seeking order in ways that weren't conducive to my well-being.

(13:59) Getting stuck on thoughts

Laura: Do you ever get stuck on thoughts?

Julianna: Absolutely. Second thoughts, repetition thoughts. And my husband always points out, "It's like you'd always get these thoughts when things are going really well." It's like it just kind of come up like, "Well, have you thought about this?" Like, you know, like it was always, like, to temper the happiness or something. It would just sort of like, come out.

Laura: Can you give me an example of a thought that you've gotten stuck on?

Julianna: Yeah, a lot of it was just like around like health. My own health, my well-being. And "Oh here's like a disease I haven't heard of before. Let me just go on PubMed and like research it and then email the doctors who wrote the paper and ask them to explain, like explain it to me. But like things like that or like I think even like growing up as a child, you hear about like this, like this like sin or this thought like would deny you entrance to heaven. This idea of the unpardonable sin was a big one for me.

And so, I think when I was like 15 I moved to the U.S. I heard about the unpardonable sin and like how you do it. Oh my goodness. My brain just kept like, thinking about it and like, OK, I think I just did it. I think I just did it. I think I just, like, blasphemed. I'm going to hell.

I remember going, leaving school early because I was convinced I was going to hell. I'm like, I can't finish this day. I think I need to figure out how I'm going to manage through eternity in hell right now. Like I was having like a crisis of faith and identity, it was pretty intense. My mom had to really, like, unpack that with me and be like, "You're not going to hell. Go back to band class." Like, you know.

(15:26) Never going back to how things were before the pandemic

Laura: When we talked last, I was rereading your email that you sent in. You wrote, "I will never go back to where I was pre-pandemic." What did you mean by that?

Julianna: I think that self-awareness that I have now that I didn't have before and I think, watching my husband go through his diagnosis. I have so much empathy where I'm like raff about when I know I meet somebody or talk to somebody or have a new boss or whomever, I'm like, "Hey, I have this. When it's challenging, I don't like it either. I'm a work in progress. I'm not precious about it. Point it out. Don't, I mean, don't shame me, but like, we're all works in progress."

Everyone's got something going on with their brain. Everyone's working on something, trying to better themselves or dealing with their own demons, whatever kind they are. But I think for me, knowing what's going on under the hood for me helps me be more proactive, but it also helps bridge the gaps so other people can work with it. And as you've expressed in this past hour, my train of thought is all over the place. There's nothing linear about knowing where that's coming from. I'm much proactive about the scaffolding to hold me in place.

Laura: Well, thank you so much, Julianna. I appreciate you taking the time.

Julianna: Can I say one last thing, if that's OK?

Laura: Sure.

Julianna: I just really want to apologize to people who have ADHD who were diagnosed before the pandemic because it's just been so much harder for this group to now absorb countless more numbers and the problems it is causing, too. But I jokingly called it to my husband, a cold comfort club, you know, in a lot of ways. And like you got like another member of it here. But I just want to acknowledge, like, that's got to be tough for those folks, too. Like, I just want to acknowledge the, for lack of a better term, the OGs in that space, I'm always curious, like how they're managing.

Laura: Based on that definition, I am an OG and I will tell you that I certainly do not blame you or anyone diagnosed during the pandemic for the medication shortage. That is not your fault. I'm just glad you're getting treatment and getting support.

Julianna: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Laura: Thank you again, Julianna.

Julianna: Appreciate it.

Laura: As always, if you want to share your own "aha" moment, email us at ADHDaha@understood.org. I'd love to hear from you. Be sure to check out the show notes for this episode. We have more resources and links to anything we mentioned.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.

"ADHD Aha!" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli. Say hi, Jessamine!

Jessamine: Hi everyone.

Laura: And Margie DeSantis.

Margie: Hey, hey.

Laura: Video was produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ash Beecher is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Creative and production leadership from Scott Cocchiere and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Laura Key. Thanks so much for listening.