Jessica McCabe (!!) on motherhood, social anxiety, and ADHD medication

How to ADHD creator Jessica McCabe has been the source of many ADHD “aha” moments — so what were her ADHD “aha” moments? 

Jessica was diagnosed when she was 12 years old but didn’t start to look into what ADHD meant for her until she was 32. Taking ADHD medication felt like putting on glasses — experiencing the world as everyone else did. But she didn’t have the skills and strategies to cope with ADHD.

So, she started making YouTube videos...and the rest is history. Listen in as Jessica answers Laura’s many questions, including: What’s it like for her to be a new mom with ADHD? Does she ever get a vulnerability hangover? And why doesn’t she think she’s cool?  

Related resources

• Jessica’s YouTube channel, How to ADHD

• All about ADHD medication

• Understanding trouble with social skills

Timestamps

(03:08) How Jessica feels about being involved in so many people’s “aha” moment

(04:55) Jessica’s diagnosis story at age 12 

(06:16) Jessica’s ADHD medication “aha” moment

(07:33) The creation of Jessica’s YouTube channel How to ADHD

(11:29) Jessica on social anxiety

(14:07) Busting ADHD medication stigma

(16:52) ADHD and new motherhood

(22:49) Going back to work after maternity leave

(26:01) Laura’s rapid-fire questions

(31:49) Jessica’s parting words

Want to share your ADHD “aha” moment? We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at ADHDAha@understood.org.

Episode transcript

Jessica: I decided at 32 to start really looking into this thing that I'd been diagnosed with and everything that I learned, I put somewhere I can actually find it again, and that was YouTube. So while I was diagnosed at 12, I don't think I really understood my ADHD or how to work with my brain, not against it until I started my channel.

Laura: This is "ADHD Aha!," a podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. My name is Laura Key. I head up our editorial team here at Understood.org, and as someone who's had my own ADHD "aha" moment, I'll be your host.

Well, I am so excited to be here today. And before I introduce our amazing guest today, I want to ask our listeners and viewers, if you're on YouTube, a question, how many of you in your ADHD journey to figure out what was going on, to find strategies and tips to figure out, like, "Am I the only person who feels this way?," turn to the internet —because they're probably all of you — and then came across a little channel called "How to ADHD," and on that channel you found answers, you found strategies, maybe you had your own "aha" moments?

But I bet also, more than anything, that you found warmth and you found a community that you didn't know existed. And that is why I am so, so, so excited and honored, almost tearing up — I even put on lipstick today, Jessica, for a video here, so if you're not watching on YouTube. I am so excited to welcome Jessica McCabe. Jess, thank you so much for being here today. Thank you.

Jessica: You put on lipstick for me. I'm so honored; you're making me cry.

Laura: I did. I'm very excited to be here with you today, Jess. And I should add that you have been part of my own journey. I was diagnosed when I was 30, as our listeners know, and finding your videos made so much make sense and just gave me so much solace. And I was like, Ooh, she's so cool. She's so smart."

Jessica: Thank you. I don't know if anybody's ever accused me of being cool. I appreciate that, thank you.

Laura: You're very cool. And you're also a new mom, so congratulations.

Jessica: Thank you. Yeah. If I stumble over words or forget things, it could be the ADHD. It could be Mom Brain. Who knows at this point? I just, I was really grateful for how well prepared I felt for being a new mom and all the extra, you know, executive function challenges that come with it. By having ADHD and understanding my ADHD and learning how to work with that, I felt like, "Oh, a lot of these skills actually transfer over pretty well to being a new mom. Like chaos. I know chaos."

Laura: Yeah. Right. And then there's all the things that you can't plan for, right?

Jessica: Yeah, there was a lot I couldn't plan for it. I tried. I tried to plan for, you know, preventing postpartum depression, and that didn't work. I ended up with it anyway. Postpartum depression is part of my anxiety and ended up triggering my partner's PTSD with how I was behaving, like it was just, it was a mess for the first few weeks. We're just now finally starting to stabilize.

Laura: How old is baby now?

Jessica: Baby is almost five months old. She's a...

Laura: Oh my gosh.

Jessica: Yeah. She's amazing. She's a little leapling was born on leap day. Yeah.

(03:08) How Jessica feels about being involved in so many people's "aha" moment

Laura: We're going to talk about being a mom with ADHD. I first wanted to jump into one question that relates to that introduction, which is how does it feel to know that you have been so many people's ADHD "aha" moment?

Jessica: It was really cool to hear you say that. And it did make me tear up, because I got to have a lot of, a lot of ADHD "aha" moments from the work that other people have done. It's really cool to know that I've been able to provide that for other people too, that the same stunning discoveries that I found have been useful to other people as well.

And I know that intellectually, but like to hear somebody say it and really connect on that level, it just it always makes me cry because I know how game-changing it was for me to learn this stuff. And the idea that, like, I've been able to pass the information along to others and hopefully change other lives as well is really powerful. And it's why, even with a very adorable five-month-old, I'm back at work every day trying to do more.

Laura: Just the way that you from the very beginning, just put yourself out there. So many people have been afraid to. It took me a decade to even speak out loud about my own diagnosis, so I just, just grateful for you.

Jessica: It was scary not because I was talking about my ADHD, because that had been normalized for me in my family, thankfully. But it was really scary to talk about it like I knew what I was saying. I was so, so scared for the first few months of my channel that somebody who actually knew what they were doing would find it and be like, what? You dropped out of college? Like, you don't have a degree in this. What are you doing? Shut it down.

But it was really validating when actually, CHADD was the first professional ADHD organization to pick up my content and say, "Hey, this is worth sharing, and shared it." And I was like, "It's that a fluke?" And then they... I looked at it the next week and looked at their Facebook page and they shared it again and it was like "Oh!" And then they shared it again, and then they shared it again, and it was like, "Oh my God, I guess it's OK. I guess what you're doing is OK."

(04:55) Jessica's diagnosis story at age 12

Laura: You were diagnosed pretty early and life is that right? When were you diagnosed? Can you tell us about what was happening then?

Jessica: Yeah, I feel like I had in my lifetime I the two really big "aha" moments. The first one was the diagnosis, but that actually wasn't as big an "aha" moment because I was diagnosed at the age of 12.

Laura: Right.

Jessica: But I didn't understand what my diagnosis meant. I just knew that my cool aunt, my favorite aunt, had this thing called ADD, and then my mom was like, "You're a lot like your aunt" and took me, and I got diagnosed with this thing called ADD, and I was like, "Cool. I got to join a cool club." I didn't understand what it meant.

All that was explained to me was that I had trouble focusing, and there is this medication that could help me focus. And then it did, and I was able to sit down and do my homework when I wanted to sit down and do my homework, and my GPA went up a full point without me doing anything differently. And I was like, "Cool. That's it, right? I have this label. It's, I just get distracted sometimes... look, butterfly," like. And then this medication helped.

It just, I didn't take it seriously. I didn't really understand anything about it beyond that. So, yeah. While I was diagnosed at 12, I don't think I really understood my ADHD or how to work with my brain, not against it until I started my channel. Until I was an adult. I was 32 years old when I first started to really understand my brain, and that was game changing.

(06:16) Jessica's ADHD medication "aha" moment

Laura: When we talked previously, you mentioned that you had an "aha" moment that was related to medication.

Jessica: It felt like when I put on glasses for the first time and realized I could focus, and this was what the world looked like to everybody else. It was so much easier. I didn't have to squint. I didn't have to sit super close to the board, like, is this what it's supposed to be like?

Laura: Right.

Jessica: And it was kind of a similar thing when I took medication. I could focus, and it was suddenly not so hard to sit down and do what I was trying to do. It didn't feel like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall anymore, and that was just mind blowing to me. And so I actually, I was one of the lucky ones that had a really positive experience right off the bat. And when the meds were off, that was really tough. That was really tough because then I felt disempowered again. I felt like I couldn't focus again, only this time I knew the difference.

And so it became really difficult for me if I ever forgot to take my meds or I couldn't find my meds or I forgot to go to the doctor, I forgot to pick up my meds, I forgot to pay for health insurance. And so, like this tool that I had that was so, so powerful and so helpful to me, when I didn't have it, I had no other tools. I didn't know what else to do because this was the only one that was ever given to me.

(07:33) The creation of Jessica's YouTube channel How to ADHD

Laura: Did the creation of your videos help you develop these other tools?

Jessica: Yeah, so I started the channel because I remembered that there had been other strategies and stuff that I had come across every once in a while, and I tried it, and maybe it helped a little bit for like a week until I forgot, I forgot to do it and got out of the habit of it.

And then when I remembered that it existed and went to go find that article or book or whatever again, I decided at 32 to start really looking into this thing that I'd been diagnosed with, and I started looking into it and everything that I learned, I put somewhere I could actually find it again, and that was YouTube.

It was the only thing I knew I wouldn't lose because I lose books, I lose pens, I lose notebooks, I lose phones. My mom said I would lose my head if it wasn't attached, and the only thing I knew for sure I could find again was YouTube. Anytime I wanted to go to YouTube, I could find YouTube. So, I was like, "I'll put it on YouTube." But yeah, I intentionally did that to give myself more tools, more understanding of what it was that I was dealing with and more tools for coping with it.

Because the truth is that medication, as amazing and impressive and powerful as it was, was not enough. Pills do not teach skills, and at 32 years old, I was broke, divorced, living at home with my mom. I'd ruined my credit. I'm pretty sure I had a whole glovebox full of unpaid parking tickets. I just, my life was an absolute mess and I was still going to the doctor. I was still getting medication, but every month I would go to the doctor and they would ask, "Is your medication working?" And I'd be like, "Yes." "Any side effects?" "No."

They never asked me if my life was working. I would have been like, "Oh no, not at all. Like the medication definitely helps me focus. But planning, prioritizing, sustaining effort toward long-term goals, cleaning, organizing, like all of these things that are required to successfully adult, I struggled with so hard because the meds can help me focus, but they can't tell me what to focus on.

Laura: Were there any particular videos that you created that you found the most helpful? Or maybe you had the biggest vulnerability hangover afterwards? If you even get those. Which videos stick out to you?

Jessica: The very first video was helpful. I did something that's called the One Page Miracle, where you write down all of the things that you want to accomplish in all the areas of your life, and you try to narrow it down to one piece of paper. That was, I think, really powerful for me because I went back a year later and I was absolutely shocked, shocked to find that I had actually accomplished most, if not all of the things I've written down.

Laura: Wow!

Jessica: And that had never in my life happened. And I think it was a lot because I kept it somewhere I could see it for the first, maybe few months. Like I put it in the front of a notebook that I carried around, but then eventually I lost the notebook.

Laura: I was going to say, you lose your notebooks, right? You should just put it up on YouTube so you can do it.

Jessica: Yeah, I think like what I wrote might be in that video, actually. I hadn't thought to do that, but yeah, I eventually did lose the notebook.

Laura: Freeze frame. Yeah.

Jessica: But I was shocked to come back and find that it had worked anyway, even though I'd forgotten. And I think it was just, a lot of it was the act of figuring out what it is that I wanted, because I, like a lot of people with ADHD, get pulled in a million different directions.

And actually, a couple of months into starting the channel, I got a really cool opportunity. There is a band that I had done some modeling work for, I was on the cover of their album and they were like, "Hey, we would like you to be a backup dancer for our band because the album did really well. Like you're on the cover of the album." And I was like, "This is really cool." I can't dance, by the way.

Laura: I was just going to ask you.

Jessica: No. Cannot dance. But I was like, "When am I going to get this opportunity again? I should do it." And then I looked at my one-page miracle. I looked at this page of things that I said I wanted for my life, and guess what was not on there at all, in any capacity? Being a backup dancer to a band. That was just not on it. So, I was like,

OK. I turned it down. And I think that was the first time I ever said no to something, at least that I was excited about or sounded interesting. And so, that helped me stay focused. And I kept working on the channel. So, that one was really powerful.

(11:29) Jessica on social anxiety

Another one, like in terms of vulnerability, was the episode that I did on how to play the social game. I really struggled socially growing up, and I still have social anxiety now, and reading the research for that episode was so painful. That was the first time that I didn't put out a video on time, because it was so hard to read that research. I would read it with tears streaming down my cheeks because it explained so much.

And it, my childhood would have been so different if I had known that it wasn't that I wasn't good at socializing, it was that my brain had this neurodevelopmental delay and I just didn't have the executive function skills that my peers did. I didn't have the self-regulation abilities that my peers did, but I actually did really well with kids that were like a couple years younger than me and with adults.

And so, understanding that I just, there was a mismatch. It wasn't that I'm bad at people or I'm bad at socializing. There was just a mismatch between the level that I was on and ready for and the level that I was expected to be on, and if somebody had helped me level up, then I would have been OK. But I went my whole life thinking I was weird and not worth being friends with and different and like, just all of these, like, really uncomfortable things. And it killed my self-esteem. And if I had just known what these researchers in these labs had known, it would have been game-changing for me.

Laura: Did anything change around the time of the diagnosis, or did this continue?

Jessica: Well, something actually did change. The medication alone helped me feel a little bit more confident. It was empowering, and I think it also helped me with emotion regulation a bit, because I was able to start to socialize a little bit better. I noticed that I was a little bit more liked when my medication was helping me manage my symptoms, my impulsivity in particular. I think that was helpful, but a lot of the damage was still done. I still had a sense of not being enough, not being good enough. But the medication did help me feel more confident, and I was a little less shy, and I was a little bit more engaged with my peers.

Laura: So two things I'm noticing. Number one, now I get why you were surprised to hear me refer to you as cool.

Jessica: I was so dorky.

Laura: It blew my mind when you said that, though. Because you are, you're just, you're so, you got asked to be a backup dancer. And is there anything cooler? I don't think so. I've never been asked to be a backup dancer. And I actually some folks who have gone, like, deep into our field know that, like, my ultimate dream that will never, ever be fulfilled because I can't dance. I would love to be a hip-hop dancer. We should take dance classes.

Jessica: No, I love to dance. I just I'm so bad at it.

(14:09) Busting ADHD medication stigma

Laura: It's never going to happen professionally for me. Let's be real. What you were saying about medication making you feel more confident, I love that you put it that way. There's such a misconception about medication and that, like, it makes you high.

Jessica: I have never once felt high on my medication.

Laura: Yeah, never. It's like that feeling of normal. And it's like — maybe I'm projecting a little bit here — but like that feeling that, like, medication can help you feel like a normal human who still has challenges and ups and downs. And it's amazing that feeling like just baseline gives you confidence, right? That's not being high. That's just confidence.

Jessica: It's confidence. Yeah. It's like the medication that I take now I feel like it's kind of what probably neurotypical people feel after having their morning cup of coffee. Like I can feel it kick in. I can feel that I'm ready to start my day, but it just it feels like me. But, you know, it's a lot of trial and error.

Laura: Totally.

Jessica: I've tried totally many different types of medication over the years. Even now it's some trial and error, like in the postpartum period, I was telling one of the therapists that I was working with that "I'm having a really hard time, like I'm having these meltdowns and my partner and I are fighting." And I was telling her about a few incidents that happened, and she goes, "What time are these incidents happening?" And I was like, "Oh."

Laura: Is it at the wear-off time?

Jessica: Yep, yep. When my meds wore off. So, I was like, oh, you know what? I have a booster pill. Like I haven't been taking it because I haven't been working because I'm on maternity leave, but I'm going to go ahead and say that that might be a non-negotiable right now.

Laura: Yeah.

Jessica: Like, it's not a take if you need it because you've got work to do. It's a take it because you love your family and don't want to blow up your whole life situation.

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

Jessica: So, like even now I'm playing around with it. And personally I supplement with other things as well. Like I use workouts as well as meditation as well as my meds. Like a lot of times it can feel like this either or like, "Ooh, let's do it all natural and not treat our ADHD or like..."

Laura: Right.

Jessica: "Let's use meds and that's all you need." But for me and for a lot of people with ADHD, I think it's really you're looking for optimal treatment. And this was something that a doctor told me that really blew my mind, "The goal isn't to get off treatment. The goal is optimal treatment." And that's true for any condition. And that for me is a combination of meds but also yoga, also cardio, also meditation, like all of these things combined is what supports my brain to work at its best.

Laura: Also sleep.

Jessica: Oh my God. Yeah.

Jessica: Which, OK. How are you sleeping?

Jessica: You just said that to a new mom. How dare you?

Laura: I know, that was kind of mean. I know, I've been there.

Jessica: Oh my God. Immediately after giving birth, I was getting like, one and a half to two hours of sleep a night, and it was awful. It was so rough. Because, yeah, we know that sleep impacts executive function for anybody. But if you already have executive function challenges and you're not getting sleep, oh my God, like it was bad. It was really, really bad.

(16:52) ADHD and new motherhood

Jessica: One of the hardest things for me — I'm curious if this resonates with you as a new mom — I remember just, there's no that, not that I can think of, like experience that forces you to slow down more and like, just sit and be and give love and receive love and whatever, than having a newborn at home.

I couldn't get my brain to stop racing, right? I was so, I was like, I've have so many things I have to do. I've got to take care of this new baby and da da da da da da and all I wanted to do was be able to give in to that, like, quote, normal people can, but I just couldn't do it. It took me a really, eventually I got to it. It took a lot of work though, and it was like I was thinking about how I was going to think about it and it was just too much. So, yeah, I'm just curious if that resonates at all.

Jessica: With that I had a slightly different experience. I had spent months and months putting together this nursery, and it was this, like adorable, tiny place, and it was set up in a way that made sense to me. I had made it ADHD-friendly. I had made it baby-friendly. I had made it like emotion-regulation friendly, and it was so peaceful. I just remember feeling it was so peaceful and being able to sit with my daughter.

At one point with the postpartum depression, it got really bad. I think this is what maybe accelerated it for me. Something snapped in me at one point where I was so overwhelmed and so like, "I have to do everything. I have to take care of everyone" and even people who are in my house to support me and the baby, I still felt like I had to host. Logically, I knew that was ridiculous, but like, I still felt responsible for everybody's well-being around me and I still wanted to take care of everybody around me.

It finally, like broke me. I finally went, "You know what? This isn't OK." I hid in the nursery at one point, and I had pushed myself too far and pushed myself to my limit, and I just shut down. And I didn't want anything to do with anybody, including my daughter. And I went, "That's not a good thought," because I thought about what would happen if I just stopped taking care of everybody, including her. And it was like, "Well, she would suffer. Like that would be really bad for her." And in that moment, I didn't care. And I was like, "That's not OK. Like I need help."

And so, at that point, I texted my partner and I was like, "Can you bring me the baby?" And he did, and I just stared at her. I just remember staring at her for a couple of minutes, and I stared at her until I cared about her again. And at that point I went, "This is all that matters. If I'm not OK, she's not OK." And it was, just something clicked where I was like, I realized how important my well-being was, and it had never been important before. Everybody else's well-being had always been more important than mine.

But in that moment, I realized mine actually mattered. And so, I started protecting myself and my peace and my daughter. And it was just I got to be so selfish for a little bit.

And I got to sit and say, like, "I can't manage my ADHD for everybody else's well-being right now. I get that you want me to tell you when I'm going to be somewhere and then be there at that time, but I can't manage my time right now. Time management is incredibly difficult for me. It takes a lot out of me. I can't right now. I can't even regulate my speech. If you don't want to hear me muttering under my breath about everything I'm frustrated about right now, then you need to not be in the room."

I was essentially trying so hard my whole life to not let my ADHD spill out on everybody else, and in this moment I said, "I can't do that. I can only take care of my daughter and myself." And it was really, really tough on the people around me. My partner had a really hard time with it, but what ended up happening was he realized that he needed a higher level of care. He needed more support. I needed more support.

I ended up going to an intensive outpatient program where, by the way, like most people had ADHD, which was not at all surprising. We are at higher risk for PPD, but it was just nice to realize I could say my well-being matters. And while it shook everybody up for a minute, people adjusted. And so, now I'm still going, you know what? I'm not going to manage my ADHD perfectly at my expense. I think that's the key. Like, I'm going to do what I reasonably can, but I'm not going to kill myself so that I'm not inconveniencing somebody mildly.

Laura: You made me tear up a little bit. That, what a beautiful explanation of just like taking control.

Jessica: A lot of it was just accepting the disability, accepting that I have a limited capacity and I can't do all the things. So, I really do need to prioritize.

Jessica: Yeah. And accepting that you can't, like, care what everybody around you thinks all the time and to have that freedom to do so.

Jessica: Yeah. And I put warnings. I was like, OK, probably me just, you know, when people are in my space, just randomly telling them to go, do things to themselves is probably not very nice. So, I wrote out a nicer version and like, put it outside the door. And then there was a reminder inside the door.

Like basically, "Hey, if I'm in this space, I'm here to heal. If you're not here to support me with that, then I need you to leave." And even my partner would come in and he'd be like, "Oh, can I tell you about something that happened in therapy?" And I'm like, "Is this about me healing"? And he's like, "Well, it's about my healing." And I was like, "Then you need to wait until I'm not in the nursery because this is my space."

And it wasn't like the whole house, like, let me be selfish everywhere. It was this one space I had, this one physical space where I was allowed to prioritize myself and expect other people to prioritize my well-being, too. And then if I'm outside, then cool, I can host and I can do all the other things. But when I realized I was overextended, I had this place to go where I could refill my own cup, or other people could help me fill my cup.

And having a physical space was so powerful to me that like, seriously, I recommend it. You don't have to have a baby. I don't recommend having a baby just so you can do this. But having a space in your house where you're like, "This space is about me. If I'm in this space, then I don't want to hear you come to me and tell me why like it wasn't OK that I didn't take the trash. Like I just, I need a place where I can replenish and recharge, be myself fully without having to worry that it's not going to be OK for somebody else."

(22:49) Going back to work after maternity leave

Laura: You're working again now. So, how is that going?

Jessica: I...mistakes were made. I maybe, I try, again you don't know what it's going to be like until you're in it. And I'm trying to give myself grace there. But I intentionally tried to scaffold my return to work, so I was like, OK, I'm going to be on maternity leave for two months, and then I will do part-time maternity leave for two months, and I'll be back to work part-time, and then I will be back full time for two months. But I'll have a bit of a flexible schedule so that if I'm like, "I can't be away from my daughter," like I can drive home and take care of her and people aren't going to be like, "What?"

But what I, what I hadn't anticipated is how hard the transition would be if the transition keeps shifting. One of the things I do to manage my own ADHD is I have a routine, I have a schedule, and so it's not all resting on my executive function to know what to do when, because some of it's automatic. But right now nothing is automatic. It's all "What's happening today? What do I need to do? How do I prepare?"

And so, I'm forgetting to take my meds or I don't remember if I took my meds. And I'm double scheduling myself and I'm like, I'm forgetting things. And it's just, I haven't done this since I was a kid, I don't think, I ran into the house like five times going, "Wait, I forgot something else. Wait, I forgot something else, wait, I forgot something else." And my daughter is home with her nanny now. And so, I was just like, "OK, I'm going, and I was like..."

Laura: And then she's like, "Oh."

Jessica: "I forgot my dog, I forgot my lunch, I forgot my..." like, and I keep running in and out of the house and I'm just like, so grateful that she also has ADHD and gets it.

Laura: The nanny also has ADHD?

Jessica: Yeah, yeah, which is fantastic. So, it's been a case of like maybe I over-scaffolded. Like I think it actually would have been easier for me to just be on maternity leave full time and then go back to work full time because then that's one transition. The scaffolding was nice in theory, but it was just too many transitions.

Laura: You've built up so many great ADHD strategies. You know, you're just probably like, "I got to try them all out. Let's try them all out. This is the time".

Jessica: Yes. Which I also learned that that can be a problem. Sometimes having too many strategies or using too many strategies can also be a problem because anytime you implement a new strategy, you are shifting into what I call manual mode. You're actually making it at least temporarily harder on your executive function. So, even if using this new system or any strategy will be helpful in the long run, at first it is going to make things harder.

So, if we keep trying new systems and going "Well, that didn't work. It was hard." Yes, of course, it was because you were in manual mode. You want to be doing the same system long enough that it becomes automatic, preferably before introducing a new system or strategy or change or whatever. So, the whole experience that I had with this really rough transition into parenthood and how if we end up in manual mode, it really throws us off, has inspired my next book.

Laura: Ah!

Jessica: Yeah. So, book number two, I forget the subtitle because I'm all over the place right now, but the main title is "Life Changing." I want to talk about how we can successfully navigate big life changes when we have ADHD, because I think those are the spots where we really sink or swim.

Laura: Have you shared this? Am I able to say "You heard it here first, folks" or no?

Jessica: I have not shared it publicly. You have heard it here first.

(26:01) Laura's rapid-fire questions

Laura: Yes, we're not usually breaking news on "ADHD Aha!", but you know, we are now, Jessica, can I ask you some rapid-fire questions? Just like...

Jessica: Yeah.

Laura: You're a content creator, we're going to juice this content, alright?

Jessica: Let's do it.

Laura: What is your most hated ADHD myth or stigma?

Jessica: Oh, God. I mean, the whole idea that it's not real. I just, invisible does not mean imaginary. You guys, we're not making this up. We have these struggles. They exist. The fact that you can't point to them or put your finger on them does not make them any less real.

Laura: One of my questions was going to be, what do you say when people say ADHD isn't real? And I think you just answered that.

Jessica: I mean, at this point I like, it just stares in confusion. And actually, somebody on my channel once said in a comment like, Tthis is stupid. ADHD isn't real." You know, it just like was really angry and mean and then later came back, like years later, wrote me another comment, he was like, "Hey, I'm really sorry that I said that."

Laura: Oh wow.

Jessica: Because I actually have been diagnosed with ADHD and I just wasn't ready to accept it yet. But your videos have been really helpful in helping me understand. And I was like, you know what? This is why I'm glad I wasn't an asshole.

Laura: Yeah.

Jessica: Like, I'm glad I wasn't horrible to this person for saying that, because I think everybody's in a different point in their journey, and sometimes the people pushing hardest against it are the people who might be dealing with it themselves and just don't want to face it.

Laura: Yeah, OK. Pandemic, pandemic ADHD learnings.

Jessica: It was, it was rough. My mom died during the pandemic and...

Laura: Oh my God.

Jessica: That was really tough because what I learned, I guess, during the pandemic is grief and ADHD. So, now I'm dealing with like being a mom and postpartum and ADHD. But then it was grief and ADHD, and it was really a wild experience because I remember sitting down to crochet something and I couldn't remember the next step, like my brain just shut down. So much processing has to happen when you lose somebody, especially if it's somebody very close to you, that there was like no processing power left for anything else.

I was basically nonfunctional for a long time, and it was really, really tough because I built my life around having a certain level of function and all my tools and working and stuff, but my tools not working anymore. My brain wasn't at the same place. These tools were custom-designed and picked for me to support the brain that I was working with, and my brain wasn't working like that anymore. And so, that was super tough.

Laura: Yeah. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Any words of advice for folks out there who are coping with grief and also have ADHD?

Jessica: I mean, get support. I ended up going to a grief and trauma counselor that was really, really helpful for me and helping me learn how to sit with the feelings, because I think, like a lot of people with ADHD, I had learned to outrun them. I learned to outrun any uncomfortable feeling or distract myself or whatever. And for the first time, I couldn't. I had to face it. And so, one of the things I had to learn was, how do I sit with big emotions?

She taught me what to do, and this was actually kind of a cool thing that was specific to ADHD. I realized that I do have these big, big feelings. You know, emotion dysregulation is a big aspect of ADHD, but so is our imagination.

And so I got to visualize. This counselor asked me to visualize "What does your grief look like?" And I remember visualizing it in my head. And it was like, you know, these colorful glass tubes were like in and around my heart, and usually they lay dormant. But then it was like something would trigger it, and it was like the whole system would light up and it would squeeze my heart and it would hurt. And she was like, "Cool, sit with that."

And I remember imagining picking up one of these glass tubes and holding it and just sitting with it, and then eventually like maybe ten, 20 minutes in it felt like it shattered into glass glitter and just like, shattered and fell down and I felt lighter. I felt less emotional. And it was the first time, I think, that I'd ever been told, it's OK to just sit and feel your feelings because I think a lot of us grow up being told that you're not supposed to feel this way, or that you're exaggerating, or that you're, you know you're too much or you're being too sensitive or whatever.

But being able to sit with my feelings and validate that they existed and just sit with them long enough that they faded, I didn't know that that was a thing that you could do. I'd just been playing Whac-a-mole with my feelings like, "Go away, go away, go away," or try to outrun them. And I didn't realize if you sit with them, they actually fade. You don't have to run from them. So, that was really powerful.

Laura: That's gorgeous. Really gorgeous imagery. And then I think maybe the last question, you have such a huge engaged community, you must get so many audience comments, male etc. like what are the biggest challenges or changes or trends that you're noticing from your community? Like what are you interested in exploring? What are you hearing from them? All of that?

Jessica: Well, at first it was just being able to talk about it. It was so hard for people to even talk about their ADHD, and they were so relieved to find a place where they could be open about it, because everybody else in the comments was being open about it, and it was like they had permission for the first time to share this thing that they had been hiding or masking. But what's really cool is I'm realizing we now live in a world where that's not the case anymore. People are speaking openly about their ADHD.

I hear conversations, I go out to a restaurant and I just overhear people casually talking about their ADHD and not caring who hears, and it's so cool. But I think now it's more people are grappling with like, just what to do with that information. Like how much help do I ask for? And like, at what point am I using it as an excuse? I think a lot of people are grappling with that.

And to that I say there's a difference between an explanation and an excuse. And the example I use is I'm short. I could be like, "I'm short, I can't reach the thing on the top shelf you want me to reach because I'm short" and that's an excuse. But if I'm like, "I'm short. If you would like for you to reach that thing on the top shelf, I'm going to need a step stool," That's an explanation. Like, why can't you reach the thing on the top shelf? Because I'm short. That's not going to stop me from trying to do it. I'm just letting you know it's going to be harder, or I'm going to need tools to be able to do it.

(31:49) Jessica's parting words

Laura: Jessica McCabe, is there anything else that you would like to share before we sign off here? It's just so exciting to have you here.

Jessica: Yeah, actually, there's another really exciting thing. So, "How To ADHD" — the book — "An Insider's Guide to Working with Your Brain (Not Against It)" now we're going to be coming out with a young readers version. And I'm really excited for that.

Laura: Oh!

Jessica: For like 10 to 14-year-olds, I think. So, that'll be really neat. If you are listening and you have a kid you'd like to participate on HowToADHD.com or HowToADHDBook.com, it's not there yet, but we'll have a link if you'd like to participate and have your kid maybe contribute quotes or questions that they would like to have answered. It's a really cool, exciting project, so I'm super excited about that.

Laura: Is that a "you heard it here first" as well?

Jessica: That is, yeah. I'm just telling you all the things.

Laura: Two of them. What a treat. We're so lucky. Jessica McCabe, thank you so much for being here today. I hope to have you back again, you know, another time. I have a whole list of questions in my Google doc that we can maybe get to another time, but this has been amazing. I'm really grateful that you came on the show today. Thank you.

Jessica: I'm so glad. The ADHD "aha" thing is just, there's so many, so many things that we're like, "Wait, what? This is why?" And it's such a cool shared experience. And I'm sure everybody's "ahas" are different. So, it's cool to be able to share some of the "ahas" I've had as a new mom.

Laura: Well, a lot of people's "ahas" involve you once again. So, thanks again, and I hope you get some sleep tonight!

Jessica: Thank you, I appreciate that.

Laura: Thanks for listening. As always, if you want to share your own "aha" moment, email us at ADHDA@understood.org. I'd love to hear from you. Be sure to check out the show notes for this episode. We have more resources and links to anything we mentioned.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give. "ADHD Aha!" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli. Jessamine, are you there?

Jessamine: Hi everyone. I'm still here.

Laura: And Margie DeSantis.

Margie: Hey, hey.

Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ilana Millner is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Creative and production leadership from Scott Cocchiere and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Laura Key. Thanks so much for listening.