Trouble dealing with criticism can be more than kids just being “thin-skinned.”
Even mild comments can seem harsh to kids who are struggling with something.
Even the most minor comment can seem crushing when kids are trying to build new skills. Imagine you’re a kid picking what clothes to wear. You show someone, and they say, “Maybe not that shirt with those pants.” But all you hear is, “You’re not good at this clothes stuff.”
Kids develop at different rates. This includes learning how to handle criticism. Some kids just need more time to learn how to respond to it. But some kids continue to struggle with it, for various reasons.
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Kids are likely to overreact when they’re hungry or tired, or when they’re trying out a new skill.
Kids also tend to overreact when someone questions the choices they make. For example, choices that involve how they look or who they’re friends with. This happens a lot in middle and high school.
It’s also common for kids to go through phases of wanting everything to be perfect. If you set out to draw the perfect caterpillar, you might get upset if the person you show it to says, “Oh, I thought it was a balloon.”
There’s another reason kids might overreact to criticism. They might have trouble with self-control, social skills, or managing emotions.
Kids may also be hypersensitive when they’re struggling with a skill. Do they seem to overreact when you comment on something related to reading or writing? If so, that’s something to keep an eye on. Maybe they’re having a hard time with those specific skills.
Or they may be frustrated with school in general. Even the mildest criticism can seem harsh if you feel like you can’t do anything right.
It happens a lot in life. A parent or caregiver, or even a teacher may think they haven’t said anything that’s hugely critical. But then a child erupts like they’ve just been told the harshest thing in the world.
This can look different as kids get older. Here are things you might see at different ages:
Get upset even when they aren’t criticized directly, like “That’s not your toy”
Take criticism about something specific they did (“You spelled a word wrong”) and blow it up into a much bigger statement about themselves overall (“I’m a bad student”)
Fall apart after positively worded suggestions or friendly coaching tips, like “When you’re swinging the bat, try to keep your hands up higher”
See mild comments about their appearance as rude or mean, like “Did you brush your hair?”
Lose their cool when they’re told what to do, even if it’s a reminder like “It’s time to take out the trash”
Behaviors like these can be more than kids just being “thin-skinned.” Keep an eye on what you’re seeing. Use this frustration log to track what you see and when.
Here are ways to help kids get better at responding to criticism.
Be specific. Comment on the action rather than the child. Be specific in how you praise as well as how you criticize. (Find out how to give praise that builds self-esteem.)
Be realistic. Think about what you’re expecting a child to do. Is it something most kids that age can do? Sometimes there’s a mismatch between our expectations and a child’s abilities.
Try to explain. If you said something that upset a child, find a time to talk about it. Say “I want to help you. Here’s what I meant.” If your talk is going well, you can ask questions like this: “If I say ______, does that feel mean to you?”
Understanding a child’s thinking can help you figure out what’s happening and how to word things next time.
Look for patterns. Keep track of situations that lead to overreactions. Look for patterns in your behavior, too. Are you more likely to comment when a child does something wrong or when a child does something right? Try to praise much more than you criticize.
If there are concerns about how kids deal with criticism, caregivers and teachers should connect. Talk about how the child is doing with self-control. It’s common for kids who struggle with impulsivity to overreact to criticism.
