How to give praise that builds kids’ self-esteem

The project you’re looking at is good, but you know that more effort could have gone into it.

“That’s a great start.”

“How do you like it?”

“Do you think it’s your best effort?”

This approach helps kids reflect on whether their work measures up to their expectations. It also asks them to consider how hard they worked and whether they’re proud of the effort they put in.

They did something well, but are downplaying it.

“You may not think it’s a big deal, but it was kind of you to stick up for your friend.”

“It sounds like you’re proud. What about this makes you feel that way?”

This approach points out what you think is worthy of praise and what you value. It also asks kids to think about what they’re proud of and what they value.

You know they worked hard but still didn’t meet the goal.

“I’m sorry you didn’t quite make it to your goal. You got close! Do you feel like you can do it the next time?”

“It’s nice that you enjoyed the books you did read, even though reading can be hard for you.”

This approach asks kids to reflect on what worked, not just what needs improvement. It also helps kids learn to be OK with doing things they like to do, but aren’t great at.

They aced a test—and know it.

“I’d love to know how you did it! What strategies did you use?”

“Wow, I can see why you’re excited. You worked really hard.”

This approach reminds kids that consistently doing something well takes effort — even if they didn’t doubt they could do it. It asks kids to look at what they did that led to success. And it helps them acknowledge and take pride in their effort and success.

They behaved according to the expectations you talked about ahead of time.

“Thank you for listening/following the rules. I know it took hard work to do that.”

This approach gives kids specific feedback they can directly match to the expectations. It also helps them pay attention to how they’re measuring up to what’s expected of them.