Why kids have trouble listening

One of the most frustrating parts of parenting is when your child won’t listen to you. It can be difficult to tell the difference between when your child is ignoring you and when they can’t pay attention to you.

If reading this is already stressing you out, take a deep breath — this episode is here to help. 

On this episode of Parenting Behavior, Dr. Andy Kahn will explain the many possible reasons why your child may have difficulties with listening or understanding. And he’ll go over some ways you can help.

Timestamps

• (0:52) Anxiety, fear, and emotional distractions

• (4:29) Focus and attention issues 

• (5:48) What does “developmental” really mean? 

• (7:51) Understanding your child’s comprehension challenges

• (9:50) When to use consequences and punishments

We’d love to hear from you. You can email us at ParentingBehavior@understood.org.

Related resources

• Why some kids don’t listen

• How I got my child to listen (without yelling)

• Trouble with receptive language: What you’re seeing

• Understanding why kids have trouble with focus   

Episode transcript

Andy: One of the most frustrating parts of parenting is when your child won't listen to you. The difference between when your child is ignoring you, or when they can't pay attention to you, is something that's hard to decode.

If this episode's already stressing you out, take a deep breath. Go grab a cup of coffee. We're going to figure this out together. The goal here today is to put you on the road to understanding why your kids don't listen, and what you can do about it.

This is "Parenting Behavior" with me, your host, Doctor Andy Kahn. I'm a parent and licensed psychologist with over 20 years experience helping families manage behavior. Today in this episode, we're going to talk about why kids don't listen and what we can do to help them.

(0:52) Anxiety, fear, and emotional distractions

Anxiety can interrupt what a child is paying attention to because they have a lot of other things going on in their head. Limited attention and concentration can be a factor. Thinking about things like limited understanding of the situation and maybe what it is you're actually trying to tell your child.

One of the keys for us today is trying to navigate, what's a little complicated, figuring out which of these things might be in play for you and your child. One of the keys here is thinking about being a scientist. Now, let me explain. Obviously, I'm not going to get you a white coat and put the glasses on you, but the idea of being a scientist is important because I want parents to be thinking about: How do you observe your child in a way that helps you figure out what's going on?

You see, scientists don't always study their own kids because obviously would make them feel pretty nutty. The idea that your kids can bring out big emotions is an important factor. But if you can look at what your child is doing objectively, pay attention to what's happening in each key moment, you may be able to get better data, and then from that data, you can make more educated guesses about what's happening, which is really one of our big goals.

Yeah, it's going to be hard. Give yourselves a little bit of grace. You're going to navigate this over time, but it's going to take a little bit of intention. So, let's think about what could really trigger here as a scientist observing what's going on in your child's day-to-day life. Is your child struggling to listen to you? Because perhaps that morning they've got a test they're going in for, or they've got some tension with a friend.

The idea around this is you got to be willing to ask yourself: What's going on in our life as a family right now, or what's going on for my child? Don't be afraid to ask your child, is there something going on with them? They may actually be able to tell you quite clearly what's happening.

And again, be aware, you may be surprised. Your children may be very aware of some of the tensions and things going on in your life. If there's a financial or work issue, something that's making you stressed, kids are pretty astute and pick up on those things. Finally, big emotions can really weigh on kids and that can really navigate its way into your family relationships, particularly how your kids are listening to you.

All right. So, we're going to talk a little bit about fear. Why? Because fear and anxiety are naturally occurring things in the human body. And fear is an important experience because fear is what helps us stay alive. Sure, we don't have the same amount of dangers today as we did thousands of years ago. But if your child is afraid of something, whether it's real or perceived, that child is going to struggle to pay attention to you and the things you're asking them to do. So, why is that?

Well, the body is wired to focus on what's going on in the environment. That could be dangerous. And if your child is scanning an environment instead of listening to you, they're actually doing a really good job staying alive or avoiding something they're afraid of. Not so much in helping you get the thing done that you're asking them to do.

Now here's one of the wild cards: Trauma. If your child's been exposed to trauma, a lot of the things we're talking about here are going to change. Why is that? Well, trauma is when a child has been exposed to something that is either threatening to their health or threatening to their safety in their environment. Children who've been traumatized are going to be hypervigilant.

Hypervigilance is when the brain's sensitivity is turned way up so that it can pay attention to a lot of little details in the environment. Because of that, they're scanning to look for things in their environment that can keep them safe or things to avoid. So you, not very high on their list in that situation. Trauma is a really big wild card, so keep that in mind, and if your child has been exposed to trauma, consider them getting some support through counseling or other mental health supports.

Finally, when we think about why trauma interrupts things, you're not going to be top of their list. They're going to be looking at things in the environment to keep them safe first.

(4:29) Focus and attention issues

So, let's talk about focus and attention issues. These are wild cards that can make it extremely hard for your child to listen to you. If you think about the idea of what's going on in your environment, how noisy is the environment? Are there smells of food? Are there lots of people moving around? So, what are we imagining here? Going to places of worship, going to the mall, or going to a restaurant. These are places where your kids listening skills are likely to be really, really interrupted and they're going to be distracted.

So, here's another wild card: What if your child is ADHD? As someone with ADHD myself, my sensitivity to my environment and the things that I'm paying attention to might not be obvious to someone who doesn't have ADHD. So as a parent, you might think "This is a pretty calm and relaxing place," but your kid is picking up on a lot of things in the environment that makes it hard for them to listen to you.

Think about the idea of: How do you navigate that environment with your child? Some of the simplest ways to do that is to think about breaking down tasks into small parts. Speak simply, share less information at a time, and then check back for comprehension.

Are they understanding what you're sharing with them in that moment? And obviously, really just making sure "Did you hear me in that moment?" And seeing for comprehension "Can you repeat back what I just said?" This is super important to making sure that attention is shared and your child has a chance to listen to you.

(5:48) What does "developmental" really mean?

All right. So, let's talk about some psychobabble here. When someone says to you, "Oh it's developmental," what does that really mean? So, when someone says "It's developmental," what we're really talking about is how ready is that brain to do the activities that they're being asked to. So, if a child who's three years old is being asked to do a five-step activity, well, we're going to think, "Well, that's silly." That little young brain hasn't developed those skills yet to do that.

Developmental things are things that unfold in the human brain that give us greater and greater capacities of the ability to do things as we get older. And as parents, we often forget this and fall into traps.

So, I'll give you an example. As a parent, if you have, let's say, just an only child, and your child is 7 or 8 years old, you may have a lot of conversations with your child in the home that seem a lot like talking to another adult. You may not really be aware that your child may not understand all the details of what you're sharing, because you're so accustomed to those kind of communications.

Where that really comes home to roost is when you give your child an instruction to do things that come across as too complicated. Then you forget, "Well, wait a second. My kid's seven. I need to break these things down and make them simpler." Some of the other things to think about is making sure that whenever you give instructions to a child, you keep them simple. You check for comprehension. You can see there's a theme here, right?

OK, the other part of this is that it may look to you like your child is listening to you and like they comprehend. So, they're giving you those great nonverbal signals. They look at you, they nod, they smile. Well, I give you a little preview here. As a kid, I learned that skill really early, and most of that was there to protect me because I didn't want to be called out in class on things I didn't understand, or I didn't really want to get the ire of my parents when they didn't really understand what was going on, because if I was ignoring them and looking around, that got me in a lot more trouble.

You have to check in with your child to make sure that they understand what you're saying. Kids who've learned that good social skill of faking like they know is great developmentally in a group, or in situations where they're trying to figure things out. Not so great when you're trying to get your child to do an activity that you need them to do.

(7:51) Understanding your child’s comprehension challenges

So, let me give you a call out here on what kids actually understand. And we're going to base this on some speech and language stuff, OK? Expressive and receptive language disorders. When a child is struggling to understand what you're sharing with them in words, this is called receptive language challenges.

A speech and language pathologist can evaluate this. And if you notice your child is bright and they're capable, but sometimes they're really struggling to understand the words you're using, this may be a signal that may be a good time to get an evaluation.

We also see this in how they express themselves, meaning they have ideas and thoughts, and they struggle to get them out in words. And it can be very frustrating for your kids. Getting evaluations through a speech and language pathologist can be super helpful. And sometimes it's the cause for why kids aren't doing the things you ask them to do. But let's talk about learning and thinking differences. Things like ADHD and dyslexia.

Kids with learning and thinking differences very often have differences in how they comprehend and do daily tasks. And again I'm going to bring out the term, some of this is developmental. So, if your nine-year-old child has a learning and thinking difference, they might actually comprehend and act like a six-year-old in certain times. And this is something that's again another trap for parents.

When your nine-year-old is looking at you and you think "They must get this" and you forget they've got a learning and thinking difference. They're only comprehending at a six-year-old level or a seven-year-old level. This can be really challenging at times. So, if your child has some differences, try to process that into how you observe their day-to-day behavior.

The other thing you have to think about is that when your child has a learning and thinking difference, you need to consider what are the scripts for how you're going to advise them. Are there ways that you're going to consistently give them advice that help them navigate the situation? Keeping it simple, keeping your answers brief, and giving them the opportunity to show that they understand.

This is really important. And part of this script is also keeping yourself calm and understanding how you communicate to your child. Super important and having them listen to you.

(9:50) When to use consequences and punishments

So, let's talk about some watch-outs and tips here. One of the big traps for us as parents is the idea of when we give consequences and punishments to our kids. If we're finding ourselves giving consequences, raising our voices, and being engaged in battle with our children all the time, we have to ask: What can we do differently?

The first step here in being more successful is thinking about: Have I done anything differently when I've made these requests? Did I make them simpler? Did I give my child an opportunity to break the task down? And some other strategies, things like: Can I make it visual? Can I write it out or make pictures to show my child what I expect and in what way?

Using those strategies are great ways of knowing, "OK, have I given my child every opportunity before I take something away and before I give them a punishment?" It is so hard sometimes when you fall into these traps because you know what? You don't have a lot of time to get them to do that task. You're late for work, you've got other things going on, but until you shape and craft your strategies, giving a consequence doesn't make a lot of sense. And it's tough. I've been there.

Parenting strategies are tough to come by because we parent with emotion at times. Create your strategies, use them first, then you can decide on consequences. It's tough, but we can manage this. I know we can.

One of the things I always like to share with my clients in therapy is the idea that every time we run into a challenge, every challenge is an opportunity or it gives us the basis for a lesson. And I often feel like, you know, I'm training scientists and I work with parents. The idea for parents is that thinking about some very specific tips for them, first and foremost: Is there anything that you can do to say what you're saying simpler? Can you make the word simpler? Can you break things down?

There is no crime or shame in going to the internet and grabbing a thesaurus and saying, "OK, are there simpler words for what I'm saying? Can you come in calmer? Can you bring your voice down? Can you chill your body out and take a deep breath? What you say, how you say it, all have a huge impact on how your child hears the words that you're saying to them.

And finally thinking about: How can you break the patterns of your behavior in order to help your child find a new way through to listen to you and be more successful? Every instance of your child not listening is an opportunity, a lesson for you to try something new. It's not going to be easy, but there are a lot of strategies here we've talked about today that you can try to use.

Thanks for listening to this episode of "Parenting Behavior with Dr. Andy Kahn." We'd love to hear from you if you have any thoughts on the show. You can email us at ParentingBehavior@understood.org. I'll put that email in the show notes too, where you can also find more resources and links to anything we mentioned.

"Parenting Behavior with Dr. Andy Kahn" is brought to you by Understood.org. It's produced and edited by Cody Nelson. Editorial guidance by Rae Jacobson. Music and mixing by Justin D. Wright. Ilana Millner is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

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