5 tips to get ready for the holidays

For parents, the happiest time of the year can also be the most stressful. 

Busy parties. Strange foods served to picky eaters. The dread of worrying how your child will respond if they don’t like the sweater grandma gave them. 

On this episode of Parenting Behavior, host Dr. Andy Kahn and guest Dr. Karen Wilson share five key tips to prepare your family for the holiday season. 

Karen is a clinical neuropsychologist and, like Andy, a parent. So, get ready for tips that come from a mix of professional expertise and real-life parenting. 

We’d love to hear from you. You can email us at ParentingBehavior@understood.org.

Related resources

• How to make the holidays more fun for your child 

• 16 holiday survival tips for kids with ADHD 

• Understood Assistant 

Timestamps

(00:55) What makes the holidays so hard? 

(02:45) Tip #1: Prepare yourself for stress

(03:59) Tip #2: Set up your child for success

(06:35) Tip #3: Create a schedule that works for you

(09:04) Tip #4: How to teach your child to accept gifts

(11:31) Tip #5: Plan ahead for picky eaters

Episode transcript

Andy: Parents, the holiday season is fast approaching. And I know that for many of us, the happiest time of year can also be the most stressful. This is "Parenting Behavior," and I'm your host, Dr. Andy Kahn. I'm a parent and licensed psychologist with over 20 years of experience helping families manage behavioral challenges.

I'm not in my usual studio today. I'm at home in my home office. And that's because we wanted to get together with a special guest today ahead of the holiday season. Dr. Karen Wilson is a clinical neuropsychologist, a parent, and a podcast host. She's also been helping us out behind the scenes here at "Parenting Behavior." And I'm so glad to have her here on the microphone today.

Karen, welcome. Thank you so much for joining us today.

Karen: Thank you so much for having me. I'm glad to be here.

(00:55) What makes the holidays so hard?

Andy: So, we're going to talk today about our top five ways to prepare for the challenges and stresses of the holiday season. And first and foremost, we really want to figure out, so why are the holidays so hard? Let's talk about what can be so stressful, especially for families with neurodivergent kids. Karen, what are some of the things you've noticed with families that you talk to?

Karen: Well, one of the things that I've noticed is that when during the holidays, families are outside of their routine, right? They don't have the structure of school and work, kids are home, and they've got a number of activities that they are doing that they would not normally do during, you know, traditional times. And so, they often feel that they are pulled in a number of different directions. The structure of their home is not this, as it was before, and they have to make decisions on what they want to do during that time.

Andy: Yeah, those are such important pieces, you know, and I, I think things that, that come into play like, you know, big gatherings and the sensory overload that comes into play. This is just something as simple as, "Oh we got a new holiday sweater for you," right? And the kids are just just crawling out of their skin.

Karen: Absolutely.

Andy: Yeah. And things like family dynamics. And it can affect all of us, but particularly tough on kids with ADHD.

Karen: Absolutely. And I think it's an exciting time, but it's also a time that can be very overwhelming to families who have kiddos with ADHD or neurodivergent in other ways. And I think it's important to normalize that feeling of being overwhelmed. Even though we want to feel excited about the holidays and we want to celebrate and spend that time with family, there are also feelings of being overwhelmed.

And I think it's so important for parents to recognize their own emotions and give themselves permission to reset expectations during this time.

(02:45) Tip #1: Prepare yourself for stress

Andy: So, as parents are getting ready to try to manage these tough situations, what can they do to help reframe it for themselves or manage their emotions?

Karen: I think one of the things they can do is really be aware of their own expectations and realize that a lot of the feelings that they're having of overwhelm and anxiety is kind of what we call anticipatory anxiety. They're anticipating that this is going to be hard. You know, they're anticipating "My child is probably going to have a meltdown at this family gathering" because, again, like you were saying, sensory overload. They're out of their comfort zone. And so they're anticipating all of those things.

And one of the best ways to deal with this kind of anticipatory anxiety is to plan in advance. And I think the other thing that parents do is to kind of, they think about their own traditions as, you know, growing up their own childhood holiday traditions.

And I think it's important for them to also kind of adapt those traditions and maybe let go of some of the traditions that they had as a child and create new traditions, create new traditions, keeping their child and their children in mind and making sure that those new traditions address and account for their child's unique needs.

(03:59) Tip #2: Set up your child for success

Andy: Yeah, that's so on point. You know, and I think part of this is parents setting their expectations that they're not going to have this perfect event. But more along the lines of "I know that my child reacts to things this way."

Karen: Right.

Andy: "What can I do to help sort of create sort of an escape or an opportunity to plan for those events rather than just saying, 'Oh gosh, when is it happening?' And just sort of waiting for that other shoe to drop?"

Karen: Yes, absolutely. When I think about planning, there are so many things that parents can do when they know what is coming up. And I think one of the things is to prepare your child for, you know, this party that you're going to go to or family members coming to your home. You know, let them know what to expect, who is going to be there, what is going to happen. That is also part of the planning. So, it kind of lowers the anxiety level for your child when they know what to expect.

The other thing that's important to note is that your child may need that exit plan. You know, you may need that exit plan. And so, having that established beforehand is so important. I think it's important to take your child's temperature and to kind of guide them into having some self-reflection.

So, you might have a system like a green, yellow, and red. Green as everything is calm, yellow is that the anxiety is starting to rise, and red is I need to, you know, remove myself from this environment and I might need to take a break.

And so, kind of checking in with your child, having that system in place, and having an exit plan. I think it's also important to have all the tools that you need at your disposal. So, keep in mind what your child might need. Is it noise-cancelation headphones? Is it a weighted blanket to kind of help them calm down? Is it a stuffy? Is it something that they are comfortable kind of holding in their hands or looking at to kind? To help them calm themselves down. Having those tools available to you are also very important during those times.

Andy: The other part that some parents don't really think about in advance is the overwhelm around good stuff: gifts, sweets, excitement, fun, and activities that can lead to all kinds of dysregulation in our kids. So, I think that, you know, being prepared for that in terms of, as you said, those self-regulation activities both for when they're uncomfortable or when they're starting to ramp up.

But either way, this preparation of your kids setting expectations, exit plan, bringing your skills activities, and having opportunities to protect the experience of other family members, I think that's really great advice.

(06:35) Tip #3: Create a schedule that works for you

Karen: Right. And the other thing I'm thinking about, and I often tell parents, is that you don't have to say yes to every event, right? This is a time when there are lots of invitations that come to families and they are the ones who can make the decisions on the things that they want to go to.

They can decline invitations, and that can often be very helpful because you're communicating boundaries for your family. You know what your children can handle, what you as a family can handle. And you want to minimize the stress as much as you can.

And so, again, it comes back to, you know, do you have to follow all of the traditions that you did, you know, when you were a child, do you have to go to every single family gathering? Or is it more important to make sure that you're keeping your child and your family's needs in mind and limiting the things that you do right during that time?

I often think of kind of the social events around the holidays, kind of like apps on a phone. Like when you have all of those tabs open, it kind of drains your battery more quickly. And so, if you just keep 1 or 2, you know, the two main events, maybe it's Grandma's dinner and something else that you're having at your home, then that might be enough, right?

Andy: Totally. Totally. And, you know, I think this is such an important point, is that we keep in mind that one of the big themes around the holidays is that we often feel this obligation. And with that comes guilt. That we must attend everything. We must...an invitation is an obligation and not an opportunity. And I think that so much of this for families is, as you said, picking and choosing within reason.

And there's another great alternative which is taking into account, sometimes using at limited time we know that we have to have these events within these certain days or these certain hours is something that locks us into unreasonable expectations. So, one of my favorite strategies are those early January get-togethers on the weekends where maybe we have another party that's holiday-themed and we give things that are a little bit more geared towards things that our kids would like.

And taking away some of the pressure. And to be honest, it's pretty nice when you can go out and get those after-holiday deals and get maybe some of those special foods or even gifts that allow you to say, you know what? I have the flexibility to spread out these experiences across days and weeks so that I can almost like how much of a dosage of these activities can my family handle. And I think that's a really awesome way to approach this, to navigate that.

Karen: Absolutely.

(09:04) Tip #4: How to teach your child to accept gifts

Andy: One of the things that can be really, really difficult at times is the experience of gift-giving. You know, many holiday traditions, depending upon your faith or what you celebrate, kids are getting gifts or giving gifts, but they're not always the most gracious in this activity if they don't love what they're getting.

Karen: That is true.

Andy: We're going around the table and people are taking turns opening gifts. How do you help kids navigate the expectations and gift-giving situations, and what might you advise them to do to make that a little bit more of a manageable situation?

Karen: That is so important. And it comes up so often for so many families. And one of the things I often tell parents is that it's important to emphasize gratitude over enthusiasm, right? Because some of those gifts kids are just not going to be enthusiastic about. And for some of our neurodivergent learners, it's hard for them to put themselves in other people's shoes. And so. They may not understand the giver's perspective, right?

And so, you might have to help kids shift their focus from the gift itself to the kindness behind it. And that may come from practicing. You know, you're going to get this gift or you're going to get a gift. It may not be something that you want, but let's practice just being grateful. Let's practice saying "Thank you." What is a good response when someone gives you something?

And remind them of, you know, the givers perspective. Again, they gave it to you because they really wanted to do something nice. They went to the store and they picked out something for you. They took time out of their day. And again, just showing that gratitude. You know, what's a great thing to say to, you know, grandma when she gives you that gift? Thank you. Thank you for thinking of me. They can actually practice some of those responses and they can feel confident behind it.

Andy: Yeah, those are such great pieces of advice. And I think, you know, for some families, it's also about the emphasis. You know, if you think back as an adult and I think back on holiday gifts, I can remember a lot more of the activities that we did that I loved more so than the specific gifts.

And I think sometimes for families, a shifting emphasis on having kids involved in the planning of events, picking activities that are high interest, high engagement for them, and then planning for success so that we take away and lower the stakes a little bit on the gift giving side, because it's a little, that's a part that for some of us as parents can be really challenging.

(11:31) Tip #5: Plan ahead for picky eaters

You know, another big part of holiday celebrations are food, right?

Karen: Yes.

Andy: And, you know, I think of like, I think probably of food and activities first, maybe because of my age and I like food so much.

Karen: I do too.

Andy: Imagine bringing your child into these situations or these big spreads of like charcuterie plates and odd meats and your aunt's beautiful, dense 25-pound fruitcake that she insists your child samples, eats, and shows the enjoyment right in front of them. Food can result in tons of different challenges: navigating picky eating, sensory issues. Do you have any ideas or workarounds that we can share with our listeners and that you share with parents you work with to navigate this?

Karen: Absolutely. I think it comes back to planning, planning ahead of time, and even letting hosts know about your child's food sensitivities. I mean, people are more than happy to tell hosts about allergies and things like that. I think sensitivities are right up there and alerting your hosts to your child's food sensitivities and, you know, any dietary restrictions ahead of time can be very helpful.

And maybe offering to bring a dish or a food that you know, that your child will enjoy. And the other thing parents can do, and I always say is bring snacks, bring snacks, bring foods that your child will eat, that they're OK eating, that they feel comfortable with. That's another way to kind of plan in advance to know. And what that does is it allows your child to enjoy the experience and also feel comfortable that they're going to have foods that they can enjoy.

Andy: So, you know, before we go, I really want to say that if folks have any more questions about these topics that we didn't answer today, feel free to go to the Understood Assistant. It is our AI-powered chat tool and it's vetted by experts and it draws on information directly from Understood.org. So, we've got great resources and can help you get information if we haven't covered a topic that you're interested in.

Karen, I want to thank you so much for being here. I just can't thank you enough for all your great support and the information you're sharing with our families.

Karen: Thank you so much for having me. It's been a pleasure.

Andy: Thanks for listening to this episode of "Parenting Behavior with Dr. Andy Kahn." We'd love to hear from you if you have any thoughts on the show. You can email us at parentingbehavior@understood.org. I'll put that email in the show notes to where you can also find more resources and links to anything we mentioned.

"Parenting Behavior with Dr. Andy Kahn is brought to you by Understood.org. It's produced and edited by Cody Nelson. Editorial guidance by Rae Jacobson. Music and mixing by Justin D. Wright. Ilana Millner is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to support us as we go through with our important mission, please consider donating. Go to Understood.org/give.