“Is my child lonely?” What to do when your child is struggling socially

There’s nothing quite as heartbreaking as the question, “Is my child lonely?”

It’s common for parents to worry if a child is having challenges connecting, or if their social skills seem like they're not aligned with their peers.

But it’s also important to consider our perceptions as parents. Are the concerns legit, or do we just need to look differently at our child? 

On this episode of Parenting Behavior, host Dr. Andy Kahn talks about loneliness and social skills for kids.

We’d love to hear from you. You can email us at ParentingBehavior@understood.org.

Related resources

• Why kids who learn and think differently might feel lonely

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• What to do when kids say “no one will play with me”

Timestamps

(0:51) Is it loneliness, or is it you?

(3:00) How does your child feel about the situation?

(6:09) How do I help my child with social struggles?

(9:51) Quick recap

Episode transcript

Andy: There's nothing quite as heartbreaking as asking the question "Is my kid lonely?" And it's a common worry for parents. If my kid's having challenges connecting, if their social skills seem like they're really just not aligned with their peers. Today, we're going to talk about our perceptions and whether or not we have legit concerns or if we need to just do something different in how we look at our child.

This is "Parenting Behavior," with your host, me, Dr. Andy Kahn. I'm a parent and licensed psychologist and I've been working with kids and families for over 20 years, navigating parenting challenges and behavioral difficulties. Today we're going to talk about loneliness and social skills in your child.

(0:51) Is it loneliness, or is it you?

First, let's start talking about perceptions. What you as a parent perceive as loneliness may be different than what your child perceives. If you're an extroverted person, like to spend a lot of time out and about with others, you may think loneliness is just hanging out with a few people where your child may prefer something completely different.

Super important to decide "Is this a legit concern or is this just something that's a part of the context?" If your child's more comfortable in one context than you, it may not be a challenge, but let's break this down together. The concept of loneliness is a big one for us because as parents, a lot of our social lives are connected to what our kids are doing. So, if your kid's involved in clubs, or in groups where you're hanging out with other parents, this becomes the world that you're living in.

If your child isn't terribly interested in the social world, this also shrinks the world of the parents, which, if you're extroverted, can be really confusing and really frustrating for you. One thing to keep in mind, your child is not you, and they may have very different interests than you. In addition, there's a lot that gets lost in this process. Figuring out if your child is lonely includes things like guessing, paying attention to the situation, and looking at the context.

So, we may have our own emotions because we're not getting what we desire as much socially, but our child may be fully happy with it. So, taking some time to evaluate that perception is really important. In addition, we have to keep in mind that there's an aspect of temperament here. If your child is just naturally shy, doesn't really have a strong an interest in other people, and they're very comfortable otherwise, this may be completely legit.

There's also the concept of social anxiety. Social anxiety is the intense fear of social situations. Fears of being embarrassed that lead to avoidance and escape. Totally different thing. But sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, and we really need to ask questions of our child to figure this out.

Finally, don't forget to ask your child about what they're experiencing. They can give you a lot of info about, "Hey, I'm comfortable. I just don't like to be around a lot of people." Or they might show you a lot of anxiety and fear. And that's a great cue to know, "Hey, I've got to get my child some help. I got to teach them some strategies or maybe get them some professional support."

(3:00) How does your child feel about the situation?

It's really important for us to consider our child's perception in these situations. For example, we have to look through our child's eyes wherever possible. Maybe your child is really not interested in large groups and are super comfortable with smaller get-togethers. They may need more alone time than others. And that's just some kids' wiring.

Particularly kids with learning and thinking differences, they might be overwhelmed by sensory experiences, may need smaller groups, and may find it less overwhelming to be around a comfortable just couple of friends as opposed to big activities. In addition, being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely. For many of us who grew up being really extroverted, this may be something that feels very foreign to us. But really getting a sense of your child, how they're feeling and doing is going to answer a lot of these questions.

Finally, don't be afraid to let your child find their own way socially. If they are in dangerous situations or experiencing a lot of distress, it may be fine just to leave things alone and just pay attention and see if things change over time. Remember that kids mature at different ages and in different paces. This is particularly true with kids with learning and thinking differences.

One of the important things here is that as kids get older and let's say they change schools going from elementary to middle school, your kid may still be interested in things like Pokemon and other kinds of gameplay as other kids are moving on to more mature interests like dating and romantic relationships. Don't stress about this. Keep in mind that for kids with ADHD and dyslexia, so much of what they go through is common and expected.

So, if your child's lagging behind in these areas, just be patient. They develop at their own clock and calendar. As kids develop at different paces, be supportive and be there for your child. Don't force them to be something that they're not. They have plenty of time to be adults and grown up.

The social life our kids are engaged in today is totally different than what many of us as parents were engaged with. We may ask ourselves, "How are they doing all of this interaction online? Are they ever going to talk on the phone or hang out in person?" So, when we see kids involved in quick messages, texting, using social media, try not to be too distressed. It's important to watch out for their online activities, for safety and how they're functioning after they spend time online.

But again, focus on things like supplementing their online lives with face-to-face activities with engagement in groups. Also, keep in mind that the online community is so central to kids' lives at this age. For many of us, we have to be mindful of the fact that we can't just take it away at a moment's notice. Get some information about the social world of your child, and keep in mind, it's not the world that we grew up in, but we have to learn about it because it's not going anywhere.

The key here is to make sure that if your child is showing excessive worry or anxiety about being social, this may be time to get them some help. Don't forget that the signs of anxiety may vary from child to child. Sure, they may look scared or fearful about things and escape and avoid. Other signs of anxiety can be angry and frustrated outbursts, or physical symptoms: headaches, stomach aches, and general physical discomfort.

Asking your child about their anxiety is helpful, but also paying attention to what they're showing you can give you a lot of good information.

(6:09) How do I help my child with social struggles?

Let's talk about some strategies for helping your child when they're struggling socially. Remember, kids with learning and thinking differences like ADHD very commonly show social struggles. There's a great link in the show notes to resources about managing social skill struggles. So, take a look after you. Listen to this episode. One thing I want to talk through, though, is giving you some very specific resources here.

One of the first things I want to talk about when we think about social skills, deficits are sensory sensitivities. Kids with learning and thinking differences like ADHD may get overwhelmed by sensations in their environment. So, I'll give you an example. If your child goes to a birthday party at a bowling alley, we can all imagine what this sounds and feels like.

In that environment, you may see your child get really agitated or start to have difficulty controlling their body in space, invade the space of others, or get too loud. In those moments, if you've already made the decision to go, give your child some breaks, give them some non-verbal cues to say, "Hey, let's let's step away and calm down here for a bit." If you know your child isn't going to do well and it's not going to be fun for them, offer them an alternative.

Say, "Hey, let's invite that kid out for a one-to-one get together and do something really fun together. Give your child the opportunity to still have fun, but acknowledge where things might be too hard for them.

Finally, consider the idea of how your child socializes in general. If they're going to have these unplanned, long, unstructured get-togethers, your child may break down and not be able to keep it together. Planning events that are shorter, more focused on specific activities is a much better recipe for success in those social situations.

One important thing you can do as a parent is practice around some of the areas your child struggles. For kids with learning and thinking differences, they very specifically struggle with social cues and knowing how to start and stop conversations. A great strategy here is to practice with them. Have some practice conversations, do some opportunities where you talk about a topic and tell them where to stop and where to start.

These are really important things to do because kids can be really overwhelming when they have a learning and thinking difference, especially when they're talking about something that excites them. Another thing to consider is to give your child conversation starters about topics that aren't their top interests, so they have an easier time knowing when to stop.

Having a common conversation about the weather or last week's activity may be really easy for a kid to get involved in a good back-and-forth with their peers. When your child's having a really tough time, one of the best things you can do is just be there for them. Remember, we've talked about this in other episodes, sometimes you just don't have to solve your kid's problem. Just being there, letting them share what's going on, and being supportive and validating to your child can be really therapeutic.

One of the things you can do is also decide when you're having big emotions, validate "OK. This is really hard. Let's move on and do something else." Pick something fun. Do something distracting. When your child's in a better state of mind and feeling better, they may be able to have a cleaner conversation with you about what went on. And then you can talk about strategies and supports. But be aware, sometimes just being there is going to be the best intervention for your child.

Also, remember, we don't solve problems right away. If your child's got big emotions, they're not going to be able to think about details. They're not going to be able to problem solve. Big emotions are a block to thinking clearly and solving problems. Finally, remember, your kids need to build social skills over time. They're going to make lots and lots of mistakes.

So, being willing to talk to them about how can we do some of these social activities that aren't going to feel so stressful. Hanging out with family and friends, having cousins over, or dealing with people who are close to your family who aren't going to feel like such a stressful partner for having conversations and for hanging out.

(9:51) Quick recap

Let's recap here. First and foremost, remember, your child is a unique individual and they are not you. Second, your child might have different social interests than you. You might like big groups, they might like to hang out with 1 or 2 people at a time. Having some alone time is not something to worry about if your child enjoys it. As long as they have the social skills they need. That's the key.

Number three, if your child is truly struggling to manage their social world, let's go back and look at some of the simple things we've talked about here in this episode, or grab the show notes and see what kind of links and resources are on our website.

Thanks for listening to this episode of "Parenting Behavior with Dr. Andy Kahn." We'd love to hear from you if you have any thoughts on the show. You can email us at parentingbehavior@understood.org. I'll put that email in the show notes to where you can also find more resources and links to anything we mentioned.

"Parenting Behavior with Dr. Andy Kahn is brought to you by Understood.org. It's produced and edited by Cody Nelson. Editorial guidance by Rae Jacobson. Music and mixing by Justin D. Wright. Ilana Millner is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to support us as we go through with our important mission, please consider donating. Go to Understood.org/give.