Talking through social struggles

Let’s face it. Embarrassment is a big part of growing up. And it can impact kids in many ways.

They may worry that trying a new outfit will embarrass them in front of their peers, or feel ashamed when a classmate comments on their appearance. Embarrassment and the emotions that come with it can be tough to navigate, for both kids and parents.

On this episode of Parenting Behavior, host Dr. Andy Kahn explains how to help young children deal with embarrassment and strategies for getting ahead of it. 

Timestamps

(1:04) Embarrassment vs. shame

(2:06) How to help kids prepare for anxiety-provoking situations

(2:58) How learning or thinking differences can affect embarrassment 

(4:18) Making yourself ‘in’ on the joke

Related resources

• Social and emotional skills at different ages 

• Managing emotions 

• I’m letting go of the shame I felt about my ADHD and learning disabilities

Episode transcript

Andy: Let's face it, embarrassment is a big part of childhood and growing up. Whether it's that fear of wearing the wrong outfit and being laughed at in class, or, as my producer said, slipping on that banana peel in the middle of that second-grade cafeteria. There are a lot of things in life that can be embarrassing to us. 

As someone with ADHD, I remember it like it was yesterday when my teacher would call on me and I would be completely out in left field and the kids would all laugh at me. Embarrassment really motivated me to figure out what the heck I was going to do. When this comes into your life in how you parent your kids, we need to think about how we can help them navigate embarrassment, and let's talk about that here today. 

This is "Parenting Behavior" with me, Dr. Andy Kahn. I'm a licensed psychologist, a parent, and I've been working with kids and families for over 20 years, helping to navigate behavioral challenges. In today's episode, we're going to talk about navigating embarrassment with your child. 

(1:04) Embarrassment vs. shame

Today we're going to think about embarrassment. And lots of what happens with embarrassment is about the feeling of being judged by others. And in fact, that feeling of shame when something is going wrong and you just feel so badly about yourself in the moment. Let's differentiate here for a second. Embarrassment is mostly about being judged by others or how people see you, while shame is that feeling of feeling like you've done something wrong. It's an internal thing, something that we feel bad about that might not be seen by others, but it can really influence our behavior. 

When we think about what kind of things can happen for kids with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia, there are lots of opportunities for them to feel embarrassed. Kids who struggle with reading might be laughed at by their peers when they're trying to read in public, or kids with ADHD like myself as a kid, getting called out for either being out of their seat or being off-topic. And these can lead to lots and lots of negative feelings and feelings of shame for those kids. 

We're going to talk today about navigating those embarrassed feelings and how you, as a parent, can support your child in that process.

(2:06) How to help kids prepare for anxiety-provoking situations 

One of the keys is that embarrassment and anxiety often go hand in hand. So, for me as an adult with ADHD, I'll often overprepare for situations that make me nervous or make me afraid of being embarrassed. So, before I do a podcast, I do a lot of study and work. Before a big interview, I might spend a lot of time doing research or learning about the people who are interviewing me. 

But the challenges for kids? Kids often don't know what to expect or don't know what the situation is going to bring to them. So, for us as adults, it's really important to predict that that's anxiety-provoking for kids. Teaching them about what to expect, learn about what's going to be asked of them in that situation, and help them prepare rehearse in those situations. Lots of this is manageable, but we have to think in advance about what embarrasses our kids and how we're going to help them navigate it. 

(2:58) How learning or thinking differences can affect embarrassment

One of the key areas that can cause embarrassment for kids are social situations, and this makes a lot of sense when you walk into a situation where you might not know all the people or know what the social rules are, kids are often going to find that really anxiety-provoking. The last thing they want to do is feel embarrassed about not knowing how to introduce themselves, or not knowing how to keep a conversation going. 

In addition to this, kids with ADHD often struggle knowing where to stop the conversation or might talk on and on about something that they're interested in, causing other people to sort of feel frustrated or maybe even tease them about how they're communicating. 

A lot of what we think about for kids with learning and thinking differences is also how their neurology and their development — remember the word from the last episode — affects how they're able to do what they need to do. Meaning, when your child is talking to someone else of their own age, they might seem less mature. They might not know and understand how social interactions are supposed to go, and this makes them a lot harder for them and could make them a target for getting teased or feeling embarrassed in the social world. 

Lots of what we can do about training kids in social skills, or helping them navigate situations with kids who might be more friendly to them already, can be super helpful in this situation. 

One of the things we think about in navigating embarrassment is teaching your child practical skills. In another episode, we talked a little bit about "faking it 'til you make it," which is trying to train yourself to do things in advance or to think about how your behavior affects people in your environment. 

(4:28) Making yourself 'in' on the joke

So, let me give you an example. If a kid is clumsy like I was as a kid, like I am as an adult, when I bump into things, or if I'm in a situation with a lot of things that I could knock over, I will pre apologize and say things like, "Well, you know, I'm really clumsy, so I'm going to watch out here for a second." So, if something does get knocked over, it's not quite so embarrassing if something happens and everyone's laughing at me. 

In fact, in that situation, teaching kids to sort of laugh with other people about things that are happening, taking away some of that power of embarrassment can be really powerful for kids. It's sort of like being self-effacing, but you're saying, "Yeah, I know this isn't good for me. This is something that I'm dealing with." And they sort of shrug and they nod about it. 

One of the things I always talk about with kids about embarrassment is embarrassment is a moment in time. If you're thinking about it for days and days after it's happened, you may be the only one. And I share this with kids. Things happen all day long, a moment of embarrassment is something that will go away, and you have to reassure your kids about this when they engage in those behaviors and help them move on from it when something embarrassing has happened to them. 

Thanks for listening to this episode of "Parenting Behavior with Dr. Andy Kahn." We'd love to hear from you if you have any thoughts on the show. You can email us at ParentingBehavior@understood.org. I'll put that email in the show notes too, where you can also find more resources and links to anything we mentioned. 

"Parenting Behavior with Dr. Andy Kahn" is brought to you by Understood.org. It's produced and edited by Cody Nelson. Editorial guidance by Rae Jacobson. Music and mixing by Justin D. Wright. Ilana Millner is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. 

For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. 

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