Tips from an ADHD Coach: Identity after an ADHD diagnosis

After getting an adult ADHD diagnosis, a lot of emotions can come up. And questions about who you are as a person, and what to do next — like, have I been masking my whole life? Will people close to me still like me if I change?

ADHD coach Jaye Lin reacts to a quote on questioning who we are after finding out we have ADHD. Listen for some of Jaye’s own story about navigating her identity, and some reassurance that we are all of our layers. 

Have a challenge you’d like Jaye to talk about in an episode? Email or send a voice memo to us at adhdcoachtips@understood.org.

Related resources

• “I thought I was just quirky.” Plus, ADHD accommodations at work (Mananya’s story)

• How do I emotionally prepare for ADHD diagnosis?

Timestamps

(00:26) Mananya’s quote

(02:13) Jaye’s reaction 

(02:33) The grief that can come after an adult ADHD diagnosis

(03:30) Questioning who we are

(05:55)  Who are we now after our ADHD diagnosis?

(09:50) How do we move forward?

(13:03) Outro 

Episode transcript

Jaye: This is "Tips from an ADHD Coach." And I'm your coach, Jaye Lin. Today we're talking about how we can navigate the way we want to live our lives once we get a better understanding of our ADHD. We are going to hear from Mananya, who is on another Understood.org podcast, "ADHD Aha!," about when she was diagnosed with ADHD and how that affected the way she's always seen herself.

(00:26) Mananya's quote

Mananya: My psychiatrist gave me a series of questions as an assessment. This particular assessment, it was ranked from one through ten, one being low frequency, ten being often, with a special answer which is "You could also say 'This is the way it's always been.'" So, one through ten or "This is the way it's always been." And within four questions, he looked up at me and said, we're going to continue your 25 minutes, but I can already tell you you have severe ADHD combined type one. Didn't know what that meant and I just proceeded to continue.

And by maybe the sixth question, I paused him and I said, "Wait, hold on, wait a minute. Why don't you just say that? How did you know already?"

Laura: Yeah.

Mananya: And he said, "Because every single answer you've answered so far has been, "This is the way it's always been." And I asked him, "So, you mean to tell me that the six questions you've asked me, others answered differently than 'This is the way it's always been'?"

Laura: Wow.

Mananya: But yeah, so we went through the entire 25 minutes and all of my answers were "This is the way it's always been." And that is when I started getting emotional. That was the moment I realized, I thought that people were seeing me as quirky and hyperactive and just fun. Did not realize that people may have seen me differently. Then I got emotional also because how have I gotten to this place at the age of 41 as an executive? It meant probably that I have overdone myself and exhausted myself to get to this point.

(02:13) Jaye's reaction

Jaye: Mananya's experience is one that really resonates with me because I had a very similar emotional reaction when I was diagnosed with ADHD in my mid-30s. I think I even said, "But that's something everyone struggles with, right?" Over ten times after I gave the answers to the questions in my assessment.

(02:33) The grief that can come after an adult ADHD diagnosis

Something I wish was talked about more is the grief process that happens after a later diagnosis. For decades, it's been common for girls with ADHD to get overlooked, so there has recently been a boom in women getting their ADHD diagnoses well into adulthood. What this means is that so many newly diagnosed ADHD women are going through this ADHD grieving process. I still am, and it's been over four years since my ADHD diagnosis. The grieving process of an ADHD diagnosis is a much bigger topic, so I'll save it for a future episode.

For now, I will say that after my diagnosis, I experienced a whirlwind of emotions that include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance, which are all things people associate with grieving the loss of a loved one. And every once in a while, one or more of these feelings still pop up for me.

(03:30) Questioning who we are

During this grieving process, it's really common for us to question everything about who we are. As we discover more and more about ADHD and how it can present, it can be hard to separate what about us is our personality and what is ADHD? For many of us, this can create somewhat of an identity crisis. Mananya mentioned this in her interview. She is quirky, hyperactive, and fun. That's who she is and who she has always been.

We have had years, sometimes decades, of figuring out our identity. And most of the ADHD people I know who have just been diagnosed have very clear, firm assessments of themselves, like "I can't cook" or "I get too bored to stay in a job for more than a year," or "I'm dramatic." After an ADHD diagnosis, those clear traits about ourselves can be challenged. Creating narratives about who we are can be ways for us to cope with the negative emotions we feel about our failed attempts or the shame we can feel about how we've behaved in the past.

Those identity statements can give us the permission to quit trying and in turn, quit getting results that are painful to us. Identity statements say who we are, not what we are capable of achieving, which can feel better, but with a new understanding of how our brains work and how ADHD affects the challenges we face, we can get a clear understanding of what happened and challenge those narratives we've created.

Sometimes we weren't able to be successful at things because we didn't have an accurate idea of why it wouldn't work. Maybe someone fell into an ADHD pitfall from their first few cooking experiences and could be a good cook in the future if they adjust their process and expectations. Maybe someone could stay in a job for more than a year if they structure their work to give them continued interest.

Maybe awareness of how our emotional process can be dysregulated can provide someone with more effective strategies for managing their emotions, and they won't consider themselves dramatic anymore. Or maybe they were never truly being dramatic, and they just have a harder time managing their emotions with emotional dysregulation from ADHD.

(05:55) Who are we now after our ADHD diagnosis?

When all we know is the way it's always been, and the way it's always been has been hugely affected by our ADHD, who are we right now? And who can we be in the future? These are hard questions, and they're tough to answer, especially if we start to question whether this is truly how it's always been.

Many of us have long resorted to masking or hiding our true personality or behavior behind a different one we would like to show the world instead. This can be done intentionally, but can also be done subconsciously in response to a painful event, social pressures, and abuse. Speaking as a lifelong heavy masker, it was really tough for me to confront who I really am.

Here's one example from my life. When I was in fifth grade, I was tired of being someone who is socially awkward, not able to speak when introduced to strangers, not able to order a pretzel from the counter at the movie theater. I decided that instead of being a shy kid that people overlooked, I was going to be this outgoing, loudmouth instead. So, I started being someone who laughs loud, makes inappropriate jokes, flirts shamelessly, and is generally fun and exciting.

So, today, 28 years later, there's a big question mark about who I truly am. I've been wearing that mask for so long, it's hard to figure out where the mask ends and where my face begins. I've been a loudmouth now for almost three times the amount of time I was a shy kid, and now it's who I am automatically when I'm in social settings. But who am I really? The shy kid or the person the mask portrays? Is it even still a mask? I've had a lot of sleepless nights over this. Can you tell?

Feeling like we've lost our identity can be incredibly unsettling. And with executive dysfunction and emotional dysregulation, this loss of identity can knock over everything we know and expect in life. Do we even want to change who we are? Do we even want to lower the mask? Is it even possible to do that? What happens when we do? Will the people in our lives still love us?

After all, they've loved the person we've always been. Haven't they? They've loved the mask we've shown them. Will they love the person behind the mask? Will they love the person we grow into after our ADHD treatment? Will we? I bet you weren't bargaining for so many existential questions today.

I do have some good news for you, though. You are you, no matter how many facets of you there are, even the masks are you. The answer to the question about who I truly am, the shy kid or the social butterfly, is both. Being outgoing may have started out as a mask for me, but it's become someone I'm incredibly comfortable putting out into the world. It was a skill I didn't have when I was younger that became a second nature for me the longer I put it to use. Masks can be that for us, skills that we aren't naturally born to do but can develop.

The shy kid still shows up from time to time, most often in the spaces where I feel safe to be vulnerable. But my outgoing personality is still the most accessible one to me. I am not being inauthentic when displaying either of these somewhat opposing qualities, because they are both pieces of what makes me me. There doesn't have to be one set way for us to act. We can be multilayered, approach different situations with different skills in our toolbelt, and have different modes for different days. All of it can still be us.

(09:50) How do we move forward?

So, if there's really no specific way we need to act, how do we move forward? I suggest exploring how the masks we wear affect us. Maybe wearing the outgoing mask exhausts me after long periods. That's true, by the way. But being outgoing also allows me to be open to so many opportunities for new friends, experiences, and social interaction. After the awareness of how the masks affect us, we can determine how we can intentionally be our best selves.

So, maybe I allow myself to be that outgoing personality when I'm in new places, large crowds, and in situations where it makes more sense to be social. But I limit the amount of time I spend in those places so I don't get too worn out. And maybe I balance that with more opportunities with trusted friends and family, where I can display more of the shy, vulnerable, sensitive side of me that doesn't take as much energy.

This applies to more than just masks. We can be intentional about all areas of our lives that are affected by our ADHD. Maybe I'm an ideas person and haven't had the best track record of following through on projects before my diagnosis. Also true by the way, I can assess the best parts of being an ideas person, like how what I create is truly unique and beneficial to the world, alongside the consequence of having so many ideas that I can be pulled away by another idea before I finish anything.

And then every once in a while, I can check in on which of my ideas are the most important to make sure I'm continuing on with my projects with intention, and not just going where the dopamine leads me. This is what I've been doing for the last few years, and I'm happy to report that I now see myself as someone who has great ideas and has a track record of following through on them.

Who we have always been can be who we are in the future. But it doesn't have to be the only way we will be. With our knowledge of how our ADHD affects us. We can be the ones who get to decide for ourselves. We can take what we have always been, keep the parts of us we want to, and intentionally grow the other parts of us toward who we would like to be.

And as far as the people around me, I was worried that they would want me to be the person I have always been. But I grew and changed anyway toward a life that would feel more fulfilling. I lowered the mask more often. I stopped trying to be such a people pleaser, started communicating my boundaries and pulled back from being someone who razzle dazzles all the time. I thought this would be a problem for my loved ones because they loved the person I was, but it turns out they love all parts of me.

Sometimes the boundary-setting and transition periods were clunky, but after all of it, they loved the person I was. And they love the person I am because they are both me. The feeling of people loving me for who I truly am in every way has been more wonderful than I can describe. I hope you're able to give your loved ones the chance to do the same.

(13:03) Outro

After a late ADHD diagnosis, it's common to experience a grief period that calls into question who we are and what we're capable of. ADHD affects so many areas of our lives, and especially with the masking that is common for us, it can be hard to pass who we truly are and who we can be. But there isn't one specific way we need to be, and we don't have to be stuck doing things the way it's always been.

We can decide what parts of us we want to keep, and which parts we would like to grow towards something that is more fulfilling to us. All of those pieces of who we are in the past, who we are right now, and who we will be in the future, makes up who we are. They are all our authentic self.

Thanks for listening. You've been listening to "Tips from an ADHD Coach" on the Understood Podcast Network. If you have a challenge that you'd like me to talk about on air or would just like to say hi, you can email us at ADHDCoachTips@understood.org. You can also check out the show notes to find links to anything mentioned in the show and more resources.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.

"Tips from an ADHD Coach" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ilana Millner is our supervising producer, Briana Berry is our production director, and Neil Drumming is our editorial director. For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Jaye Lin. Thanks for listening.