Tips from an ADHD Coach: Figuring it out for ourselves

People with ADHD can be out-of-the-box thinkers and great problem solvers. A lot of people may actually go to them for help solving difficult problems. But, what happens when they have to solve their own challenges? 

This week on Tips from an ADHD Coach, Jaye unpacks why it can be harder for people with ADHD to help themselves with their own challenges. Listen for some tips that can help. 

Have a challenge you’d like Jaye to talk about in an episode? Email or send a voice memo to us at adhdcoachtips@understood.org.

Related resources

• Advice from a career coach with ADHD and dyslexia

• ADHD and creativity

Timestamps

(00:47) Alex’s quote

(02:30) ADHDer problem solving — for others vs. ourselves

(05:42) ADHDers problem solving for other ADHDers and demand avoidance

(09:04) How can we problem-solve for ourselves?

(12:39) Recap and credits

Episode transcript

Jaye: Do you consider yourself an ideas person? Are you someone others go to you with a hard problem because they know you can help them solve it? Are you able to get the same ideas and results when you're facing your own challenges?

This is "Tips from an ADHD Coach," and I'm your coach, Jaye Lin. Today we're talking about how hard it can be to figure out what our own needs are and what solutions would be best for ourselves, even when we're good at figuring all that stuff out for other people. We're going to hear from Alex, who was on another Understood.org podcast, "How'd You Get THAT job?!" about how even though she became an expert on self-advocacy, she wasn't able to do it for herself when it came time for it.

(00:47) Alex's quote

Alex: While I was at Indiana University, I created a mentor retention program for students with disabilities to make sure that they graduate and they didn't fall behind. I had trained 50 different students on how to mentor other people, how to learn, how to advocate. I taught 100 students on how to advocate for themselves in the classroom, so I thought: I got this. I'm going to the workplace. I know exactly how to advocate for myself. I know how to teach other people how to advocate. I was not.

And so, I was, I think I was really like hit in the face very hard because it's so different. And I couldn't label specifically why it was so hard for me to be in this job. But when I think about everything about my first job, I was in a small office with five people, and I was the first desk that you saw. Everyone who came to the office came to ask me a question because, you know, that's the first person they saw.

I asked if I could have noise-canceling headphones and I was told no because it would look rude if I was the first person you saw and I was wearing headphones. And I was like, "One: I didn't know that that was illegal.". But, you know, I'm 22 years old. I don't know what that looks like. I was so anxious because I couldn't finish my work on time and I would stay late and I would try and come in early.

I remember my now husband, he was my boyfriend at the time, I remember saying to him, "I'm like, I'm getting all of these migraines. Like, what if there's something wrong with me?" I just, like, wanted, I wanted answers. And when I thought about it, I was like, "Oh I'm depressed, I'm depressed."

(02:30) ADHDer problem solving — for others vs. ourselves

Jaye: This might not come as a shock to anyone watching or listening, but a lot of us ADHD folks have a reputation for being problem solvers and out-of-the-box thinkers but also do a lot of things that don't make sense to other people. Like, I'm the person who other people go to when they can't figure out why their tech is glitching. And it's really easy for me to tell them that there's a setting they can switch to get it to do what they want it to.

But when Google Maps started showing me the navigation map always oriented north, I just kept making wrong turns and getting frustrated about how it would be easier if the map was pointing in the direction I was going and I didn't do anything to switch it back. So, why is it that many of us are such eager problem solvers for other people and not for ourselves?

Well, with lower executive function, it's harder for us to be flexible with plans to change contexts and encounter roadblocks. This means that however we are doing things in the moment is easier for us to continue doing. And sometimes we don't even consider what we would need to do differently because it can disrupt our focus and feel unsettling. This might also explain why a lot of us like to make huge plans and go hard on brainstorming before we get started.

Other than the big bursts of dopamine we get from brainstorming, a track record of not being able to make changes to the plan after we get started might make us feel like we need to have a complete plan before we make the first step. But what happens when we make an entire plan before we know what the obstacles are and we have a hard time making changes to the plan once we get started? What happens down the line when an obstacle comes up? I'll give you a hint. We also have emotional dysregulation.

Yes, When obstacles come up for us and we have a hard time pivoting from plans and we have extensive plans set up already, the resulting emotional reactions are usually not great. It can be really uncomfortable for us and those negative feelings can feel a lot stronger. And what is a common thing that happens when we feel negative emotions really strongly? We can try to avoid them and it can be harder for us to look at the situation clearly because our brains are trying really hard not to think about the parts that make us uncomfortable.

This explains why it's hard for us to figure things out for ourselves with ADHD but how do we explain why we're so good at figuring things out for others? Well, remember when I said it felt good for our brains to get dopamine from brainstorming?

When someone tells us what's going on with them, we are purely brainstorming. We aren't following any existing plan because this is the first time we're hearing about all of it and we don't have any of the discomfort or negative emotions that come up about ourselves when we're doing this because these are other people's problems, not our own. So, all the hang-ups that come with ADHD and problem-solving aren't there when we're doing it for other people.

(05:42) ADHDers problem solving for other ADHDers and demand avoidance

We can see paths forward without all the emotional and uncomfortable barriers and it feels purely good. When I explain this concept to ADHDers, a lot of the time they have a light bulb moment and tell me the solution they've just come up with. We should solve problems for each other, but unfortunately, that doesn't tend to work. Remember when I said I'm a big problem solver? Well, when I offer up solutions for people, especially other ADHD people, they usually don't use the solution and not because they think it's stupid. Not always, anyway.

It's usually because of something called demand avoidance, which is common for those of us with ADHD and or autism. Demand avoidance is what happens when my roommate tells me to take out the trash while I'm in the middle of walking over to take out the trash, even though I was just about to take out the trash. Now that someone has demanded it from me, I suddenly don't want to do it.

Demand avoidance is also why some of us have a hard time doing something we love doing, like crocheting after there is a demand on us to do it. Like after we've opened an Etsy shop and orders for us to make crochet hats have already come in. Demand avoidance is most common when there is something we should do. When someone tells me what the best solution is and what I need to do. I usually don't want to do it because now something is being demanded of me.

There's something someone thinks I should be doing. While it might be easier for us to come up with solutions for each other, it can actually be harder for us to follow through on someone else's ideas. Pride factors in, too. my friends and colleagues will probably hate me for saying this out loud, but if you want to find an ADHD person who really doesn't have their stuff together, look for an ADHD coach.

Yep. The most emotionally reactive, dysfunctional, unable to finish what they start, meltdown ADHD people I know are all professionals who help other people work on those things, and a lot of them are really good at helping other people with those exact things they aren't able to figure out themselves.

It might sound counterintuitive because how can someone help another person if they are a bigger mess? But keep in mind that most ADHD coaches have ADHD themselves and are prone to the same pitfalls I just described. But as experts, a lot of them feel like they should have it all together and they shouldn't need the same assistance from other people that they are doing as their job. All of their hang-ups are usually hidden from other people and they suffer in silence because they're the experts and who would hire them if it was known that they were like this?

I actually make a point not to ever suggest any solutions to those friends and colleagues because they're even less likely to take that advice. They're the experts. They have to figure it out themselves. But not being able to figure it out themselves makes them feel bad. So, they will just try not to think about it anymore. So, being an expert in something can make it doubly hard for us to put a solution in place.

(09:04) How can we problem-solve for ourselves?

So, what can we do when we find ourselves in this position where we know ourselves to be great problem solvers but can't seem to figure things out for ourselves and really need to figure it out for ourselves? This is why I love being a coach. In an environment like coaching, it gets a lot easier to work things out. A coaching session is a safe place for those of us with ADHD to verbally process what's going on with ourselves with a trusted partner so we can see the situation a lot clearer.

Saying it out loud often takes the sting away from negative emotions, especially ones that have grown over time from our avoidance. Then the dopamine from talking about it can give us the motivating energy to go out and do those solutions. These conversations can happen outside of coaching too, but it's important to lay the groundwork down on conversations with friends and family for this purpose. The person having this conversation with us needs to know that it's not helpful to suggest solutions and that we want them to ask us questions and clarify what's going on with us.

So, basically we want them to have coaching conversations with us. Outside of having a coaching conversation for us to figure things out, we can also make it easier to move forward by addressing some of the hang-ups we have. First off, the inflexibility I talked about. A lot of ADHD clients tell me they actually have a really easy time pivoting. I then asked them about what situations they're spontaneous and flexible, and it's always when they decide they want to be spontaneous and flexible.

If it's someone else who wants them to be flexible, it's hard. But when they've decided to be flexible, it's easy. Demand avoidance. Again, we often have to stop and say, "I'm going to choose to pivot. What can I do?" Instead of following an established plan from beginning to end, we can put check-ins in place to reassess and decide how to move forward. Just like companies do with product launches.

Next, we can be self-compassionate about the negative feelings we get. Remember when I was telling you about my Google Maps always pointing north? I'm most likely the person who made that change. Probably because having the map always point north seemed like it would help me acquaint myself with my new neighborhood, so I won't need to use navigation forever. I didn't think to change it because I knew that it was my own choice and didn't want to acknowledge I'd made a mistake.

But how would I know that orienting the map north would give me so many problems before trying it out? It's OK for me to say that I tried something I thought would be helpful, but it wasn't. So, I'm going to switch it back. Lastly, we can acknowledge that being human is the most important part of being an expert. Continuing to learn, make mistakes, and grow will make us better experts in the future. No one benefits from me hiding my flaws from the world. A lot of people benefit when I share my difficulties and we find the path forward together.

If we do all of that, it's much easier for us to figure it out so we can be problem solvers for ourselves, too. Not just for other people. And in case you're wondering, while writing this episode, I did switch my Google Maps back to how it was before. I'm really happy about that.

(12:39) Recap and credits

With ADHD, we can often be known as problem solvers and out-of-the-box thinkers, but have a hard time finding those solutions for ourselves due to executive dysfunction, making it harder for us to pivot away from an established plan and emotional dysregulation that makes it harder for us to look at the situation clearly.

When we're problem-solving for other people, we don't get any of those hang-ups and just feel good due to the extra dopamine we're getting from brainstorming. But we can't just have other people tell us what to do because many of us have demand avoidance that makes it hard for us to do what other people say we should.

So, we need to be the ones coming up with our own solutions, especially if we have insecurities about being an expert. But we can move forward if we're able to talk through our challenges in a safe place with someone who will support us with a coaching conversation.

We can also put in checkpoints in what we're doing to give us space to revise the plan instead of it being a disruption to do so. We can be self-compassionate about our negative feelings about ourselves and acknowledge that as experts we do the best good when we show that we're human. If we do that, we can be problem solvers for ourselves too.

You've been listening to "Tips from an ADHD Coach" on the Understood Podcast Network. If you have a challenge you like me to talk about or would just like to say hi, you can email us at ADHDCoachTips@understood.org. You can also check out the show notes to find links to anything mentioned in the show and more resources.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work. Donate at Understood.org/mission.