Sorry, I Missed This: Reddit reactions — ADHD and romantic relationships!

Have you ever been called a “manic pixie dream girl” by someone you were dating? Is it hard to remember your partner when they’re not with you? ADHD can bring its own set of challenges to dating, and romantic relationships.

Producer Margie visits the podcast to share what she’s found on the ADHD Women subreddit, where women with ADHD ask questions and share their challenges and wins. Listen for Cate’s reactions and a chat about common romantic dilemmas for women with ADHD!

We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org.

Related resources

• The ADHD Women subreddit

• ADHD Support for Women by Understood.org’s Facebook group

Timestamps

(00:00) Women with ADHD communities, and common dating tropes

(03:46) Post #1 “I was too much for him”

(06:37) Post #2 “I did 12 loads of laundry to avoid writing a dating profile”

(11:56) Post #3 “Anyone else chronically feel like they’re not in a place where they’re ready to date?”

(16:27) Post #4 “Having ADHD as a woman and still having to carry the mental load”

(22:20) Post #5 “The ADHD struggle of falling in love after every good date”

(27:04) Post #6 “Does anyone else struggle with accidentally ignoring their partner or friends?”

(34:28) Talking about what gives us shame helps everyone

Episode transcript

(00:00) Women with ADHD communities, and common dating tropes

Cate: Hey everybody and welcome back to "Sorry, I Missed This." So, hey, listen, today we are going to be doing something a little bit different because we have my fabulous producer, Margie, with us here on the show. And so, today we're going to be reacting to Reddit questions.

Margie: Heck yeah.

Cate: Hi, Margie.

Margie: Oh my gosh, hi.

Cate: Look at you. You're doing great here on the podcast.

Margie: Look at me. It's crazy behind the curtain. Wizard of Oz moment right here.

Cate: I want to give a little soapbox first. So, one of the ideas behind this episode is that online there are tons of different communities that exist to support women with ADHD. Understood.org, we just created one, the MissUnderstood Podcast Channel. We have a Facebook group going, which is amazing, but there's all sorts of other ones, right? Like I got my start on TikTok and Reddit exists as well.

And so, Margie I thought it would be fun to sort of delve into one of those communities and see what people are asking about. What are they talking about? What do they want to know? My question for you, though, Margie, is because I'm blind-reacting, because again, this is the podcast of all podcasts, how did you choose these questions?

Margie: Yeah. So, I basically started on the r/ADHDWomen Reddit, which if you haven't checked it out, go take a look. There's a lot of content, a lot of support happening there. Since this episode is going to be on like romantic relationships, I basically just typed in "dating" and saw what people were talking about. I saw a lot of themes. I saw like, "I'm too much for people. I'm a manic pixie dream girl trope. How do I tell my partner that I have ADHD?"

And then I was trying to find some funnier ones. I was like, "dating" or "funny story." And you know, there aren't a ton there. People are really struggling.

Cate: Yeah.

Margie: And I think that, you know, if we talk about it and we kind of support each other in it, then we can kind of get to the bottom of it, too.

Cate: Yeah. Margie, I don't want to out you, but like, you have ADHD, right?

Margie: I do. I do have ADHD, yes.

Cate: I'm just curious, have you ever been told like, you're too much? Did you ever get that as a kid?

Margie: Yeah. Yeah, I've literally, it's been years now, but someone did say I was a manic pixie dream girl when I was, like, 19 or something. I'm like, "Please get away from me." But I also have tons of friends who have ADHD, and they also get that manic pixie dream girl trope, and whoever they're dating kind of gets tired of it. Or they find out that actually, you're a human with flaws and you're not this fictional Natalie Portman character. So yeah, we're we're not in Garden State.

Cate: So, I really leaned into being the manic pixie dream girl. I felt like that was a place where I could thrive, like I was awful. I was insufferable for quite a long time. And I'm like, I'm glad that I had that experience because, you know, now it's like, OK, I've learned, I've grown, I'm doing better. But I used to take such pride in that until I realized what I was actually doing was just constantly apologizing for just my existence. And that was not so good.

Margie: Yeah. Masking for people to like you.

Cate: Yeah.

Margie: And things like that. Like, I definitely did lean into it in high school. I think that's like just, you know, before I had much life experience and I was like "Wait, this actually sucks for me." And I'm just like, doing this to please whoever I'm with and make them like me.

Cate: I was like a caricature of a person for like, I had like a blue pixie cut. And I was like, I'm so quirky.

Margie: I also had a pixie cut.

Cate: Yes. I feel like yellow would look super cute on you.

Margie: I was 14.

Cate: I was 14, so I had it for a while. It doesn't matter. I got distracted. Hey, Margie, you want to react to these Reddit questions?

(03:46) Post #1 I was too "much for him"

Margie: Yeah. Let's do it. This one's called. I was too much for him, so…

Cate: OK.

Margie: What we were just talking about too.

Cate: OK.

Margie: I broke up with my boyfriend this morning because he didn't really seem to like the parts of me I like the most. Those happened to significantly be ADHD traits, so I didn't know if you guys have any dating pointers. For example, I texted him too much. He never knew what I was talking about. I was too high energy. I made little jokes and casual statements during heavy conversations to keep things light and productive.

These are things I love about myself and have gotten really positive, deliberate feedback on. I see all of those being frustrated for sure though, and I really liked him. So, when he would express that they bothered him, I tried to subdue myself. He'd sense I was subdued and say it was a him problem, that I was misunderstanding, and that he didn't want me to change, rinse and repeat.

And yeah, it hurts a lot to have to end something that I was really, really good when it was good. Please tell me there are guys out there who would actively appreciate, encourage these parts of me. I feel like so many of us end up hurt by the manic pixie dream girl trope. The things that draw partners to us become things that overwhelm them.

Cate: I mean, my real honest reaction is like, Boy, bye. You know what I mean?

Margie: Yeah. And she did.

Cate: And like Elise Myers, who is a fantastic creator, talks a lot about like, mental health and that kind of stuff, she always says "If somebody tells you, 'Oh you're too much', go find more." And that's really what I believe. Like, I spent so long trying to change myself into the person that I thought my partners wanted me to be. Like, I joke about Star Wars all the time on the podcast, but like, that's just such a microcosm of how I lived for so long.

And it's like, no, like you have the right to be yourself. If the issues that you are dealing with with your ADHD cause problems or issues, that's something to be aware of. But if it's just my boyfriend doesn't like how I talk or how I communicate or says I text too much or whatever, like individually, I feel like those are things that you could work on, right? Like, "Hey, well, how much is the right amount of texting?"

But when it's across the board, the problem is just you. You are the problem. It's not the texting, it's not the communication is just as a whole, your ADHD is the issue. Like no, next. No, absolutely not. You deserve so much better than that.

Margie: Yeah, it's not reasonable compromise when you're sacrificing really important parts of yourself.

Cate: Yeah.

Margie: Like that is not a sustainable relationship.

Cate: Yeah. Or like the places of your identity where you find pride, you know, like, "Oh I'm an artist. Well, my boyfriend doesn't like that I do art, so I'm just not going to do art anymore." It's like, no, like ADHD brains are built differently and that communication style and the way that we get passionate and excited, like, that's part of it. I hate to see people downplaying themselves for the comfort of others.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: I really do.

(06:37) Post #2 "I did 12 loads of laundry to avoid writing a dating profile"

Margie: So, this one is called "I did 12 loads of laundry to avoid writing a dating profile." OK, so when does writing a dating profile stop feeling like I'm a sad little soaking wet kitten sitting in a cardboard box with a sign that says free. Right? That imagery. Seriously, I'm trying to get back out there. But after dating for a few years and then having a terrible relationship, my best friend basically bullied me into at least trying dating. I made a Tinder profile and deleted it after three hours. My perfectionist brain is screaming that I wrote it wrong and I'm a horrible person who doesn't get to be happy now.

I'm struggling between only listing horrible things about myself because I chase away people before they can hurt me and putting my entire life story, running out of characters, and getting frustrated. Anyone else meet their significant other through online dating? And how do I gently communicate that I have ADHD and certain coping mechanisms that are definitely strange to most people? Like healing my inner child by purchasing the largest Isopod plushie I could find. Yep. I tackled my laundry mountain so I didn't have to write this thing again.

Cate: There's so much in that that I just want to unpack.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: I mean, the first thing is, though, there's this great term procrasterbating, and it's where you do anything else but the thing that you're supposed to be doing. So, doing 12 loads of laundry instead of writing your dating profile, you're procrasterbating. It's slightly inappropriate, but in like a fun way.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: The thing that really sticks out to me, so many people with ADHD experience issues with self-esteem. We are bullied more. We find ourselves struggling to connect with our peers, and it can be really easy to internalize that as like, "Oh I'm just like the sad kitten in a box that nobody wants." And so, what I hear is really not a person who is struggling with writing a dating profile, but is struggling with the idea of "Would anybody want me? How do I explain who I am in order to, you know, find a partner?"

And my reaction to that is very visceral because it's like, I know how that feels. I know how lonely it can be to just feel like nobody understands me, nobody gets me. I just got out of a bad relationship. What if I get into another bad one? There's fear there. There's apprehension there, there's regret there. You know, there's so much going on.

But then on top of that, you know, my really practical answer is, well, you don't have to use dating apps. There are some really good dating apps and there are some that aren't amazing. And I think finding other ways to meet people who tend to be more on the same wavelength as you that can also really help folks with ADHD, right? So, instead of, you know, just endlessly doomscrolling on Field or Tinder or whatever it may be, you know, go to a local game night or, you know, whatever your hobby of choice is.

Like I'm a Dungeons and Dragons person, so I do a lot of that kind of stuff. But I feel like meeting people one on one in like that community environment, it often becomes so much easier to sort of talk about yourself and explain yourself and you don't feel like you have that pressure to just be like, "I have ADHD" in my dating profile and let people judge me solely from that fact. But it's also really hard to do that right now.

How we meet people, it tends to be so much more online now, so much more on apps now that some people really struggle with meeting people in person. So, it tends to be a mixed bag, but I don't know, I just get really frustrated when I hear stuff like this because I just want to like hug them but also shake them by their shoulders and just be like, "You are enough. Like you are not broken, you're not damaged. It's just dating sucks dating think it's awful."

Margie: It can suck. And also, like with dating profiles, I mean, I'm in a relationship of like two years. I haven't been on a dating app in a minute, but I remember when I did have a profile, like, it's this cultivated portrayal of you, I can see where like the ADHD perfectionism comes in places like I want to make sure that I'm portraying myself in this exact way, that I want people to think of me as.

Cate: Yeah.

Margie: And like I remember when I was on dating apps, I would like meet up with people and they'd be like, "You are not what I expected." I'm like, "Wow, what did I do wrong on my profile?" Usually in a good way, I hope.

Cate: Yeah. ADHD perfectionism and then also, it's so funny, the writing something that's way too long. I got an email from somebody today and I feel like that's a very... I have no proof of this, but it's a very neurodivergent thing to just want to sort of like tell everything right away. I get so many emails that are just life stories and I'm just like, "I see you, I know how it goes" because you want to provide context, you want to contextualize things so people understand. But I'm like, "Nah, just like what your favorite movie is, you'll be fine."

Margie: Right? And as an ADHD woman, we fond, we overexplain, we want to make sure everyone gets us all the information, that I find myself running into that constantly.

Cate: That idea that the informed, like the informed decision I have to let them make an informed decision.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: I'd put it all out there first and I don't really agree with that.

Margie: No. Get to know each other.

Cate: Yeah. Get to know each other. Get to know the vibe. Decide if this is a person who is worthy, frankly, of your time, of your energy, of, you know, your trust and investment. And then it's like, hey, then start talking about the larger things. But I don't, I really don't feel like you have to go into anything and just be like, "Here's my entire biography."

(11:56) Post #3 "Anyone else chronically feel like they’re not in a place where they’re ready to date?"

Margie: This one's called "Anyone else chronically feel like they're not in a place where they're ready to date?" So, I've been single for the last few years and occasionally feel a desire to get back in the dating world. However, I already generally struggle to take care of myself in no small part due to my daily struggles with ADHD. I've been envisioning myself getting back in the dating pool once I had my stuff together, but it's been years and I am still not there yet.

I think the biggest thing I fear most is that my partner will end up having to pick up my slack like a parent cleaning up after their kids' messes. And that is the last thing that I want. I also don't like how messy my place gets, and I'm embarrassed of the thought of exposing someone to that. Anyone else relate?

Cate: Yes.

Margie: Yes.

Cate: I relate very hard.

Margie: Yes.

Cate: Gosh, it's hard because on on a Reddit post you don't have like the entire context of a person's life. But I don't know, I just wonder about how much of that is self-appointed shame. "I don't like that I messy, therefore no one else will ever like me because I am messy" or "I struggle with this thing. Therefore I am going to be a bad partner." But the two things that I did is one: I found understanding partners. You know, I found partners who understand my struggle. I found partners who love me and who unconditionally accept me even when my mess gets a little bit out of control.

But the second thing I did was I had to really start thinking about ADHD as you know, it's going to be with me for my entire life. There's no like point where you get better, right? From ADHD. And so, I was like, OK, if I'm messy, how do I deal with that? What are the steps that I take to make sure that I have a space that is not cluttered, that I can feel comfortable bringing people over? My partner can live safely and healthily in. And like I'm still not perfect about it. Like, here, I'll show you my coffee table. That's my coffee table right now. My coffee table is quite messy.

You know, my house isn't always perfect. But rather than sitting in judgment, rather than sitting in shame and guilt, I just go, "Oh OK, well, I need to do a little bit of better organizing of the coffee table tonight. I need to make sure it gets cleared."

The other thing, too, though, is, you know, we are working on an episode right now about parentification in relationships. Parentification is really common. But if you are looking out for it, if you are having conversations about where a partner can pick up slack or when you don't want a partner to pick up slack, your relationship is only going to get stronger when you're having these conversations and you're navigating through instead of just saying, "No one will ever love me, I can't possibly be a good partner."

I feel like people deserve love.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: I don't know if that's a cop-out answer to that question, but don't be so damn hard on yourself. That's my reaction, honestly.

Margie: Yeah. And I don't know if I'm just like outing myself right now, but I think that it can be common to think that you need to be alone to heal yourself. Right? Like you have to, like, do everything on your own. And you can't be in a relationship until you're perfect. And that's just like, never going to be the case. We're all human. We're all here with our own things going on. And you can figure stuff out while in the relationship as well.

Cate: Yeah. And what's the phrase that RuPaul says where it's like "If you don't love yourself. How the hell is everybody else..." Or whatever that is? I hate that. I hate that idea. And I always feel like a weird and crazy person for hating that so much. Because I feel like sometimes, especially with neurodivergent brains, sometimes we need external processing, sometimes we need the ability to see examples and to process differently.

And I just I really don't believe that you have to be like, perfectly organized or perfectly perfect, I guess, in any way in order to be deserving of a loving relationship. And I think especially when you're in a really healthy, positive, supportive relationship, it can help with these things.

Margie: Being in the relationship with someone who directly disproves these same thoughts and these spirals can actually be really healing. And again, you know, like, "Oh my anxiety is lying to me."

Cate: Yeah, I was shocked how when I started like identifying those thoughts in myself, how often my anxiety was just trying to convince me that my partner was mad at me.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: Or hated me.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: I was being annoying or, you know, too much, all of those things. And I was like, "No, it's just, this is your brain being a jerk to you."

Margie: Here, let's go on to another one.

Cate: OK.

(16:25) Post #4 "Having ADHD as a woman and still having to carry the mental load"

Margie: This one's called "Having ADHD as a woman and still having to carry the mental load."

Cate: I feel like I know how this one is going to go.

Margie: I'm a mostly straight woman, and every time I'm in a relationship, I end up carrying the mental load and doing all of the emotional labor, even though I'm not suited to it at all. I was diagnosed late, so I'm used to compensating. But it kind of sucks that just because I'm a woman, I still end up stuck in this role. I would love to do what the men I've dated do and just let it end up in someone else's lap. But then things just don't get done.

I'm the one making sure that we have the things we need, and with the running list in my mind, finding things that he can't. Managing our family relationships and social lives. Planning our trips and packing. Keeping us on track with laundry and housework. Managing pet appointments. Finding pet sitters. Meal planning. Reminding him to do the chores that need to get done, etc.

I'm single right now, so it's not directly relevant, but I'm actually bitter that I don't get the opportunity to just white out the noise and let someone else remind me that we need tissues and we're out of milk and the dog needs to go to the vet and we have to get a gift for his mom, etc. etc. forever. Just looking for commiseration since I'm sure many of you were in the same boat. How are we feeling about this?

Cate: How long do you have, Margie?

Margie: I know, right? Like even listing out those things, like and there's so much more.

Cate: Yeah. I mean, it's super common, right? It's so common. We see across the board that people socialized as women tend to take on more of the domestic labor. They tend to take on more of the administrative tasks as well. And it winds up often being a really inequitable and really frustrating state of being in a relationship. And frankly, like, I get it. I get why somebody wouldn't want to be in a relationship where that is happening.

And so, commiseration like, yes. Like yes, oh my God. We talked about this a little bit, I think, in our KC Davis episode. But honestly, what it comes down to is finding a partner with the same standards and same expectations as you. You know, you don't have to start off exactly on the same page. These things are negotiable. These things are things that can take time and energy and effort to sort of change and shape into a way that can thrive in your environment.

But there is absolutely no reason why somebody should have to do everything. To me, that sounds like less of a them problem and more of a the partner is not participating and not stepping up in a way to be a really supportive partner. I mean, it sounds like a parentified relationship, you know? And it's insidious, though, too. It really is insidious. Like I have been in that relationship where I'm handling everything and I'm stressed and I'm tired and I'm angry and I'm growing more and more and more resentful.

And, you know, from like my area of expertise, I also see how powerfully things like resentment and anger and even like guilt and shame about like, wanting to talk, but not, these are going to impact your relationships long term. And the longer that you live in this resentment or this frustration that your partner is not stepping up, the worse it's going to be for your relationship.

Frankly, I think it's unfair. Like maybe that's a silly way to say it.

Margie: It is. No.

Cate: But I think it is unfair that we as women are often put into that position of having to manage, because of course we will. Because, of course, we will.

Margie: Because then it won't get done.

Cate: Yeah. And it's like one of the most powerful things that we can do as people with ADHD is to break that cycle and say, "Just because this is what it was like in your household growing up or my household growing up, like it does not need to be this. I'm going to change this partnership dynamic. I am going to create a reflection of the type of partnership I need and the type of partnership I deserve. And that's going to look like this. We're going to divide things equitably. We are going to support each other."

You know, like I get really overwhelmed loading the dishwasher, but not unloading the dishwasher. I don't know why, but that's just how it works.

Margie: I got that, actually. Yeah.

Cate: And so, you know, my partner and I, like we talk about it. We have these like, really long, drawn-out conversations about things that seem silly, like how do you feel about unloading the dishwasher? But ultimately, it winds up being then I'm not having to think about the loading because I know he's going to do it. And then all I have to worry about is the, you know.

Margie: Yeah. I think that that's key here, is that like communication needs to start from the beginning about this or that resentment builds. And even if it's just like, "Hey, I've noticed I'm doing a lot of the administration tasks around the house. Like, have you also noticed that?"

Cate: Yeah. Can I drop the spiciest hot take?

Margie: Yes, please.

Cate: I really feel like — and it's nobody's fault. Like, I want to be so clear. It's nobody's fault. But we as a culture, like when I'm speaking of like American U.S. culture, we really struggle in general with having conversations like that because there is this strange, just underlying idea that, well, in a perfect partnership, they're just going to know. In a perfect partnership. They just would. If he wanted to, he would, you know, that kind of thing. And I think those are really toxic ideas.

Because I think a person can be an excellent partner, but if they grew up in a household where the — I'm just gonna say mom — was doing everything, they might not have done that internal unpacking of, "Hey, wait. That really was inequitable. Like, wow, what I was model was not an equitable or healthy relationship. It was just mom was doing everything." And so, I think sometimes you also have to be willing to do that work together as a partnership.

If you really love somebody and really find value in the relationship, then it's important to be able to have those conversations and say like, "Hey, we need to talk about the chores. We need to talk about the admin stuff. Like somebody has to take over the vet staff because I'm overwhelmed." And if they're resistant to that or they're like, "Nah, I'm just really happy with you doing everything," then that's when it's like, "OK, now we need to be reevaluating."

Margie: That's a bigger problem. The foundations cracked, perhaps.

Cate: The foundation's cracked.

(22:20) Post #5 "The ADHD struggle of falling in love after every good date"

Margie: So, this one is called "The ADHD struggle of falling in love after every good date." Yeah. I'm in this constant cycle of going on a good date with someone immediately becoming obsessed with them, spending way too much time thinking about them, we probably go out another time or two and then I inevitably get disappointed and one way or another and force myself to go out with more people to distract myself. Then I'll get obsessed with one of the new people, repeat cycle.

Anyone else experience this? Any advice on how to stop? I'm trying to casually date with the idea that when I meet the right person it will naturally progress beyond the first few dates. But how do I stop the total obsession? I'm on my fourth hyperfixation person of the year already, and it's honestly a little exhausting. But then it's like, if I'm not obsessed with someone, I don't really care about them at all.

Cate: That's hyperfixation, baby.

Margie: It is. And it could happen with people.

Cate: Yeah, it can happen with people, which I wish we talked about more because I don't know about you. I don't speak for you. But like, I used to be really embarrassed. I was like, "Oh my God, I'm such like a weird, creepy stalker." Like you, I'm weird and gross and was like, "No, it's just my brain works," right? You get the dopamine on that really good first date. And then there's that also ADHD galaxy brain effect where you're like, "Oh this was a really good date. Like, I wonder what the next date will be, I wonder how he's going to propose. Like, I wonder what our wedding is going to look like. I wonder what our, you know, we're going to name our kids.

And it's just, it's just your brain braining. It honestly doesn't even come from a place of like, you necessarily want any of this to come true. It's just that idea of, like, your brain just starts going and going and going because it's chasing that dopamine. It's chasing that tasty reaction to this hyperfixation that you're having.

I think you would be shocked to know how often I get this question from people. And my answer is usually the same. And I feel like it's a little bit boring and a little bit disappointing. But ultimately, what it comes down to is I'm actually really proud of this person because they've recognized this. They've recognized this as a pattern.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: So, the next step is saying, "OK, I know that I tend to do this, so what is my next step going to be?" And for many people, what that winds up looking like is some kind of system or structure or set of rules that you're going to very specifically follow in order to not only protect yourself, but protect that person who is the object of your hyperfixation.

Because this is the other thing. It's fine if you want to get hyper fixated on Doctor Who, it's fine If you want to get really into knitting for a week. It's fine if you want to like join the roller derby, right? That's fine. That's great. hyperfocus, hyperfixate on those things. But when it's another person, it's another person.

That's a person with feelings and, you know, complex things that are going on as well. And so, when you reduce them to an object of hyperfixation, it's really easy to forget that the person on the other end of the phone who you've now ghosted because you got bored a week into this super fast, super sort of, you know, hyperfocused relationship. It's hurtful. It can be really hurtful, It can be really damaging.

And I think honestly, too, the more that you do it, the easier it becomes to forget that because then you're just like burning through people in the dating apps. You're like, "Oh I feel bad about this guy, so I'm going to go on a date with this other person" and then the cycle just starts repeating itself. And so, I think part of it is really taking radical responsibility for that because we can't help that our brains get hyperfixated. But what we can do is affect and work on how we handle that.

And whether that's, you know, looking at each person and saying, "I'm going to be out of town for a week, but I'll text you later." Or, you know, "Hey, I have a personal rule that I only like to text a couple of days..." Like whatever, whatever works for you. Like, I don't want to tell you what works, but you know what I'm saying.

Margie: Boundaries. Yeah.

Cate: My spiciest, hottest take about ADHD and neurodiversity, in general, is that there is a radical self-honesty and self-responsibility that has to come with living in our brains. And it's not necessarily fair that we have to take extra steps. But when the result of not taking those steps can be really hurting somebody or leaving somebody just like behind, just ghosting them entirely, I think it's really important to name that, to talk about it without shame, without guilt, saying, you know, "You're a bad person if you do this" because you're not. It just happens.

But being aware of it, having that radical self-awareness and responsibility, that is what is going to define you as a good partner. Long past that hyperfixation phase. That is my answer.

Margie: Yeah, that's self-awareness. And it seems like this writer has some at least. They've recognized the pattern that they go through. But yeah. Yeah. Like hyperfixations don't last forever. Those roller derby skates are going to be in the back of your closet in a month.

Cate: Yeah.

Margie: Maybe we have time for maybe one more?

Cate: OK.

(27:04) Post #6 "Does anyone else struggle with accidentally ignoring their partner or friends?"

Margie: This one's called "Does anyone else struggle with accidentally ignoring their partner or friends?" I got diagnosed early last year and have been untangling since then. Where I'm really struggling is how it is affecting my relationships, in particular with my partner. I've always been very sociable, but friends have often said that they felt like there's a switch in me, either I pay them huge amounts of attention or kind of blink them. This is obviously not nice, but mostly friends are OK with it. However, my partner is clearly upset when this happens.

I don't want him to feel like I'm not interested in him or don't care because obviously I do. But I'm not aware of my ignoring him moments until he starts to get upset. Then it's kind of too late. He also thinks I light ADHD, which is not how it feels for me. So, if I try to explain that my brain is literally different than his and that it's not personal, he feels like I'm using my diagnosis as an excuse to continue treating him poorly. Maybe it does sound like that, but for me, it finally explains why my behavior so often doesn't match my intentions.

At the same time, I feel so terrible and sad to be consistently making my partner feel ignored or unloved. Please, please, please. Could anyone share their similar experiences?

Cate: The deepness to which I relate to that. I, again, I think this is something we really don't talk about when it comes to relationships and ADHD, and it is that out of sight out of mind and it has to do with a lot of different things. It has one how our brain just tends to focus on different things at different times is our struggles with switching between tasks. Like if I'm working, I'm not spending a lot of mental energy going  "I wonder what my husband is doing right now." It's like, no, I'm working. That switch has to almost be manual.

And then the second thing is that we also perceive time in different ways, right? Like there's been a couple of really interesting studies about how people with ADHD perceive time. It is measurably different. Then you wind up in these situations where it's, I haven't texted my mom in three weeks because for me it feels like three days or, you know, I haven't call my grandma in six months. And there's so much shame, there's so much shame and there's so much guilt about that.

But it's like, no, that's just what it's like up here. And so I like that this person talked about explaining it because there is a difference between an explanation and an excuse.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: And I think the difference there is, OK well, you know that this happens. What are you doing about it? I can tell you, like from my own lived experience, I do this a lot. I'm a person who has like a lot of different friend groups, which is also really common in people with ADHD. Because we do that thing, "Oh l'm going to be a magician for a year" or "I'm going to, you know, get really into..." I don't know, I keep saying roller derby, but that's the dream.

Cate: Yeah, I've always wanted to.

Cate: Yeah. Then you wind up with like, you know, your magician friends and your roller derby friends and your circus friends and your, you know, like Doctor Who friends or whatever, and they don't necessarily know each other or interact. And so, you're sort of cycling through these friend groups and it can make you feel like a bad friend. I... This is not scientific, Understood.org, I'm sorry for saying it like this, but I really do feel like people with ADHD experience friendship differently, just from like the way that our lives tend to be shaped.

And so, being aware of it, that's the first step. But the second step is going, OK, I'm really trying to use this as an explanation so my friends understand and they know what's going on with me. But then the second step is, well, what am I going to do about it? If I know that this thing is hurting my partner or my friends, or they're getting frustrated because I just ghost them for months at a time, you have a couple of options.

The first option is find friends who don't care, which I have done. I have a lot of friends who they disappear in my life for like a month and then they go, goodbye. And then like a year later they pop back up and it's great. I love it. It's like having like little surprise friends. But I also have friends who have been friends with for 15, 20 years at this point, you know, And with those people, I do a lot of intentional work and a lot of purposeful planning to make sure that the people who are important to me know that they are important and feel important in my life.

On the back end of things, it looks really silly. For me, what it looks like is I have reminders set up on my phone. I'm not even joking. I have reminders where it's like, "Hey, you haven't talked to Kelly in a while. Make sure that you talk to Kelly and see how she's doing." Or, you know, I have so many different group chats with like just different conversations going on all the time.

And so, you know, it's the same thing "Have you check the group chat. Hey, it's this person's birthday" or "Hey, their kid is going to be, you know, graduating first grade this month. So, make sure that you reach out" like I do that I really purposefully plan.

I also don't mind telling you that this is something that really affected me and my husband because my husband is the same way. My husband does not have ADHD and he would just be like, I don't understand. You know, I'm trying to get a hold of you. And especially because we're living long distance right now. And so, what we had to do was just schedule time.

We talked about our needs, what are our expectations for communication? And, you know, he told me he's like, "It would really mean a lot to me if you just texted me a couple of times a day, you know, just like check-in and just say hi. I just, I miss you a lot. You're not around." And I'm like, "That's so sweet," right?

Margie: It's nice. Yeah.

Cate: But so what I did is I put a reminder on my computer.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: I have, like, a little thing that pops up that says "Hey, have you texted him lately?" And I feel like I'm maybe blowing this up into a larger proportion than it needs to. But I've talked about this before, and people get really judgy when I tell them that.

Margie: Really?

Cate: Yeah. People get really stinky about having a system like that because, well, then you're not really a good friend or you don't really love him or like, you must be a sociopath because you can't keep friends or like, like people say terrible things to you on the Internet, right?

Margie: Right.

Cate: But again, I just really feel like it's part of the experience of being in a healthy relationship with ADHD.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: Is that radical honesty, that radical vulnerability and saying, OK, if I know that I forget to call my mom, that I'm going to call her every Sunday at 7:00.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: You know, or whatever the thing may be. But I think the takeaway that I would like you, dear listener, to take from this is that you're not a bad person for struggling with this stuff. And it's so much more common, it's so much more common than we talk about or acknowledge, because I think there's a lot of shame around, like forgetting that your partner exists or forgetting to call your mom for months at a time or, you know, like that kind of thing.

And so, if you're struggling with that, like one, I mean this post alone is, I could have written that post, right? Like you're not alone, but you can also do a lot of things on the back end to support yourself that you don't necessarily ever have to be public about. I'm public about it because I have no shame and it's my job as an ADHD educator. But you can have like a secret Google calendar of like text reminders. It's OK.

Margie: Yeah, I think it's more than OK. I think it's actually like the opposite of what people might think. I think it's very kind of you to be doing that. It means that you care so much that you've delegated this executive function out and now you're able to actually contact people.

Cate: Well, Margie, if you were a really good friend, you would just remember.

Margie: Yeah. No, if he wanted to, he would.

Cate: And that's it. You know what I mean? Like that's the thing people get so like in their head about that and it drives me nuts because I'm like...

Margie: Yeah. It's brain difference. Yeah.

Cate: It's brain difference. You got to work for your brain and schedules and reminders work really well for me, so.

Margie: Yeah. All right. Putting my producer hat on for a sec, we're at time. We can't keep going.

Cate: Oh no. Well, I want more, though.

Margie: I have, like, so much more on this one Google Doc, so maybe we should do another sometime.

Cate: Yeah, I wouldn't be mad. These are great.

Margie: This was really fun.

(34:28) Talking about what gives us shame helps everyone

Cate: I feel like also, I don't know. I don't want to like soapbox whimsically too much, but it's so wild to me how many experiences are so similar, right? And how so many women with ADHD you experience these same things, but we're not talking about them and we're keeping them inside and we're internalizing them. And we're putting so much like judgments and like, "I'm bad" and, you know, all of these different things. And it's like, no, a quick scroll through Reddit, you're not alone.

Margie: Oh yeah.

Cate: And that's why I'm so happy to have this show and like work with Understood and the work that you guys are doing because it's like, it's important that we name this stuff. It's important that we sort of shine a light on it.

Margie: Yeah.

Cate: Because I think it just makes it better for the whole community to just be like, "Yeah, that's the thing. It's cool."

Margie: Yeah. Keeping it under wraps doesn't help anyone. And everyone's like, "I'm so weird for thinking this. No one else thinks this." Go to ADHD Women Reddit, they're thinking it. It's happening.

Cate: Also, hey Margie, if they want to join the "MissUnderstood" ADHD community, how do they do that?

Margie: Yeah, well, you could write into any of our emails. So, there's currently four shows on the "MissUnderstood" podcast channel. This one, obviously, "Sorry, I Missed This," so that would be the sorryImissedthis@understood.org email. You could write to us. I'm there reading it talking to Cate about any messages we get in. And we're on Spotify, Apple podcasts, you can always like leave a little comment on Spotify if you want.

We also have a Facebook group. I think it's called something like Support for women with ADHD by understood.org where there's tons of conversation happening as well.

Cate: It's great. And the podcasters, we're in there, we check in often. So, if you want to come by and say.

Margie: Our lovely hosts. Yes.

Cate: We'd love it.

Thank you for listening. Anything mentioned in the episode will be linked in the show notes with more resources. Have a question, comment, burning story you'd like to share? Email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.

"Sorry, I Missed This" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ash Beecher is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. I'm your host, Cate Osborn. Thank you so much for listening.

Oh hey everybody. Welcome back to The Infinite Quest! No, that’s the other podcast I do.