ADHD and: The holiday hustle

Many women feel pressure to create the “perfect” holiday season. From decorating and hosting to gift-giving, all while staying cheerful and calm. But for some women with ADHD, these expectations can make the holidays feel more stressful than joyful.

In this episode, Dr. Monica Johnson shares how common ADHD symptoms like trouble focusing and managing time can make the holidays feel overwhelming. Hear why some women have a hard time managing tasks and their emotions during what should be a season filled with joy. And learn practical ways to tackle holiday stress. 

We love to hear from our listeners. Email us at podcast@understood.org.

Related resources

• 11 ADHD holiday tips

• Understood.org’s 2024 Neurodiversity and the Holidays Survey

Timestamps

(00:33) How holiday pressures affect women with ADHD

(01:09) What holiday stress can look like in women

(02:10) Ways having ADHD can impact holiday stress

(03:04) How sensory overload plays a role

(04:48) Effective strategies for reducing holiday stress

Episode transcript

Dr. J: The holidays can feel like a marathon of expectations, especially for women with ADHD who often take on the role of making everything special for their loved ones. This is "ADHD and," where we talk about everyday life and ADHD. I'm Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with people with ADHD. Today we're talking about ADHD and the holiday hustle.

(00:33) How holiday pressures affect women with ADHD

Around the holidays, women often face incredible societal pressure that can have a negative impact on their mental and emotional well-being. These pressures stem from cultural norms, gender expectations, and consumer-driven messaging. Research consistently shows that women experience higher levels of holiday stress when compared to men.

Women are often more involved in planning, organizing, and managing holiday responsibilities, such as buying gifts, cooking, decorating, and caring for family members. This holiday, labor creates additional emotional and physical burdens for women, leading to increased stress and burnout.

(01:09) What holiday stress can look like in women

So, let's get into some of the ways the pressure to create the perfect holiday can look. Women are often expected to take on the role of holiday planner: decorating the home, preparing meals, and hosting gatherings. The pressure to create a festive and warm environment is often seen as a reflection of your homemaking skills, which can feel really overwhelming.

Beyond logistical planning, women often take on the emotional labor of ensuring that everyone in the family is happy, comfortable, and connected. This can include managing the emotions of others, smoothing over conflicts, and keeping the holiday spirit alive, which can lead to burnout.

Professional women might experience stress balancing work responsibilities, so this can be things like end-of-the-year deadlines or holiday rush in some sectors with the expectations of being present and involved with family activities.

The mental load of juggling, work, holiday preparation, and family expectations can be significant, and this is simply a few of the ways that it can be difficult for women in general.

(02:10) Ways having ADHD can impact holiday stress

So, if you're a woman with ADHD, this pressure can amplify existing challenges like focus and organization. ADHD often affects executive function, so this includes things like organizing tasks, prioritizing, and time management.

Planning for the holidays, whether it's preparing meals, buying gifts, or organizing events can be chaotic and disorganized. The pressure to be the perfect planner is heightened when ADHD makes it hard to keep track of details or deadlines.

Women with ADHD may find themselves procrastinating on holiday preparations, which can lead to last-minute stress and scrambling. This can make it harder to meet societal expectations around gift-giving, hosting, and holiday planning. The sheer number of tasks to accomplish during the holidays can feel paralyzing for someone with ADHD, leading to decision fatigue and an inability to get started at all.

(03:04) How sensory overload plays a role

Something that isn't always mentioned is sensory overload. Holiday gatherings can be noisy, crowded, and filled with sensory stimuli. So, bright lights, loud conversations, and strong smells. For women with ADHD who may already have heightened sensory sensitivity, this can result in sensory overload, leading to stress, anxiety, and even the need to withdraw from social situations, which doesn't help with the internalized guilt and shame that is often present.

Women with ADHD often compare themselves to others feeling inadequate for not being able to manage holiday responsibilities as easily as others seem to. This can lead to feelings of guilt and shame, especially if they feel that they've let others down by not meeting their holiday expectations.

And remember that ADHD can fuel perfectionistic tendencies where women feel the need to compensate for their struggles by being even more perfect. When they fall short of these unrealistic expectations, it can result in self-criticism and lower self-esteem. Go back and listen to my episode on ADHD and perfectionism for more information on this topic.

As a result, many women with ADHD mask or try to hide their symptoms in order to appear more organized, composed, and together. This can be particularly draining during the holidays, when societal pressure to appear perfect is at its peak, resulting in deeper exhaustion by the end of the season. Now, before you decide to totally opt out of this holiday season, let me give you a few tips to make this year more manageable. Budgeting during the holidays is crucial for reducing financial anxiety, which can often be a significant source of stress.

(04:48) Effective strategies for reducing holiday stress

Here are some effective strategies to manage holiday spending and keep financial worries at bay. Please set a holiday budget. Assess your finances. So, start by reviewing your current financial situation and determining how much you can realistically spend on holiday-related expenses without compromising your regular budget. So, this includes your bills, savings, etcetera.

Make a list and prioritize. Similar to Santa, I'm going to need you to make a list and check it twice. Make a detailed list of the people that you need to buy gifts for. Prioritize those who are closest to you and allocate more of your gift budget to them. And in case I'm not being clear enough, yes, you are going to have to decide in advance how much you're willing to spend on each person. Be realistic about how much you can afford and don't feel pressured to overspend.

Having a gift list helps to avoid impulsive spending, so please stick to your lists when shopping to prevent overspending on unnecessary items. To drive this point home further, I often recommend the use of cash or debit cards instead of credit. Using credit cards for holiday shopping can lead to overspending because it's really easy to lose track of how much money you've spent. Whenever possible, use cash or debit cards to make it easier to stick to your budget.

Some people find it helpful to use an envelope system for holiday spending. So, basically with this, you withdraw the total amount of your budget in cash and divide it into spending category envelopes. So, this can be things like gifts, food, decorations, etc.. Once the envelope is empty, you're done spending in that category.

The last thing I want to mention in this arena is that you don't need to spend money on gifts. We've all been broke and on a limited budget, and it doesn't make sense to go into debt for the holiday season. Homemade gives can be a thoughtful and budget-friendly option. So, this can be things like baking treats, crafting personalized items, or creating a photo album. All of these are meaningful gifts that often carry more sentimental value than store-bought ones.

Instead of material gifts, consider giving experiences such as planning a day together or a home-cooked meal. This can be less expensive and more memorable. Managing family stress during the holidays can be especially challenging for women with ADHD, but with some mindful strategies, it's possible to create a more enjoyable and less overwhelming experience.

Here are some ADHD-related tips to help navigate family dynamics and reduce stress.

Plan ahead and set boundaries. The first thing I'll mention here is to create a schedule. Use a calendar or planner to map out holiday events and family gatherings in advance. This helps to avoid last-minute stress and make sure that you have enough time to prepare.

Next, you really want to set boundaries, so you want to be clear about your limits. Decide which events you'll attend and how long you'll stay. It's OK to say no to some things and also to leave early if you're feeling overwhelmed. Along with this, schedule downtime. Plan time to recharge between events. Taking breaks even for just a few minutes can help with burnout. If you don't engage in self-care during this time, you're just setting yourself up to have a slow start in the new year.

You also want to prepare for emotional sensitivity. ADHD can heighten emotional responses to perceived rejection or criticism. Prepare for potentially difficult conversations by reminding yourself that family dynamics can be stressful for everyone. If family conversations tend to trigger anxiety, plan neutral, polite responses in advance to deflect personal or uncomfortable topics. This can be literally writing out scripts or responses to the frequently aggravating dynamics that we all have in our family systems.

Lastly, I want to say that it's OK to celebrate on your terms. Adjust holiday traditions to fit your needs. Whether it's celebrating in a quieter way or creating new traditions to suit your ADHD brain, give yourself permission to make all of these changes.

Embracing flexibility and having compassion for yourself can lead to more enjoyable holiday experiences. This holiday season, let's focus on connection over perfection. That's it for this episode of "ADHD and." What's one way that you're going to prioritize yourself this holiday season? Let me know.

Thank you for joining me on this episode, and I'd love for you to subscribe to our YouTube channel for more.

This show is brought to you by understood.org, a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org.

"ADHD and" is produced by Tara Drinks and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our video producer is Calvin Knie. Ash Beecher is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our audio engineer and music composer is Justin D. Wright. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Dr. J.