Summertime and friendship

Breaks from school can sometimes mean breaks from other kids. This can be hard for kids with learning and thinking differences. 

What are some ways to avoid “summer slide” when it comes to social skills and time with friends? And what are some ways to see kids in the summer, when the friends we usually see are not around?

In this episode of In It, Gretchen Vierstra and Rachel Bozek welcome Dr. Kristin Carothers, a clinical psychologist and Understood expert. 

Listen for tips on helping your child maintain their social skills. And learn easy ways for your child to spend time with other kids.

Related resources

• 4 skills for making friends

• Why some kids have trouble making friends

• Summer guide for families

• National Night Out

Episode transcript

Gretchen: Hello and welcome to "In It," a podcast about the ins and outs…

Rachel: The ups and downs…

Gretchen: Of supporting kids who learn and think differently. I'm Gretchen Vierstra.

Rachel: And I'm Rachel Bozek. We're between seasons right now, but we're putting out the occasional bonus episode throughout the summer, and this is one of those.

Gretchen: Today we want to tackle a topic that's kind of been bubbling up among families who we know are in it, and that is how can we support our kids who struggle with social interactions in the summer, when some of the social scaffolding we rely on is not in place?

Rachel: School's out, afterschool sports and clubs are on hold, and lots of people are away. So, if your child isn't enrolled in camp or another program, this time could be really isolating.

Gretchen: To help us strategize what to do during these stretches, we've invited Doctor Kristin Carothers to give us a few tips.

Rachel: Kristin is a clinical psychologist and expert contributor here at Understood. We've had her on the podcast before and we're delighted to have her back again. Kristin, welcome back to "In It."

Kristin: So happy to be here.

Gretchen: Yay! So Kristin, we hear the term "summer slide" a lot to refer to learning loss that can happen during the summer months. Is there such a thing as summer slide when it comes to social skills?

Kristin: I think we could say that we are all experiencing a bit of a slide in terms of our social skills, but specifically for kids, the summer months may be hard if they're isolated or if they don't have formal, structured activities.

But I think as adults, one of the things that we can try to remember is that when we were at home during the pandemic, and we weren't accustomed to coming to work in person — and some of us may still not be accustomed to coming to work in person — we may have also experienced a bit of a slide in our social skills. So, we can really understand how the same thing can happen for kids in the summer months.

Rache: So, our online chats or games an OK substitute for in-person socializing, if that's something that a kid is doing a little more of in the summer, which I think we, some of us see?

Kristin: I think that online games and chats can be one form of socialization, but they shouldn't be our primary form of socialization. So, I still think it's really important for kids to have some of that face-to-face, in-person interaction. But in the absence of that, I think it is really nice when kids can maintain friendships, when kids can engage in activities online with friends that they may not be able to see because friends are in different places for the summer months. It's just that we don't want to use the online gaming or online activities as our primary mode of socialization.

Gretchen: OK. Follow up to that, what about kids who, often FaceTime each other, like video calls? You see somebody else, right? Like their face and their hand motions. Like, does that count as socializing?

Kristin:I think it absolutely counts. I happen to have a child who does that almost every single night, whether or not we are in the city or traveling. He and his friends FaceTime and they do Roblox together, and it's a nice way for them to keep in touch. And I also think that when they are in person, there are other things that they can do. So, there are more physical activities, they may play baseball together, maybe they play basketball, and being in person and having some of that physical interaction helps to build some other skills.

Gretchen: So, then what are some other suggestions you have for ways kids can get some of that in-person action in the summertime when school is out?

Kristin: So, another way for kids to get some action if they're not in formal day camps already, is to try to engage at summer activities that might be happening in your town or city. So, for instance, I know here in Atlanta we have something called the Jazz Fest, which just like Piedmont Park is open. I know that in New York there are different festivals that happen. And sometimes when you go to those things, you unintentionally meet people you don't know just because you're sitting near them.

It's a good time for parents to model social skills. So, saying hello to somebody that you might put your blanket next to. They have kids encouraging your kids to introduce themselves to those kids. Bringing a pack of Uno cards or ball along with you so that kids can engage with other kids who might be bored or not have anything to do, is a nice way to have some additional social interactions.

I also like opportunities to maybe go to the pool if there are community pools in your area. Visiting places that have free days for museums is another nice way because I think that way you get lots of different people who are coming to engage because the museum is free. I know in New York you have the benefit of being able to go to places like the Natural History Museum without paying, but in other cities, museums cost. And so, taking advantage of those free days when other families and other kids are going to be outside is really important.

Rachel: One thing that came to mind when you were giving us those great suggestions is National Night Out. It just like popped into my head, but I feel like at the beginning of, yeah, at the beginning of August, right?

Kristin: Oh, I don't know about that.

Rachel: It's, a lot of cities do it and it's just kind of like a big hang at a local park. And it's always free and there's music and activities and they'll have some kind of, you know, quick food, like some hot dogs and popcorn and stuff like that. And I feel like it's a nice way for kids to maybe run into kids that they go to school with, who they might not be at the level of like, "Oh, let's hang out." But then once they see each other on this random day in the summer, maybe that would help precipitate some of that for the next couple of weeks.

Gretchen: Yeah, yeah, that sounds awesome.

Kristin: I agree. And the other thing that happens is when we run into people and friends outside, it also provides good opportunities for parents to meet each other and for parents to connect and get each other's contact information so that you can follow up with playdates or activities outside of that setting.

I think as our kids grow in age, we're not always connected as parents, to the parents of the kids that our kids are with. But if you start this kind of young or when you run into people, it's a nice way for parents to also build partnerships and friendships that could reinforce their kids' social skills.

Rachel: Yeah.

Rachel: Yeah, I agree. And, you know, just throwing out a couple of other things that came to mind when you said all this was, for me, I know in the past, when my kids were younger, I go to the library.

Kristin: Yes.

Rachel: Because the local library had, like, storytime or like a craft table, or they might even have like Read A Dog's Day — I forget what it's called, but, you know, so the kids could meet other kids in town that way.

Kristin: I think the library is a great example because everybody has a library, right? We might not all have museums, we may not all have festivals, but typically we have community libraries and community libraries, like you said, they have their reading hours and those are nice times to also meet.

Rachel: Yeah.

Kristin: One other thing you might think about doing is a short playdate interaction. Maybe going to get ice cream saying it to another parent "Why don't we go grab ice cream with the kids?" It doesn't have to be a 2 or 3-hour long thing. You go to get ice cream, you eat the ice cream, you talk while you have the ice cream. When ice cream is over, you go home. And so, it doesn't have to be super long interactions. There can be brief, fun activities that you participate in.

Rachel: I really like that because it's not, the pressure also of one kid being like at the other kid's house for the first time. That can be like super stressful on both sides.

Gretchen: And if it doesn't work out, that there's no chemistry between the kids, then so be it. It's over in an hour.

Rachel: And they get ice cream.

Kristin: It's over, you get to go home. And you got ice cream, and you did too. You get ice cream too.

Gretchen: That's right.

Rachel: So, for anyone who has a child who's really anxious about social interactions, I imagine some kind of practice or role-playing might be helpful. Can you walk us through how that might work?

Kristin: Sure. So, I know that with the advent of the summer months, kids can sometimes be accustomed to doing one thing every summer. And when they are in a position where maybe that thing is going to change, they may be apprehensive or worried about not knowing anybody, about whether or not people will be nice to them. And so, one thing that parents can do is first validate and acknowledge that the worry is normal and natural.

We also feel apprehensive when we're going into new situations and settings, and it's really important to engage in a lot of self-talk. "I know this might be hard. This may make me feel nervous, and it's OK to feel nervous. I'm going to try to make a friend, or maybe I'll see somebody I know, or if I don't see somebody I know. This is a good opportunity to make a new friend."

And I think also taking some pressure away from making friends. Like every place you go, you don't have to make a friend. Sometimes you just meet somebody and they're fun to hang out with in that setting, and it makes things a little bit better. So, when we go on vacation, we may run into people with kids. We talk to them on vacation, we might come to the pool at the same time, and then we may never see those people again in life. But what we learn is, is OK to engage with people. We are social beings.

So, validating that the kids will worry, acknowledging that you've also experienced similar situations, and then maybe saying like "There's no pressure to make a friend, just might be cool to talk to somebody," right?

Or even modeling how to introduce yourselves. "My name is so-and-so. What? How old are you? I'm nine. Where do you go to school? Do you play any sports? I play this sport" or "I haven't played sports this year, but next year I want to do this," right? So, just giving kids some kind of canned questions or statements that they can use when they enter those settings, not sessions, could be helpful.

Gretchen: I really think the canned responses are practicing like small talk.

Kristin: Small talk, chit-chat.

Gretchen: Because let's say, small talk doesn't come easy to everyone, right?

Kristin: Chit-chat is a skill that has to be learned. And chit-chat can be really overwhelming. As a parent, I'll say, when we start a new sport, I'm like "Ugh, now I have to figure out what to chit-chat with these other parents."

Gretchen: Oh my God, I totally agree with that.

Kristin: So, we can identify with our kids trying to figure out, "Oh, how do I chit-chat with somebody? Or how do I come across as quote-unquote normal?" It can be really a struggle, especially for kids who struggle with attention, or impulsivity to try to figure out "How can I present my best self without giving too much." And it's a lot to think about.

Rachel: Yeah, And it can be exhausting.

Gretchen: Yes, it can be exhausting. So, any other final suggestions for families trying to help keep the kids' social skills up over the summer?

Kristin: I think my suggestion is to try to sometimes put the screens down and to engage with other people. As parents, sometimes it's hard to engage because we have to work and do other things. But think of something that you enjoy, a hobby or sport or activity that. You enjoy as a parent, bring your kid along in hopes that you'll meet other families or parents who also enjoy the same things and are bringing their kids along.

So, I like love live music. So, one of the things that I'm going to try to do this summer is bring my kid along to a live music performance that's family-friendly. I love the pool, so I'm going to try to bring my kid along to the pool and get in and have them play with other kids. Even bringing extra toys when you go to activities is a great way to engage other kids so that your kids can practice a social skill.

Gretchen: I always used to encourage my kids to bring along a game that they might be able to play with others that they see, and.

Kristin: I love that.

Gretchen: Especially if you're waiting in line for something in the summer. Having a card game to play.

Kristin: Is such a good idea. Just having a deck of cards in your backpack, purse, whatever, can be helpful.

Rachel: Yes, and there's now all of the waterproof pool-friendly card games too.

Kristin: Oh, that's so cool.

Rachel: It's like, they're like, clear plastic Uno cards. And I'm sure there's lot of other cards, but I only care about Uno.

Kristin: I didn't know about that either. I love it.

Rachel: Oh, I think this has been great. These are some really helpful tips.

Kristin: Thank you guys so much. This was really fun to talk about.

Rachel: Thanks so much for listening today. If you have any thoughts about the episode, we'd love to hear from you. You can email us at init@understood.org

Gretchen: And check out the show notes for this episode, where we have more resources and links to anything we mentioned.

Rachel: This show is brought to you by Understood.org Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org

Gretchen: "In It" is produced and edited by Julie Subrin, with additional production support from Cody Nelson and Ilana Millner. Justin D. Wright mixes the show and Mike Ericco wrote our theme music. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

Rachel: From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. Thanks for listening.

Gretchen: And thanks for always being in it with us.