The importance of positive self-esteem for kids
Positive self-esteem gives kids the confidence to face challenges and to ask for help. Learn about positive self-esteem and get tips to help kids build it.
Updated August 21, 2024
Self-esteem is how much people value themselves and how important they believe they are in their world. Positive self-esteem is when people feel good about themselves. Learn more about positive self-esteem, why it matters, and ways you can help your child build it.
Why positive self-esteem is important for kids
Kids with positive self-esteem feel confident and capable. They value themselves and their abilities. They’re proud of the things they can do and want to try their best.
When kids are confident and secure about who they are, they’re more likely to have a growth mindset. That means they can motivate themselves to take on new challenges. They can cope with and learn from mistakes. They’re also more likely to stand up for themselves and ask for help when they need it.
How kids develop positive self-esteem
Kids develop positive self-esteem by working hard toward a goal and seeing their hard work pay off over and over again. Accomplishing things shows them they have what it takes to face new challenges. Their success makes them feel good about themselves. And they learn that it’s even OK to fail.
When kids do well at something, it also pleases other people, like their friends and the adults who care about them. That feedback also makes them feel good. And over time, they continue to build positive self-esteem.
When kids have positive self-esteem, they:
Feel respected
Are resilient and feel proud even when they make a mistake
Have a sense of control over activities and events in their life
Act independently
Take responsibility for their actions
Are comfortable and secure in forming relationships
Have the courage to make good decisions, even in the face of peer pressure
How negative self-esteem impacts kids
Many kids have trouble building and maintaining positive self-esteem, for lots of reasons. One common reason is when kids struggle in school.
If kids experience failure in school, they probably don’t get a lot of positive feedback from adults or their classmates. The feedback they do get is often negative. They’re constantly hearing about the things they didn’t do well.
In some cases, they might get positive feedback that’s not sincere. This can make them mistrust the adults who are supposed to be helping them. Or they might become wary of the kids who are supposed to be their “friends.”
As a result, they can feel less sure of themselves and their abilities. They may not feel motivated to try things that are hard for them, and have a tough time dealing with mistakes. Deep down, they may not believe they’re worthy of good treatment or success.
Kids who have negative self-esteem may also:
Feel frustrated, angry, anxious, or sad
Lose interest in learning
Have a hard time making and keeping friends
Be more likely to be teased or bullied
Become withdrawn or give in to peer pressure
Develop self-defeating ways to deal with challenges, like quitting, avoidance, silliness, and denial
Kids with negative self-esteem can also have a harder time standing up for themselves. In other words, they have trouble developing strong self-advocacy skills.
How to help build positive self-esteem
Kids can learn to improve how they see and value themselves. Being a supportive, realistic — but not overprotective — parent or caregiver is key. Asking teachers to be supportive but realistic is important, too.
Praise kids in ways that teach them to be proud of their efforts and accomplishments. But don’t lavish praise on everything they do. Kids know when they’ve been successful and worked hard — and when they haven’t.
Friendship is a big part of building positive self-esteem, too. Just having one friend who accepts you for who you are can make all the difference.
Use these resources to help build self-esteem:
Learn how to give praise that builds self-esteem.
Help your child discover strengths.
Guide your child to set a “competence anchor” to build self-esteem.
Podcast: Supporting self-esteem in kids
Learn more about self-esteem in this 10-minute episode of Understood’s Opportunity Gap podcast. The host, Julian Saavedra, is an assistant principal and father of two. Listen as he gives practical tips on how to praise kids who learn and think differently and teach them to take pride in their efforts.
