Tips from an ADHD Coach: Coping skills with consequences

Do you sometimes feel like you don’t have control over your life? Are there things you turn to in order to feel better that end up hurting you in the long run? Some coping skills, like impulsive spending, can make us feel like we have control over our lives in the moment. But, they end up harming us in the future and starting a cycle of powerlessness.

ADHD coach Jaye Lin reacts to a quote on impulsive spending. Listen for Jaye’s take on borrowing control from the future, and some tips that can help.

Have a challenge you’d like Jaye to talk about in an episode? Email us at ADHDCoachTips@understood.org.

Related resources

• Ellyce’s ADHD Aha! episode, The pain of struggling with basic tasks: ADHD in the pandemic

• 5 tips to help teens and young adults manage money

• ADHD and emotions

Timestamps

(00:42) Ellyce’s quote

(02:00) Jaye’s reaction

(03:44) How “borrowing” control from the future can lead to a powerlessness cycle

(05:22) What can we do?

(09:19) How ADHD can affect our sense of control

(15:03) The power of self-kindness

Episode transcript

Jaye: Do you sometimes feel like you don't have any control over how or where your life is going? Are there behaviors or vices that you turn to in order to cope with those feelings of powerlessness? Do those coping methods end up hurting you in the end?

This is "Tips from an ADHD Coach" and I'm your coach, Jaye Lin. Today we're talking about how coping methods like impulsive spending can help us through difficult feelings in the moment, but create consequences in our future. We're going to hear from Ellyce, who was on another Understood.org podcast, "ADHD Aha!," on the factors that encouraged her impulsive spending.

(00:42) Ellyce's quote

Ellyce: So, I was impulsively booking trips all the time. I was impulsively just shopping. I was a student, keep in mind, so I did not have the means to do so. But I wrote about this in my book actually, how I feel like that was an area that even though it was impulsive, I felt in control. That was a decision that I felt in control of.

And because the rest of my life felt very out of control and I felt like, I don't know, I just didn't fit in and things weren't working. I was doing well, but it always just kind of felt like I wasn't getting it and I didn't know what that was.

And so for me, spending became this form of I was making those decisions, I was in control of it, and I would feel something every time. So, I would get a dopamine hit and I would feel good. It made me feel good. So, when I was feeling so bad in every other area of my life, that was one area that I felt good about. I obviously didn't feel good about the debt, and I didn't feel good about, you know, after the fact, looking at like, why did I buy this thing? But in the moment, I think that was where a lot of it came from.

(02:00) Jaye's reaction

Jaye: I am so in awe of the self-awareness Ellyce has right here. It is so easy to just discount what is happening as being impulsive because with ADHD, we can have higher rates of impulsivity in general. But Ellyce really drills down to what the impulsive spending was doing for her and why she kept doing it.

I don't think this will surprise anyone with ADHD, but ADHD can make our lives more chaotic. There are so many ways that having ADHD can make us feel like we don't have the freedom and control to make our lives what we want them to be. With all the ways having ADHD can make us feel powerless, it's not surprising that Ellyce used her impulsive spending to feel like she has some control, and that this was something she could decide to do.

It was a way for her to take her interests and intentions and actually follow through on them. She wanted to go on a vacation, so she booked a trip. She had a hard time cooking for herself, which is really frustrating, so she went out to dinner at a restaurant. Her impulsive spending was directly tied to her need to feel like she was doing something about all these parts of her life, where she would otherwise feel powerless.

In those moments, unfortunately, that feeling of control was always short-lived. Even when looking at practical ways to get out of debt, the options tend to be things that will create more chaos in our lives. Getting a second or third job might help to pay off the debt, but very likely at a cost to wellbeing if there is no longer time to recharge and recover.

Getting more roommates to spend less on rent means less personal space, and probably more pressure to keep the home tidy and presentable. We might opt to get a job or stay in a job that pays more but doesn't quite feel as fulfilling.

(03:44) How "borrowing" control from the future can lead to a powerlessness cycle

The consequence of taking those bits of control was that she was borrowing from the control she would feel in the future, which could create a very unpleasant cycle of feeling increasingly more powerless, and then increasing the measures of control she would have to take.

So, if Ellyce was feeling powerless from all the factors in her life, then racks up this debt that she feels powerless to repay, it might make her feel even more powerless, which then might make her impulsively spend more often and more intensely. This borrowing of future control is surprisingly common in the ADHD community. Besides impulsive spending, resorting to drugs and alcohol rage, quitting doomscrolling on social media, and staying up all night to go down an internet rabbit hole are all examples of this.

We want to do something and then we do it, which allows us to feel like we still have some agency, but down the road, it only contributes to the loss of control we feel in our lives, especially when how we feel about it starts to change. Maybe now we have to drink a bottle of wine after work every day, and it's no longer something that we are doing to give ourselves agency. It's taking it away.

Maybe I get mad at myself for staying up all night looking up whether monkeys actually eat bananas because now I'm exhausted and my brain won't let me write the next podcast episode. It may have started as a way to feel like we are back in control, but very often it can turn into the opposite.

(05:22) What can we do?

So, what can we do if we find ourselves resorting to something like Ellyce's impulsive spending, where we are ultimately sacrificing future control to feel a little more of it in the moment? I will first start with what I don't recommend anyone do, and the option I see many of us resort to the most often: pure restriction or telling ourselves "Don't."

Here are some examples of pure restriction I've heard: "I've been polishing off a bottle of wine every day after work, and now I'm no longer going to drink any alcohol "or "I keep doom-scrolling, so I'm going to delete all the social media apps from my phone." Or to use Ellyce's example, "I'm impulsively spending, so now I'm not allowing myself to go on any trips, go out to dinner, or spend any unnecessary money on myself." By the way, she doesn't do that and I'm so glad.

The problem with pure restriction is that this behavior we were resorting to does serve a purpose for us. They're actions that relieved the huge pressure of discomfort and loss of control in our lives. Pressure and feelings can be much more intense and frustrating for us due to emotional dysregulation, so it can feel overwhelming, like suffocating. So, what happens when we just take away the thing we are doing that relieves that pressure?

Very often that pressure, those emotions, that discomfort keeps building and building until there is a breaking point. We can be emotionally wrecked, and very often we come rushing back to what we were doing before as a way to cope. So, if you are in an unwanted cycle of borrowing from future control, here's what I do suggest: Find the things you can do to relieve that pressure that don't borrow from the future.

It might take some serious brainstorming and paying attention to how you respond to things in your life to figure it out, but those things are out there and they're different for every person. For me, taking a long, extremely hot bath and listening to a podcast episode in the dark for 25 minutes makes me feel really intentional and centered. And it doesn't cost me anything. Both in the present and in the future.

Generally, the practice of mindfulness or being present is good for moments when everything feels like it's too much. Sometimes the things I do to relieve that pressure are more specific. At moments when I feel powerless, hopeless, and defeated, I watch "Everything, Everywhere, All at Once" and cry my little face off. Yes, even the crying is intentional. When I do this, the crying helps relieve the tension from all the emotions I'm feeling, and the message inspires me to go after the things I care about again.

Once again, doing this doesn't rob me of my future stability. If anything, it helps with that. I have different movies on hand to address specific feelings I'm having, like "Encanto" when I'm feeling lonely about being different from everyone else, and "Heart and Souls" when I'm dealing with grief and loss. Your movies will probably be different from mine. And that's not only OK, it's wonderful. Find the movies that you find healing to your soul.

If you really can't find a coping method that fits what you need without borrowing from the future, Ellyce's tip from her interview is pretty great. She has an allowance card that only has what she feels good about impulse spending each month. She can't spend over the determined amount, but she can spend within the limit as freely as she wants.

I love this because she isn't putting impossible restrictions on herself, or depriving herself of something that helps with her emotional well-being. She's really just putting up guardrails so she can get what she needs from impulsive spending without the danger of going into excess.

(09:19) How ADHD can affect our sense of control

We can also address the parts of our lives that ADHD can make us feel less in control of. This is where doing work with a therapist and or ADHD coach can allow us to have a better understanding of how our brains work, and create more intentional results from our actions. Here are a few ways ADHD can make us feel powerless. But the strategies to get more deliberate results can vary from person to person. I've added some questions to ask yourself after each of these challenges to help you get started.

Changes in interest and motivating energy can make it harder for us to stay consistent at working toward hobbies, talents, and careers. This can lead us to bounce from one interest to another, one hobby to another, and one job to another, much more often than our non-ADHD peers. Our collecting of tools, books, craft items, and other activity-based clutter can also pile up over time with our changing interests.

Maybe this can feel exciting and fresh, but maybe this can also make us feel like we haven't achieved enough and we aren't where we wanted to be at this point in our lives. But is having changing interests such a terrible thing? And what would our lives need to look like to feel like we are where we are supposed to be? We can also feel like we aren't quite able to fit in because our executive dysfunction, difficulty in regulating our emotions, our sensory sensitivities, and other ADHD traits can lead us to experiencing and reacting to life very differently than other people.

Again, I have to ask whether or not this is such a terrible thing. Thinking and doing things differently can make us feel like we don't fit in, yes. But it can also make us unique and interesting. And we can feel out of control when our intentions don't match up with our actual efforts. If I want to get a good grade on this five-page paper, and I want to start working on it early, how do I feel when I can't get myself to start on it until the night before it's due? Probably like I don't have any say or control in what I'm able to do.

But knowing that our brains kick into super drive with adrenaline in approaching deadlines, is working on something at the last minute, something that we need to feel powerless about? It could also be something we know about ourselves that gives us a good amount of power, knowing that we can be so effective in a short amount of time.

Then, with difficulty managing our time, forgetting things, and having a hard time finishing things, it's really common for us to always feel like we're behind and it's not possible to ever catch up. But do we need to catch up? Or is it OK for us to work toward things at the speed that our brains and bodies allow? What can we take off of our plate to allow us to get the important things done?

These are all factors Ellyce mentioned later on in her interview, but there are a few other ADHD factors that lead to feeling out of control. Our lower dopamine levels often lead our brains to seek more dopamine, so even intense hyperfixation on topics can feel like something we don't have the power to stop. But do we need to? And if hyperfixation is something we don't want to happen, what can we do in those situations to ground us and allow us to be more intentional?

With our lower executive function, prioritizing what we need to do can be really hard. It can feel like everything on our to-do list is a high priority. Everything we need to do is important. Everything has to be done now and it's pretty impossible to do that. This can make us feel like we're being pulled in so many directions, and we're not succeeding at enough. Taking the time to prioritize what we need to do before we just start doing, doing, doing can allow us to feel more deliberate about our actions.

Another way our lives can feel chaotic is that ADHD can have a huge effect on the way we experience emotions. We can have a much bigger emotional response to something than someone else would. It's not about us wanting to be dramatic. It really is that we are experiencing those emotions in a much bigger way than a neurotypical person would.

And then after that flood of emotions hits us, we can have a much harder time processing those emotions. It can be hard to figure out what data those emotions are trying to give us, and why we are feeling that way. And since those emotions feel overwhelmingly big and it's hard to process them, it can be harder for us to return to a less emotional state.

So, how we experience emotions can be pretty chaotic. Those emotions are big and really hard to figure out. And even when we want to no longer feel that way really commonly, we still do. So, what can we communicate to others when we need time to feel and sort through those emotions? What process can we put in place to make the emotional peace more approachable for us?

It can be hard to feel satisfied with what we're doing when we have unrealistic expectations for ourselves. Many of us with ADHD expect greatness from ourselves in every aspect of our lives. Like, if I'm going to cook dinner, it has to be this really cool, really interesting recipe from scratch. If I clean my room, the result has to be absolutely spotless. Perfectly organized and dust-free or it's not worth me even trying.

But if the executive dysfunction of ADHD makes cooking a complex recipe more difficult and makes the process of cleaning my room more intimidating, falling short of greatness is not only more likely, but also pretty devastating. And in moments where we feel like we're constantly dissatisfied with what we've done and who we are. That feeling of powerlessness can grow pretty quickly.

(15:03) The power of self-kindness

It can be so freeing, so relieving to start giving ourselves grace and be compassionate with ourselves, with what we can reasonably do.

I'm a former food truck and restaurant owner. I went to culinary school. I can cook an excellent meal from scratch. And also, there are so many days when I really can't. Sometimes I'm not in a great headspace, or I've used up all of my energy for a busy workweek.

In the past, I would use this as fuel to be mean to myself and feel like I'm not able to do what I want to in life. Being at peace with myself in those days, as I microwave frozen dumplings or heat up a Cup of Noodle, goes a long way in preventing negative self-talk and also preventing the need to reach for something that will borrow from my future agency. Those frozen dumplings are still a form of me taking control over my life and my emotions.

Tackling a tough chore, even when the results won't be perfect, is a deliberate choice I get to make. Scheduling time for me to work on projects close to their deadline is something that makes me feel like I have the power to get it all done when my brain is at its best, and letting go of a previous hobby to make room for another one is something I can do with intention. What makes us feel powerless can also be what makes us feel powerful. All it takes is a change in perspective.

The impact of ADHD can sometimes make us feel powerless, and we can resort to coping methods like impulsive spending in order to feel a tiny, temporary moment of control in our lives. But sometimes that coping method, like impulsive spending, creates even more chaos for us in the future. So, we are establishing control in our lives by borrowing from the control we have in our future.

Pure restriction of that action often has negative outcomes, because we are also restricting ourselves from the benefits of that coping method. But if we establish coping methods that don't cost us anything in the present or future, set guardrails for our current coping methods so they don't hurt us down the line, and have more reasonable expectations for ourselves we can give ourselves the agency that benefits us in life without the harsh consequences.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org.

"Tips from an ADHD Coach" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ilana Millner is our supervising producer, Briana Berry is our production director, and Neil Drumming is our editorial director. For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Jaye Lin. Thanks for listening.