Tips from an ADHD Coach: The downsides of “making it work”

People may assume that an ADHDer doesn’t struggle with something because it looks easy from the outside. Though they may be feeling challenged, they’re masking, or “making it work,” to get something done. 

ADHD coach Jaye Lin reacts to a quote about how “making it work” can lead to anxiety and depression. It can also make it easy to dismiss your own needs for support and accommodations. Listen for some tips that can help.

Have a challenge you’d like Jaye to talk about in an episode? Email or send a voice memo to us at adhdcoachtips@understood.org.

Related resources

• ADHD and the “model minority” mask (Emily’s story)

• Masking my ADHD at work was exhausting, so I stopped

Timestamps

(00:42) Emily’s quote

(02:24) Jaye’s reaction

(03:40) Pressure to mask due to shame

(05:54) When others make assumptions about you because you’re masking

(08:33) Why we might have a hard time asking for help

(10:18) What can we do when we find ourselves in this masking trap?

(14:32) Recap

Episode transcript

Jaye: Have other people assumed that you don't struggle with ADHD challenges because you work so hard to make it look easy? What effect has that had on your mental health?

This is "Tips from an ADHD coach," and I'm your coach, Jaye Lin. Today we're talking about how being able to make it work can sometimes invalidate the challenges we face as ADHD women and prevent us from getting the support we need. We're going to hear from Emily, who was on another Understood.org podcast, "ADHD Aha!," about how their coping methods have led to anxiety and depression while also dismissing their needs for support and accommodations.

(00:42) Emily’s quote

Emily: So, I didn't think that I was necessarily neurotypical before pure work but I was only labeled with like certain labels like depression and anxiety. So, I was only diagnosed with ADHD quite recently, like in the past couple of years. And I think because I was sort of punished for a lot of the symptoms that I exhibited from ADHD, I hid a lot of it, or I built up different structures in my life to just cope with it. And was just like compulsively trying to organize myself because I felt really awful any time that I let anyone down with my dysfunction of not being able to remember things.

So, now I have like spreadsheets upon spreadsheets and lists upon lists, just trying to get to that point where I can be accountable for my own actions. And people don't have to be like let down by me all the time, which I've definitely felt a lot when I was younger. I felt all this weight of expectations. I felt like if I acted out, like if I was fidgeting with anything, it was a bad thing and I would be punished for it.

And so, I just really contained myself, even though it was like sometimes physically painful to sit still. And I just did everything that was expected of me because I, I just felt like there would be severe consequences to not just myself, but like the people that I love if I didn't. And I think later on it took me so long to take off that mask. It was like permanently on my face.

But that sort of high functioning, quote-unquote, which I think is a really harmful term, like a high functioning aspect that I was demonstrating, was used to deny me support. That was like "You're too smart to have ADHD, too intelligent to like need support. Like, why aren't you working up to your full potential?" And that was just so distressing.

(02:24) Jaye’s reaction

Jaye: There were so many aspects of the experience Emily shared in that episode that resonated with me. I wish I could include all of them, but it would take up this entire episode. Emily and I were both born Asian to parents who had to overcome a lot to provide us with privilege growing up, and the expectations to be a model minority have been pretty high. It's kind of a societal norm for us Asians to be obedient, intelligent, successful, and hard-working, which can be harder to do with ADHD. So, we have to work really hard just to meet normal expectations.

Like Emily, masking and overcompensating reduces my access to support and accommodations because I seem to be doing fine or even great without them on the surface, but at a cost to my mental health. And that denying of support and accommodations isn't just something others do. I am very often the person who denies accommodations, support, and compassion to myself, which is something I will probably have to work on for the rest of my life.

(03:40) Pressure to mask due to shame

Most of the later diagnosed ADHD humans I know managed to slip under the radar of detection and diagnosis because we have developed coping methods in order to mimic how a neurotypical acts. This usually happens after experiencing the pain of punishment or disappointment from others from ways our ADHD has shown up when we were kids.

If we were scolded and shamed for moving around a lot when parents and other authority figures wanted us to sit quietly still, many of us found ways to make ourselves sit still, commonly through anxiety and shame. And like Emily mentioned, the fear of disappointing others causes them to keep a ton of lists and spreadsheets to make sure they don't let others down, which takes a lot of time to put together.

So, Emily's fear of disappointing others greatly takes away from the time they have to get other things done. In fact, shame and fear are common threads that go through our coping strategies, both in why we mask and how we mask. But what happens when fear and shame power, how we act, how we get things done, and how we generally go through life? Well, it can become a central part of who we are. Which is why anxiety disorders and depression are such common coexisting conditions with ADHD.

For a lot of girls and women, there are even greater measures needed in order to mask for ADHD and a greater pressure to mask the ADHD because of societal expectations. In many settings, boys can be boys and can be rowdy and outspoken, while girls cannot. Unfortunately, women are still expected to be the caretakers of the household. A lot of society expects more consistent and reliable parenting from mothers than they do of fathers.

It's often seen as disappointing to be a woman who isn't a good cook, doesn't keep a tidy home, and isn't organized, while men don't seem to face the same scrutiny. It's definitely unfair that more executive function, consistency, and organization are expected from women than from men. What's also unfair is that there are even more consequences for masking our ADHD and making it work on the surface.

(05:54) When others make assumptions about you because you’re masking

When we mask the difficulty we face in our lives, the people around us might not think we need support and they might not realize how hard we are working for something they consider a small thing. Another ADHD coach once told me, "I can't possibly understand what it's like to have emotional dysregulation because I'm always, quote, so logical and levelheaded." This shocked me because I've had a long history of being emotionally explosive and being told I'm too dramatic.

This person made an assumption based on how I've interacted with them. People I've only known the past few years don't see the extreme effort I take on on a daily basis in order to not take my emotional dysregulation out on others. And they can be a lot more cruel to me than they would towards someone who is outwardly, emotionally disregulated.

When others don't see our difficulty and the extreme effort we put into making it work, they can assume it's easy. They also might not feel like they need to chip in to help us and that it's fine for them to continue letting us do it. Because I was an admin at Google, I have experience doing a lot of executive function-heavy tasks. And to the other ADHD professionals I work with these days, this often translates to them expecting me to do all the grunt work whenever we work together and then they'll just come in and do the fun stuff and take credit.

They know that this stuff is hard for them, but I seem to do it so well, so they assume it isn't hard for me. But it is hard for me. It takes a lot out of me to do executive function, heavy logistical work. So, they think we're doing the same amount of work, but we're not. I am doing all the hard work.

This is also where something known as weaponized incompetence comes in. They will say that because I do a tedious task better than them, I should always do it because the result will be better. As long as their results are seen as worse than mine, they won't have to do the hard work. I'll go ahead and say it, a lot of times it's obvious they didn't even try and intentionally did crappy work, so I will be stuck doing it instead.

This makes me really resentful and mad because it's obvious they care more about them not doing the work than they care about me. They're not being considerate of the other things I have to neglect to carry most of the load or the sacrifice I'm making to my time and mental health. I'm being punished and overworked for doing a good job while they're getting out of having any responsibility and most likely still expecting to take credit for the work that I have done.

(08:33) Why we might have a hard time asking for help

But while it really sucks to be on the side of doing all the hard work while the other person feels like it's even, sometimes we have a hard time letting them help us with it. I feel like everyone knows an ADHD mom who does too much. She has ADHD and struggles with executive function, motivating energy, and task management. And yet she is somehow the one running everything in the household. Even though it's really hard for her to do so, she organizes all the scheduling and logistics for her kids.

She keeps track of everyone's preferences and tendencies. She plans all the vacations, does all the booking and paperwork, does all the grocery shopping, cooks all the meals, and often in addition to a full-time job and her personal upkeep. The moms I know who fit this description are all pretty close to being at the end of their rope at all times. They are doing so much and their partners and family members don't seem to be carrying much of the load.

These moms tend to be hugely resentful that they have to do everything, especially since they tend not to get recognition for the massive effort they have to put into everything they do. And at the same time, they have a hard time letting go of all these tasks they do and allowing someone else to do them. Because what does it mean when we can't be the model woman, the model mother, or the model parent? What does it mean when I need help to make it all work?

It can often feel like we aren't enough and that we're failing. Sometimes we hoard these difficult tasks because we want to prove to the world that we can. And sometimes that's true but at a huge cost to ourselves.

(10:18) What can we do when we find ourselves in this masking trap?

So, what can we do if we find ourselves in this masking trap that keeps us anxious and overworked and denies us the credit, support, and accommodations we need to live healthy, happy lives?

What I first suggest is to figure out where and how this happens in our lives. We can ask ourselves what we are doing to make it work. What are the costs that come with making it work? And is it worth the cost for us to do this at the rate and level we are currently going? Is there a way for us to do what's necessary in our lives without piling on the anxiety, shame, and fear? Can we alter the expectations for ourselves slightly in a way that reduces the negative impact it has on our lives? And what would that look like?

A really great place to start is to ask ourselves where we feel resentment in our lives. Resentment is a signal that the effort we are putting into something is way higher than the satisfaction or rewards we get from doing it. We typically don't feel resentment for doing things that are high in effort if we think it pays off in the same way.

We can reduce resentment by intentionally putting in measures to reduce the effort, like having someone else do that task or help with it, or by increasing the rewards or satisfaction for doing it, like letting other people know it's hard for us and having them recognize our hard work. We can probably all benefit from less pressure to do it all, especially if it's wearing us down.

My first year at Google, a more seasoned admin gave me the best advice when I told her I was working myself ragged trying to keep the millions of balls in the air and not let anything drop. She said to do as much as I reasonably could in a day and let things drop because that's the only way anyone knows to hire another admin or ask for less. If I'm somehow delivering on everything they're giving me, everyone will assume that it's a reasonable amount unless I say something or something breaks. And that's true.

If crushing every aspect of our lives means we're burning out or anxious all the time, it might be better to not crush it sometimes. After we figure out what changes we want to make to how we are masking our ADHD. We can figure out what we can do to make this change more successful. Maybe it starts with communicating to others how difficult it really is for us.

When that ADHD professional colleague told me I didn't struggle with emotional dysregulation like they do, I stopped the conversation to inform them that I really do and that it is hurtful when they invalidate the effort I take to make sure I don't take my emotions out on others. Sometimes boundaries need to be set.

When others assume I will do all the hard work because they think it's easy for me, I let them know that this is not acceptable. Just because I'm able to show results for doing this logistical work, it does not mean it's easy for me. I will not continue working with them if they do not carry their weight. And if there are accommodations that can be put in place or a way someone can help us in the challenges we face, it's important to communicate what those are.

A husband who thinks his wife wants to take on everything might not try to take on more of the load. Being vulnerable in these situations can help if you're comfortable enough with them. An overworked ADHD wife telling her husband that it's hard for her to offload some of the logistical work to him because sometimes she feels like if she were good enough, she wouldn't need help, or get a different response from her husband than if she angrily told him she's doing all the work and he needs to do more.

Asking for the things we need to live a more fulfilling life does not make us inadequate or failures. No one can really do everything on their own. Honestly, the people I see boasting about how they have become great successes all on their own are commonly the ones who get the most support from others. They just aren't very aware that this is happening, which is pretty unfortunate for everyone around them who work so hard in ensuring their success. We are all better when we work together and support each other freely. It just sometimes takes a little more intention to make this happen.

(14:32) Recap

Fear and shame about our ADHD challenges can often lead to us masking our ADHD commonly through anxiety and overcompensating, which is amplified even more for women because of high societal expectations. But putting in a lot of effort to present as someone who doesn't struggle with ADHD can often lead to others not realizing how difficult things are for us, which can turn those hard things into normal expectations that we don't get credit or validation for doing.

We can also have a harder time giving up those hard tasks because doing so might make us feel inadequate. But if we recognize the cost we're paying to make it all work and are intentional about how we want to show up in the world, we can reduce the stress and anxiety we feel in our everyday lives.

Communicating our challenges and boundaries to others can allow them to better support us and carry the load so that we can do what we need to while living more fulfilling lives. And allowing others to support us does not make us failures because no one can do it all alone and we are all better together. Thanks for listening.

Thanks for listening. You've been listening to "Tips from an ADHD Coach" on the Understood Podcast Network. If you have a challenge that you'd like me to talk about on air or would just like to say hi, you can email us at ADHDCoachTips@understood.org. You can also check out the show notes to find links to anything mentioned in the show and more resources.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/donate.

"Tips from an ADHD Coach" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also makes the show. Ilana Millner and Ash Beecher are our supervising producers. Briana Berry is our production director and Neil Drumming is our editorial director. For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Jaye Lin. Thanks for listening.