ADHD and: Rejection sensitivity

Imagine receiving a “no,” to an idea you’ve shared in a meeting. Instead of brushing it off, you become overwhelmed with thoughts of self-doubt and a deep sense of rejection. 

This intense emotional reaction is known as rejection sensitivity. And many women with ADHD experience it. In this episode, Dr. J explains how ADHD can amplify fears of rejection. Listen in to learn strategies women with ADHD can use to navigate these feelings. 

We love to hear from our listeners. Email us at podcast@understood.org.

Related resources

• ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)

• Emotional sunburn: What rejection sensitive dysphoria feels like to me

• Rejection sensitivity, ADHD drain, and the power of failure (Weston’s story)

Timestamps

(00:49) What is rejection sensitivity?

(02:50) How can rejection sensitivity impact women with ADHD?

(03:31) Helpful ways to manage rejection

(04:48) What is cognitive reframing?

Episode transcript

Dr. J: Few women go through life without experiencing rejection, like not being invited to a party, being turned down for a date, or missing out on a job promotion that they wanted. But for women with ADHD, rejection can be especially tough. We may fear rejection before it even occurs or ruminate about it after it happens, leading to a longer recovery time. 

This is "ADHD and...," where we talk about everyday life and ADHD. I'm Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with people with ADHD. Today we're talking about ADHD and rejection sensitivity. 

(00:49) What is rejection sensitivity? 

Rejection sensitivity, as discussed in various settings, can refer to a person that can anxiously expect, readily perceive, and intensely react to rejection. This rejection in and of itself can be real or perceived rejection, meaning that it can be a reaction to someone who actually rejected you or you misinterpreting something as rejection. 

There are a few things to mention about rejection sensitivity. First being rejection should hurt or at least be uncomfortable to some extent. That is a part of our social wiring. This means that just because you dislike rejection, it doesn't mean that you necessarily have rejection sensitivity. It's more so how low or high someone subjective discomfort is when dealing with rejection. 

You may want to think about it the same way we think about pain tolerance. There are people who can get hit in the face by a two-by-four and walk it off, and others of us who will bump our elbow and we're on the floor in tears. When looking at how rejection sensitivity comes about, it may be a normal response to early experiences. This could be our family of origin, dating in our youth, or even getting rejected by our favorite college. 

There are also times in our development when rejection sensitivity is naturally elevated. Adolescence is an example of this. This is a time for everyone, but especially women, to be focused on the social approval of others. It is also natural for almost all humans to be sensitive to facets of social rank throughout their lifespan, and rejection as an element of that. 

A normal response to discomfort or fear is to avoid that thing. However, by doing so, what we're doing is actually increasing our sensitivity to whatever it is that we're avoiding, and that includes rejection. 

(02:50) How can rejection sensitivity impact women with ADHD? 

When you're a woman with ADHD, it's important to mention that managing emotions is a common struggle. Rejection can bring up really strong emotions like sadness, disappointment, and shame. Women with ADHD can struggle to shift their thinking and get hyperfocused on their feelings of rejection. 

Naturally, when we focus on something, it intensifies our experience of that thing, even if it's something that we would prefer to minimize, like shame or sadness. As such, it's important for me to provide you with a couple of ways to better cope with rejection. 

(03:31) Helpful ways to manage rejection

If you're able to consistently and effectively use various strategies, you can build resilience and boost your self-esteem. I might sound like a broken record, but the first strategy I'm going to mention is mindfulness. If you're not finding different ways to implement it in your life, you really are doing yourself a disservice. It's a bread-and-butter strategy. 

If you were lost in the desert and you ran into me and told me you were dehydrated, I'm not going to try to sell you on some new fitness powder filled with electrolytes and minerals. I'm going to hand you a glass of water. And mindfulness is just that. It is a fundamental strategy that we should all be practicing. 

Mindfulness meditation involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. It allows us to be in the present and experience our thoughts and feelings as they actually are. Studies have shown that mindfulness can reduce the emotional impact of rejection by decreasing rumination and promoting emotional regulation. Mindfulness practices help us to remain calm and in the present moment, allowing us to respond to rejection with greater clarity and less emotional turmoil. 

(04:48) What is cognitive reframing? 

The next strategy that I'm going to mention is cognitive reframing. Cognitive reframing involves changing the way you think about the rejection, instead of viewing it as a personal failure, you can look at it as an opportunity for continued growth and learning. Studies have shown that cognitive reframing can reduce negative emotions and increase resilience. 

By altering the interpretation of the event, what can happen is you can lessen the emotional impact and maintain a more positive outlook. So, let's talk through a practical application of this skill. Let's imagine an employee named Jenny who got turned down for a promotion that she was looking forward to. The negative thought that she has is I didn't get the promotion because I'm not good enough. 

An example of a reframed thought might be something like "I didn't get the promotion this time, but I'm going to look at it as an opportunity for growth. I'm going to ask my manager for feedback, and I'm going to utilize that to develop my skill set for future promotions or to get an outside position." By reframing her thoughts, Jenny can reduce her feelings of inadequacy and focus on constructive actions that can lead to further career advancement. 

This approach helps in maintaining a positive mindset and focusing on continuous improvement. So, here are the steps to achieve cognitive reframing using Jenny's situation. The first step is to acknowledge the emotion. So, you want to recognize and accept any feelings of disappointment or frustration. In fact, these emotions are really normal after experiencing a setback. From there, if you notice that you need to utilize self-soothing or social support, make sure you create the space for that. 

The next step is to identify the negative thoughts. So, you want to identify the specific negative thoughts you're having about rejection. In Jenny's case, the thought was "I must not be good enough." The third step is to challenge the negative thought. So, what you want to do is you want to question the validity of the negative thought. So, you might ask yourself, "Is it true that I'm not good enough, or are there other factors at play?" 

The next step is to find an alternative perspective. So, you want to consider other explanations for not getting the promotion. It could be that you didn't have a necessary skill, or it could be that there are just a lot of qualified candidates. 

The last step is to focus on growth and opportunity. So, you want to shift your focus to what you can learn from the experience. So, you may want to ask for feedback, if that's applicable, and use it to improve your skills and qualifications. 

In closing, whether we like it or not, rejection is a part of our existence. The only guaranteed successes are scams. Being able to lean into discomfort when it's tied to our values and goals is a necessary skill to increase our chances of happiness and success, and to challenge and grow as a person. 

Whether it's a better job, finding a romantic partner, or haggling with someone at the flea market. You can't mine for gold if you're not willing to lean into the prospect that maybe all you'll find is a sack of rocks. By practicing mindfulness, acknowledging your emotions, and altering your outlook on things, you can start to build the hardiness that you need to claim the life that you want and reduce your sensitivity to rejection. 

Thank you for joining me on this episode of "ADHD and..." I would love it if you subscribe to our YouTube channel for more. This show is brought to you by Understood.org, a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org. 

"ADHD and..." Is produced by Tara Drinks and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our video producer is Calvin Knie.  Ilana Millner is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our audio engineer and music composer is Justin D. Wright. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Dr. J.