ADHD and: Parenting fails

Staying on top of important events, managing daily life, and making sure a child feels supported and loved is no easy task for a mom. Especially for a mom with ADHD. 

Constant feelings of stress and frustration can have a huge impact on a woman’s ability to parent. Listen as Dr. J explains how symptoms of ADHD can impact parenting. Find out why it’s common for some women with ADHD to view minor mistakes as “parenting fails.” And get advice on how to move forward from parenting mistakes. 

Related resources

• ADHD parenting tips from a Black clinical psychologist

• Parenting tips when you and your child have ADHD

Episode transcript

Dr. J: Imagine that you're a mom with ADHD going about her day. She woke up, got her kid ready, made sure that they got on the school bus, and then headed into work. She has a full day with like, meetings and deadlines, and after all that, she gets home, but something feels off. Then she realizes her kid isn't home and she's thinking, "Oh no, did they miss the bus?" And then she realizes that they actually had an afterschool activity and it totally slipped her mind. 

Now she's judging herself, wondering how she could have forgotten this. It's an honest mistake, to be sure, but for her, it's a parenting fail. This is "ADHD and." I'm your host, Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who specializes in working with ADHD and co-existing disorders. Today we're going to talk about ADHD and parenting fails. 

Before we dive in, let's put into perspective what a parenting fail really is. A fail is really a mistake, and a mistake is just that; an accident or a mishap. It's actually really common. I don't think I could make it through an entire day without making at least one minor mistake. 

Making a mistake does not mean that you're failing as a parent. In fact, I often joke with my patients that if they're worried about failing as a parent, it's probably a good sign that they're not. It's common for people with ADHD to focus more on their mistakes, and because of this tendency, they can often get hung up on mistakes and think of them as parenting fails and it can really throw them off of their game. 

It's also true that when you have ADHD, you may have more trouble redirecting your attention away from the fact that you made a mistake. The mistakes you're likely to make as a parent with ADHD fall into similar categories as those parents without ADHD will typically have. So, this can be things like issues with emotional regulation. An example of a problem in this area may be getting angry more quickly or easily than you would like. And this is usually due to the stress and strain of being a parent. 

A second category is communication. A really easy example that comes to mind is forgetting to give your partner a piece of critical information, like the phone number of the babysitter. 

A third category is organization and time management. I hear all the time about families having trouble staying on top of the family's schedule and calendar. And then the last category I'll mention is motivation or discipline. So, something that comes up routinely is people talking to me about getting behind on household chores, like putting away their kids' toys, doing laundry, loading the dishwasher. You get the idea. 

Acknowledging mistakes is important and healthy, but once you fall into rumination or replaying the mistake over and over again in your mind a million times, it's no longer helpful to you or your child. The saying "Don't cry over spilled milk" is really applicable here. 

If I drop something on the floor, I can stand there all day looking at it, bemoaning the fact that the milk carton slipped out of my hand, telling myself how I should have known better, how I should have been able to predict that this accident was going to occur. But I'm not psychic or perfect. So, mistakes are going to happen. What's more important is what we do once the milk is on the floor. 

So, here are a couple of reminders to get you back to reality after experiencing a mistake. The first is to try affirmations. This can be saying things to yourself like "You're doing the very best that you can," "Accidents happen," or "Everybody has a bad day." You don't want to discount the positive aspects of yourself as a person or a parent. 

Again, I want you to remember that it's really easy to ruminate and remind yourself of the three times you forgot your kid's lunch, and totally blanked out on the fact that there are 300 times that you didn't. Remember that your kids don't need you to be perfect. They just need you to be a good enough parent. In fact, you being overly critical of yourself simply models the unhealthy habit for your kids. 

Remind yourself that mistakes are natural and that honestly, your brain might be making a bigger deal of it than it actually is. Allow yourself to grow and develop as a parent. Parenting ability is skill building just like anything else. And to be honest, there are a thousand different ways that you can be a good enough parent that are unique to your family system. Your attitudes and actions are important. They show your children how to respond to failures. 

So, when a mistake happens, look at it as a learning opportunity. Teach your kids that mistakes are common and help them to develop skills around compassion and problem-solving. This will help them develop into emotionally sound and capable people as they continue to grow. Lastly, don't count your failures. Instead, count your improvements and acknowledge the efforts that you make towards reducing mistakes over time. 

So, an example of how to do this is to make note of how many times in a day, in a week, in a month, that you engaged in the desired behavior and then celebrate that. The same way that gold stars can be motivating for your kids, they can be motivating for us too. 

That's it for this episode of "ADHD and." I love it that you came here and listened, and it would be so wonderful if you would subscribe to our channel for more. 

This show is brought to you by Understood.org, a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org. 

"ADHD and" is produced by Tara Drinks and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our video producer is Calvin Knie. Ilana Millner is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our audio engineer and music composer is Justin D. Wright. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Dr. J.