Good stress is when kids confront a challenge they believe they can rise to.
Bad stress happens when kids face a problem they think they can’t solve or succeed at.
When kids have support, they’re more likely to feel good stress.
When people say they’re stressed, it’s usually not a good thing. But stressisn’t always bad. There’s good stress, too — and it can help kids rise to challenges, solve problems, and build confidence.
Nature gave us the ability to spot danger and respond to it. When faced with dangerous situations, our bodies and brains kick into fight-or-flight mode. But we don’t like to stay in that state for long. We like to deal with danger quickly so we can feel safe again.
Our body’s ability to deal with stress helps us do just that. Our stress response system gets our brain and body ready to solve problems and tackle challenges. And when we overcome the problem, our brain “feels good” and remembers our successes.
Kids can experience both good and bad stress when faced with challenges. When kids are supported or have had success in the past, they are more likely to feel good. On the other hand, kids who have experienced a lot of failure often feel bad stress.
When we provide kids with support, we can help them feel good stress and build their resilience and confidence.
Dive deeper
Good stress happens when we confront a challenge we believe we can manage or control.
Here’s an example: A child is coasting down a hill on a bike with just one hand on the handlebars. When she sees a pothole up ahead, she feels stress and instinctively puts her other hand on the bars.
In less than a second, her brain goes in to survival mode. It tells her heart to pump blood to her legs. Her vision gets a little better because her pupils open to take in more light. She’s ready for evasive action. She guides herself around the hole and continues safely down the slope.
In this case, she quickly handled the danger without a problem. It was good stress that helped her meet the challenge, because she believed she could do it.
The brain loves success and will store the memory of this event. The next time this child faces such a dangerous situation, this positive memory will help her deal with it. Good stress makes us stronger, ready to take on new challenges.
Tolerable stress is more intense than good stress, but we can still handle it because of experience or the support of others.
In the example of the biker, she may be faced with a new danger. Perhaps it suddenly starts raining hard, and big puddles form on the bike path. She grips the handlebars tightly. This time she’s feeling a greater level of stress because the danger has increased and is lasting longer. Still, she believes she’ll make it home safely.
Why is that? She’s been in situations like this before and succeeded. She knows she has the skill to do it again, and that gives her confidence. She’s experiencing tolerable stress. And the next time she faces such a challenge, it’s more likely she’ll be ready for it.
Bad stress happens when we’re in a threatening situation that goes on and on, and we don’t feel like we’re able to get through it.
Let’s return to our example. Our child is biking in the rain, but the situation changes again — for the worse. The rain is coming down harder now. Lightning is flashing. She’s having trouble seeing, and she takes a wrong turn.
She’s never ridden in such terrible conditions, so she’s never had the experience of getting through them. She doesn’t feel capable, and she doesn’t feel safe. In fact, she’s overwhelmed by fear. This is bad stress — and it’s toxic.
Bad stress erodes confidence and makes us question our ability. At this point, the girl lets the bike drop in the mud and she runs, as fast as she can, toward her home.
Many kids face ongoing challenges they can’t quickly resolve. This is common for kids who struggle in school and don’t have the right support. Their fear of failure can go on and on. And that can put them at risk for bad stress.
Imagine a high school student who struggles with math. He’s required to take chemistry this year. But given his prior trouble with math, he feels it’s way beyond his ability.
Faced with this ongoing “danger,” he’s in a state of chronic stress. Instead of saying “I know I can” or “I think I can,” he’s saying: “No WAY I can.”
This can create a reaction that sets off all kinds of survival bells in the brain. Fear kicks in, kids get overwhelmed, and they try to escape. They might shut down in class, stop doing homework, and not ask for help.
When kids have support and learn how to support themselves, they’re better able to handle challenges. The more success they have, the more confident and in-control they’ll feel.
Here are ways to help kids feel successful and avoid bad stress:
Ask kids to fill out a self-awareness worksheet. Being self-aware can help kids see the challenges ahead and be ready for them.
