IEPs: Getting emotional at IEP meetings

IEP meetings can get very emotional. It can be hard to sit in a room full of teachers and talk about your child’s needs. Sometimes, these meetings can feel overwhelming, like everyone just wants to discuss what’s wrong with your child. 

However, if your child has an IEP, or Individualized Education Program, you’ll need to attend an IEP meeting at least once a year. And one important way to prepare is to get yourself ready emotionally.

On this episode of Understood Explains, guest host Claudia Rinaldi shares some tips for making this process less stressful — and what to do if big feelings come up during the meeting. 

For more resources, including a transcript formatted for easy skimming, visit the episode page on Understood.

Timestamps

[00:55] Getting ready emotionally

[02:32] Before the IEP meeting

[07:51] During the IEP meeting

[11:03] After the IEP meeting

[12:23] Key takeaways

Related resources

• 10 defusing phrases to use at IEP meetings

• Listen: Why we cry in IEP meetings

• The IEP meeting: An overview

• Navigating IEP meetings

Episode transcript

Claudia: As an educator and a mom, I know IEP meetings can get very emotional. It could be hard to sit in a room full of teachers and talk about your child's needs. It could feel very negative, like everyone just wants to talk about what's wrong with your baby. But I'm going to share some tips on how to make this whole process less stressful, and what to do if big feelings come up during the meeting. 

From the Understood Podcast Network, this is "Understood Explains IEPs." On this bonus episode, we're going to talk about getting emotional at IEP meetings. My name is Claudia Rinaldi. I started my career as a teacher and now I'm a professor of education. I teach teachers how special education works. I'm also the mom of a child who learns and thinks differently. And I'm guest hosting this episode of "Understood Explains IEPs," which is available in English y en español. OK, let's get started. 

[00:55] Getting ready emotionally 

If your child has an IEP or an Individualized Education Program, you'll need to go to an IEP meeting at least once a year. And one really important way to prepare for these meetings is to get yourself ready emotionally. As a mother of two and as an educator, I know it could be overwhelming to hear people talk about your child's differences or disabilities.

I remember one meeting in particular when my son was in 10th grade. He'd been having some behavioral challenges at the school, and the goal of this meeting was to gather all of his teachers and talk about how to support him. Now, this wasn't an IEP meeting. We still didn't know yet what exactly was fueling my son's behavior. It was actually a meeting that I requested. And we were there to discuss a topic that I know a lot about. 

Part of my job as a professor is to train teachers on how to provide behavioral supports.

 But this meeting was personal. We were talking about my child, and I could feel my throat tightening up, and it was hard for me to find the words I wanted to say in English. I'm an expert on this stuff, and I still needed to take a moment to center myself. I'm sharing this story to help show how common it is to have big feelings at these meetings. But there are lots of things you could do to help yourself stay calm or get back to feeling calm. And that's what we're going to spend the rest of this episode talking about. 

But the most important thing I want you to remember is that you don't have to be an expert in learning or behavior to participate in IEP meetings. You are an expert in your child, and your questions, your suggestions, and your lived experience can help the team support your child. 

[02:32] Before the IEP meeting

OK, so if you've got an IEP meeting coming up. You may be feeling anxious or stressed about it, but I have a few tips to help you get ready emotionally before the meeting. 

Tip number one: Ask for more time if you need it. You don't have to rush through this meeting and finalize the IEP right away. You can always ask for another meeting if you need more time or more information, or maybe advice from an advocate or a friend. And here's the reason why this is my number one stress-relieving tip. 

I know IEP meetings can feel very high stakes. It may feel like this is your only chance for a whole year to help your child get the support that they need to thrive in school, but that's not true. You can always ask for another IEP meeting. You have the right to request an IP meeting at any time. 

Now, I know asking for another meeting may sound about as fun as asking the dentist to give you another root canal but trust me, it's better than feeling a lot of pressure to sign something you don't understand. Or that you aren't sure you agree with, or that you have more questions about. IEP meetings can feel extra stressful if you're worried your child isn't getting the right services or isn't getting those services often enough. 

So give yourself some grace. Ask questions if you're confused. Take the time you need to process the information so you can think clearly when it's time to make decisions. You may even want to talk some things over with your child. They may have thoughts or ideas that the team hasn't thought of. Even very young kids can have surprisingly helpful insights. 

Tip number two: Understand how their meeting is structured. Ideally, the person who is organizing the meeting will send an agenda ahead of time. And if the meeting is in a day or two, and you haven't gotten an agenda yet, you can ask your child's teacher or the IEP case manager to give you a preview. Earlier this season, we talked about how IEP meetings typically start by discussing a student's present levels of performance. 

As a parent, this part of the meeting can come across as very negative. It can feel like a long stretch of information where everyone is focused on how far behind your child is, all the skills they need to work on, and so forth. And it can feel especially daunting if you're the last person who gets to talk about how things have been going. 

I've been in IEP meetings where the parents listen to one staff member after another talk about their child's shortcomings. And parents get really quiet. They're trying to process all of the information, and they may be so overwhelmed that they don't say anything. 

But there are two important things that can help you power through this part of the meeting. First, remember that it's really important to know your child's current skill levels. The team uses this information to figure out which services and supports your child needs to help build those skills. 

Second, remember that you're an expert in your child. You may not know all the fancy jargon, but you know your child best, and the questions you ask and the observations you share can be a big help to the team. 

Tip number three: Try to talk with your partner or spouse before the meeting. Set aside some time to think about what each of you wants for your child. If possible, try to figure out what you agree on and what you disagree on. This may not be easy especially if you and your co-parent are no longer a couple. But knowing what you agree on and what you disagree on can help ease some of the stress heading into the IEP meeting. It's better to know ahead of time rather than be surprised in the moment. 

It can also help both of you think about what questions you might want to ask. For example, you might say "My partner and I disagree on 'X'. Can you give us more information to help us think more about it?"

Tip number four: Bring a friend or a family member who can support you by doing things like taking notes or reminding you to ask a really important question. Having someone else focus on certain tasks during the meeting can help reduce your overall stress. And this could free up more of your brain to focus on what's being discussed at the meeting. 

I also recommend that you bring some supplies, like a small snack, in case you need a quick energy boost midway through the meeting, and a water bottle in case your throat gets dry. You may also want to bring your favorite pen or some Kleenex. 

Earlier this season, there was a really good episode that talked about all the practical things that you could do to get ready for IEP meetings, like bringing a friend and writing down a list of questions you want to ask. So, be sure to check out Episode 7 if you haven't listened to it already. 

Tip number five: Ask for an interpreter if you need one. Special education law says that schools have to provide an interpreter if you ask for one. This is really important because a language barrier can make IEP meetings even more stressful for parents. So, don't hesitate to ask for an interpreter if you need one. 

And a quick note here. If your child is learning English as a second language, Episode 11 has a lot of great info for multilingual families. It explains the difference between special education and ESL and how to tell your child needs both of these kinds of school supports. That episode also has lots of other background information and tips that can help you get ready for IEP meetings. 

[07:51] During the IEP meeting 

OK, so you arrive at the meeting. Everyone is sitting around the table and you're nervous your emotions might take over. What can you do? I have a few tips to help manage those big feelings during the meeting. 

First, I want you to remember that it's OK to cry at IEP meetings. You won't be the first parent to shed some tears at this kind of meeting. Teachers understand that you love your child and that it's tough to hear your child is experiencing challenges. The school staff is there to support you if you need it. 

Second, introduce yourself at the meeting. The school staff will probably start the meeting this way. But if they don't, you can ask everyone to introduce themselves. This can help ease some stress by making sure you know who all the team members are. You can also ask an icebreaker question. This kind of opening question can help everyone loosen up a bit and get ready to work together to support your child. 

For example, you could say "My name is Mrs. Rinaldi, but you can call me Claudia. I'd like to start the meeting with an icebreaker. What's one thing you enjoy about my child?" 

Or if some people in the room haven't worked closely with your child yet, you could ask "What's one thing you really enjoy about working with kids in this age group?" Or you could even start with something that doesn't have anything to do with school, like, "What's your favorite ice cream flavor?" An icebreaker can help start the meeting on a positive note. 

OK, so the meeting gets underway. What can you do in the middle of the meeting if you start to feel a lot of emotions? I have tips on this too. First, use some simple calming techniques. Start by taking a slow, deep breath. Inhale as you count to four, hold your breath as you count to four, and exhale as you count to four. Breathing slowly and deeply can help your body calm down. 

Or you can repeat a mantra in your head. A mantra is a positive phrase that can help you crowd out negative thoughts. It could go like "I can think calm and be calm. I can think calm and be calm." You can also try softening your jaw muscles and squeezing each of your fingertips with your thumb and index finger. These kinds of small movements can help you relax a bit. 

You can also take a break during the meeting.  A school staff member may suggest this if you start showing signs that you're feeling a lot of emotion, but you can always be proactive and ask to take a break by saying, "I need a minute to collect my thoughts." If you step out of the room, you can take a few deep breaths in the hallway, or maybe go for a short walk to stretch your legs. 

And the last tip I want to share is about getting your point across during the meeting. Be direct but polite. Have a few phrases handy that can help keep your frustration from boiling over. Here's one of my favorites "I may be misunderstanding. Can you show me which law or policy says that?" 

I'm also a big fan of "Can you clarify?" For example, you can say, "Can you clarify how often I would get updates on my child's progress?" Or "Can you clarify why you think my child only needs one speech therapy session each week?" This kind of wording can give your school a chance to step back and possibly change its approach. 

Another really useful phrase is "How can we work together to make this happen?" I'll put a link in the show notes to an Understood article on phrases you could use to help defuse the tension during an IEP meeting. 

[11:03] After the IEP meeting

So, we've been talking about things you could do before the IEP meeting and during the IEP meeting. But there's one strategy I want to encourage you to use after the meeting to help make the rest of the year less stressful. It's a really good idea to have frequent check-ins with your child's teacher or IEP case manager. 

And one goal in having these regular touchpoints throughout the school year is so you won't ever be surprised by something that comes up in an IEP meeting. And I want to be clear here about formal updates versus informal updates. Your child's IEP should include details on how often you will get progress reports throughout the year. Those are formal updates, but you can also set up informal check-ins that could just be a quick email or phone call. 

How often you have these check-ins really depends on how your child is doing. For example, you may need to have daily check-ins if behavior is a big issue. But if academics are the main issue and your child is on track to meet the annual goals of their IEP, you might only need to communicate with a teacher or a case manager once a month or once a quarter. So, talk with a teacher or case manager and see what works best for both of you. 

[12:23] Key takeaways 

OK, let's wrap up what we've learned from this episode with four key takeaways. 

First, remember that you are an expert in your child. You can help the team by asking questions and making suggestions at the IEP meeting. Second, you can always ask for another IEP meeting. You don't need to rush through and finalize the IEP right away. 

Third, remember that it's OK to cry during the meeting. You can always take a break and use some quick calming strategies. And lastly, you don't need to wait a whole year to find out what's going on with your child's IEP. You can ask for an IEP meeting at any time. You can also ask for frequent check-ins with a teacher or case manager, so you won't be surprised by anything at the next IEP meeting. 

OK, that's all for this bonus episode of "Understood Explains." I hope you'll check out the rest of this season, which has lots of practical tips that can help you understand the special education process and feel more confident about what to advocate for during IEP meetings. 

You'll be listening to "Understood Explains IEPs." This season was developed in partnership with UnidosUS, the nation's largest Hispanic civil rights and advocacy organization. Gracias, Unidos! If you want to learn more about the topics we covered today, check out the show notes for this episode. We include more resources as well as links to anything we've mentioned in this episode. 

"Understood Explains IEPs" was produced by Julie Rawe and Cody Nelson, with editing support by Daniela Tello-Garzon. Daniela and Elena Andres led our Spanish production. 

Video is produced by Calvin Knie and Christoph Manuel, with support from Denver Milord.

Mixing and music by Justin D. Wright. Ilana Millner was our production director. Margie DeSantis provided editorial support and Whitney Reynolds was our web producer. 

For the Understood Podcast Network, Laura Key is our editorial director, Scott Cocchiere is our creative director, and Seth Melnick is our executive producer. 

Special thanks to the team of expert advisors who helped shape this season: Shivohn Garcia, Julian Saavedra, and host Juliana Urtubey.

Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping people who learn and think differently discover their potential and thrive. Learn more at Understood.org/mission.

Credits

Understood Explains IEPs was produced by Julie Rawe and Cody Nelson, with editing support by Daniella Tello-Garzon. 

Video was produced by Calvin Knie and Christoph Manuel, with support from Denver Milord.

Mixing and music by Justin D. Wright.

Ilana Millner was our production director. Margie DeSantis provided editorial support, and Whitney Reynolds was our web producer. 

For the Understood Podcast Network, Laura Key is our editorial director, Scott Cocchiere is our creative director, and Seth Melnick is our executive producer.

Special thanks to the team of expert advisors who helped shape this season: Shivohn Garcia, Claudia Rinaldi, and Julian Saavedra.