Rules often focus on what kids shouldn’t do, like “Don’t push.” But this can leave kids guessing about what todo instead. Be specific: “Keep your hands by your side when playing. When you need to tell someone something, use words — not your hands.”
Quick tip 2
Teach kids about personal space.
Teach kids about personal space.
Explain what personal space is, and help kids practice standing a comfortable distance apart. You can also help kids get better at recognizing facial expressions and other signs that they’re getting too close or playing too rough.
Quick tip 3
Practice self-soothing techniques.
Practice self-soothing techniques.
Teach self-soothing techniques that kids can use when they get angry, frustrated, or overexcited. Practicing self-soothing can help kids build self-control.
Have you ever wondered why some kids play too rough and grab or crash into things? Sometimes, kids who seem “pushy” or aggressive have challenges that make it hard for them to realize they’re being rougher than is acceptable. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about other kids. Or that they have bad parents.
Kids may roughhouse because they struggle with:
Knowing how much force they’re using. Kids may squeeze too tight when they hug or give a high five that stings. What they think is a light tap on the shoulder might be a shove.
Reading social cues. Kids may not realize they’re standing too close or that a friend is upset about how rough they’re playing.
Controlling impulses. Kids want that ball right now and don’t stop to think before they grab it. But afterwards, they might feel really bad about having been so rough.
Hyperactivity. Kids may move so fast and abruptly that they bump into people and things. They lack self-control.
It can also be hard for kids to know what’s appropriate from one situation to another. For example, maybe a concerned adult grabbed a child’s arm once in a busy parking lot. If the adult didn’t explain that they only did that for safety reasons, the child may think that grabbing is OK to do with friends.
Dive deeper
It’s common for toddlers and preschoolers to grab a toy they want to play with or to push somebody out of the way instead of asking. Most young kids are still learning how to play with each other. They’re still figuring out how to communicate what they want.
But by the time they get to kindergarten or first grade, most kids have learned that putting their hands on other kids is too rough. They’ve also learned that other kids don’t like being yelled at, pushed, or grabbed.
Some kids need help picking up on social cues. If a child keeps playing too rough, teach them to look for signs they need to play more gently.
Start by talking about what you’re noticing. Explain how you see other kids reacting. Ask if the child is seeing the same things. If not, point them out.
For example, you can say, “I noticed that when you grabbed the ball from Xavier, he looked angry. Did you see that, too?” It’s a good way to teach empathy and help kids start to see how their actions affect other people.
Hyperactivity, a key symptom of ADHD, can lead kids to play roughly, because they have excess energy along with poor self-control. They may run or walk too fast and bump into other kids or knock them down by accident. They might use more force than they realize when they impulsively push or grab.
Kids with hyperactive ADHD don’t mean to be rough. They just have trouble controlling their actions. For most kids, this ADHD symptom lessens or goes away as they get older. In the meantime, there are ways to help them use their energy in a positive way. Getting plenty of exercise and playing sports and games can make a big difference.
Once you start helping kids recognize social cues, or their trouble with hyperactivity, they may be less rough in play. But if roughhousing continues to be a problem, talk with kids about self-control. You can also talk with family members and teachers to see if they’re noticing the same things.
By observing kids and talking with others, you may start to notice patterns that can make your next steps clearer.
Tell kids what to do (instead of what not to do).
