What to do when someone doubts your ADHD diagnosis

The first time someone doubted my ADHD diagnosis, I was caught off guard. I was in my mid-30s, and I’d recently found out that many of my everyday struggles — like time management, organization, and getting sidetracked easily¹ — were actually symptoms of adult ADHD. My diagnosis was a huge relief and I was excited to share the news with one of my family members.

At least until she responded.

“But you can’t possibly have ADHD,” my relative said. “You’re not running around hyperactive, and you finished your PhD in three years. You don’t have a problem focusing.” While that’s true when it comes to topics I’m interested in, it’s not the case for everything else. 

That wouldn’t be the last time someone would doubt my experience. Since then, I’ve heard everything from “That’s just an excuse to get medication” to “Is ADHD even real?” I’ve even had people tell me I don’t look like I have ADHD (whatever that means). 

In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to deal with responses like those. But for now, here’s what to do when someone doubts your ADHD diagnosis.

5 reasons some people doubt adult ADHD diagnoses

First, let’s talk about why some people might doubt an ADHD diagnosis.

1. People associate ADHD with children.

People often think of ADHD as a childhood condition,² says Jessica McCarthy, PsyD, a clinical neuropsychologist and licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in ADHD. “We really need to think about this as something that occurs and can change across the lifespan,” she says. 

ADHD is what’s known as a “neurodevelopmental disorder.” Challenges are often first noticed in childhood, but they don’t disappear in adulthood. It can be easy to forget that kids with ADHD grow into adults with ADHD, and that symptoms change along the way.

2. Most people expect someone with ADHD to be “hyper.”

People often associate ADHD with hyperactivity. It’s a common ADHD stereotype: A little boy bouncing off the walls. And while “hyperactivity” is part of the name attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, a lot of people with ADHD aren’t hyperactive at all. Some people have predominantly inattentive ADHD or ADHD-PI. If you have ADHD-PI, you have trouble with concentration and executive function. But you don’t have hyperactive symptoms.³ 

Many women and girls fall into this inattentive type. Even girls who do have hyperactive symptoms often don’t fit the stereotype. A girl with hyperactive ADHD might fidget or be very talkative, rather than running around or disrupting the class. And most adults with ADHD, even those who were hyperactive as kids, don’t display hyperactive symptoms. 

And me? If anything, I’m the opposite of hyperactive. Like many women living with ADHD, I also have depression.⁴ This often leaves me feeling fatigued, if not exhausted. No one is going to look at me and see someone who is hyperactive. 

3. ADHD is still stigmatized.

There’s a lot of stigma around ADHD.^2,5 Some of that is related to the stimulant medications often used to treat ADHD. Some people assume that an ADHD diagnosis is just an “excuse” to get a prescription for Adderall or another stimulant. “People may think you’re just trying to score drugs and take the lazy and easy way out,” McCarthy says.

For many people, medication is an effective way to manage their symptoms, explains Patrick LaCount, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in ADHD. “But for medications like Adderall or other stimulants, [some people] see that as a moral failing, [or] a cheat.” Of course, that’s not the case. Taking medication helps people with ADHD manage their symptoms, not gain an advantage.⁶

4. They’re too focused on focus.

Like hyperactivity, people often associate trouble staying focused with ADHD. Someone may minimize your experience by saying, “Nowadays everyone has short attention spans.” They might even question whether adult ADHD is “real.” Let’s be clear, ADHD is real. It’s a brain-based disorder. It can’t be caused by your phone, or social media, or too much TV. 

Another thing that can be confusing is that people with ADHD actually can pay attention to things we’re interested in. In fact, we even sometimes experience what’s known as hyperfocus: A state where we’re so focused on a project or task that we lose track of everything else. This is because, despite the name, ADHD doesn’t actually mean we have a “deficit” of attention. Instead, McCarthy explains, ADHD makes it very hard to regulate and direct our attention. For example, we might be able to concentrate for hours on an interesting project, but struggle to stay focused during a 20-minute lecture. 

5. People with ADHD are great at masking.

There’s a simple reason why people might not notice that we’re silently dealing with the challenges of ADHD: We hide — or mask — our symptoms.⁷ “This is a disorder that is pretty easy to mask, especially if you have higher cognitive abilities,” McCarthy says. 

Sometimes we hide our ADHD so well that others simply don’t see it. This can lead to comments like “You don’t seem like you have ADHD.” But masking takes energy, whether we do it intentionally or without realizing it.⁸ The work it takes to hide ADHD symptoms can take a toll on our mental health, especially when coping strategies stop working. 

“It’s an easy disorder to compensate for, until it’s not,” McCarthy says. “And for some people, that doesn’t occur until their 20s or 30s…. The strategies that they’ve thrown together no longer work, and then everything implodes.” 

4 things to do if someone doubts your ADHD diagnosis

Understanding why people might doubt your ADHD diagnosis can help. But what should you do when it happens? Here are some strategies for navigating those tricky conversations: 

1. Only tell who you want to tell.

Both LaCount and McCarthy stress that most of the time, there’s no reason to tell people you have ADHD unless you really want to. If you don’t want to face the possibility of someone doubting your diagnosis, you don’t have to share it with them. 

McCarthy suggests being intentional about your reason for sharing your diagnosis. For instance, are you looking for someone who’ll just listen? Are you looking for validation? Or even advice? Understanding what your expectations are will help you choose the right people to confide in.

2. Remember that you can’t control people’s reactions.

You can choose whether or not to tell someone about your ADHD, but you can’t choose how they’ll react. “We can’t control other people’s behavior,” McCarthy says. 

That said, having someone question your ADHD diagnosis can feel pretty awful. But keeping things in perspective can help. If someone reacts poorly, just remind yourself that you know yourself best, and you can’t control other people’s feelings or biases. That said, if someone isn’t responding well, don’t waste your energy. Instead of digging in and trying to convince them, take a breath and let it go.

3. End the conversation.

If you’ve shared your ADHD diagnosis with someone who doesn’t react well, sometimes the best thing to do is just end the conversation. There are many ways to do that, but here are a few suggestions from LaCount and McCarthy:

• “This is my diagnosis. Please respect this.” 

• “Mocking my health is hurtful, and I’d like you to stop.”

• “It hurts when you say that. I feel like you’re discounting me and my experience.”

4. Describe your ADHD.

Of course, if someone doubts your ADHD diagnosis, you don’t owe them any further explanation. But there are times when you may need someone like an employer, partner, or family member to understand what you’re going through. 

For instance, let’s say you decide to tell your manager about your diagnosis to help explain why you’re facing certain challenges at work. Instead of simply telling them that you have ADHD, LaCount recommends describing the ways the condition impacts your work. For example, you may have difficulty focusing in a loud office or trouble following multi-step directions. Being clear and specific makes it easier for others to understand what you need. You’re more likely to get the support you’re asking for.

The more you know about your ADHD, the more empowered you’ll be to advocate for yourself. Resources like this one can help you gather the information to help you know your rights, and make it easier to educate others about ADHD (when you want to).  

And finally, remember, you’re not alone. Finding a community, in person or online, of other folks with ADHD who just “get it” can make dealing with doubters less stressful.

From one ADHD-er to another, I see you and I believe you. You’ve got this.

Summary

If you tell someone you have ADHD, there’s a chance that they may doubt your diagnosis. This may happen because of stigma and misconceptions about the condition. For example, some people think only kids have ADHD. Others may think that everyone with ADHD is hyperactive or only out to get medication. Of course, none of that is true.

Adult ADHD is often misunderstood. If someone questions whether you really have ADHD, there are ways to get through the conversation. Remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation, and you can’t control how other people react. You don’t have to tell people that you have ADHD. But if you’d like them to understand it better, you can explain what ADHD looks like for you, or show them where they can find more information about the condition.