Double trouble: ADHD moms share what it’s like to parent kids with ADHD

Life with ADHD can be unpredictable, to say the least, and becoming a parent definitely doesn’t make things easier. And if your child happens to have ADHD too? Well, it can be a lot.

I have ADHD, and so does my son. Being the ADHD mom of an ADHD kid can be tough, but it also means I understand him in ways no one else can. Whatever comes our way, we’re able to face it together. 

And on the tough days, I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone. That other ADHD mothers can relate to what I’m going through. Here’s what our community of ADHD moms had to say about the ups and downs of parenting kids with ADHD.

We’re ADHD moms — it’s different

Having ADHD means heavily relying on systems and strategies to manage symptoms. But when you become a parent, all the helpful systems you had before get blown apart. There’s so much more to remember, so much more to do. And there’s no roadmap to follow. Sometimes being a parent feels like learning a game with rules that change every single day. 

Part of the challenge is that women with ADHD are more likely to have inattentive symptoms, like difficulty focusing, being easily distracted, and having challenges with executive function.¹ This means that everyday tasks don’t come easy — planning, organizing, and remembering all those tiny details. 

Studies show that moms generally do more tasks related to scheduling, planning, and managing social relationships than their partners do.² All things that are extra tough to manage when you have ADHD. This means it’s much harder for us to find time to slow down and recharge — something that’s really important for people with ADHD.

And if you’re juggling work and kids? It can be rough. Whatever your work looks like, whether you’re going to an office or putting in the hours as a full-time parent, it’s no walk in the park. For those moms also working outside the home, the workday’s end simply means clocking in for their second job: Parenting. It’s time to drive kids to practices and clubs, help with homework, and get everyone fed, bathed, and tucked into bed at a decent time. Some days, we’d even like quality time with our kids, too.

“I get home and I’m excited to see my family, excited to see my kids, but I’m freaked out because I’m about to do job number two,” said Laura Key, host of ADHD Aha! “I have to recenter, reorganize, and I don’t have that recovery time. I just went through all of these executive function challenges all day, and now I have to face a whole different type of executive challenges the second I walk in the door.” 

Juggling so many tasks is hard for anyone. But the executive function challenges that come with ADHD can make it feel impossible. Many moms with ADHD feel burned out, like we’re just barely keeping up with it all. 

I’m not yelling! You’re yelling! (We’re all yelling)

Kids with ADHD often struggle to regulate emotions — but they’re not the only ones. ADHD can make it hard to manage big feelings no matter how old you are. Keeping your cool when your child is melting down, not raising your voice, trying to model good behavior…. It’s not easy. 

Trying to keep your emotions in check is a tall order. But when out of nowhere, someone requests yet another cheese stick, we lose it. That ADHD rage is real. 

“When you hit that point, I like to think there’s a kind of an out-of-body experience,” Key said on ADHD Aha! “I’m watching myself go totally off the rails and it’s like my body’s like, ‘I have to get this stress out of my body. I cannot contain this anymore. I cannot hold it anymore. I cannot carry anymore.’ …This runaway train just takes off.”

And after the rage is done? Hello, guilt and embarrassment! “And even though emotionally you may feel like crap because of what just happened, physically, I feel better. I feel more regulated. But everybody around me is reeling from me,” said Key. “It might be one of the most painful things that I personally experience as a mom with ADHD.”

Taking care of yourself and finding support can help those rage moments happen less frequently. Most of the time, it’s the simple things that help the most, like making sure you’ve eaten. Try focusing on what you can realistically do each day to feel good. 

“You can’t ignore your basic needs and then expect that things are going to go well. As much as we try as moms, like it doesn’t work,” said Patricia Sung, an ADHD coach, on ADHD Aha!

Wait, you want me to be in charge of everything?

Managing ADHD is hard enough when you only have to take care of yourself. Add kids into the mix and it can feel like you’re running a marathon uphill. 

“I think people underestimate how difficult doing those basic human things are when you have ADHD,” Understood editor Rae Jacobson said on ADHD Aha! “When am I going to shower? When am I going to have lunch? And then when you’re trying to make sure that that happens for another person, two or multiple people, it’s just, it’s bonkers. It’s so hard.” 

Have you ever done a task and then immediately forgotten if you did said task? Me too! Planning and using smart systems (read: the strategies that actually work for you) can help. To stay organized, create a designated spot for essentials like your keys, phone, and anything else that’s easily misplaced. Get pill organizers for your medications, make lists, and use a planner. Reminders on your phone or computer for appointments and important dates can help too.

As anyone with ADHD knows, starting a routine is easy. Sticking with it is another story. Keep routines simple and easy to follow and aim for consistency, not perfection. If you don’t hit on the right routine right away, that’s OK. Building habits takes time. It might take some trial and error to find something that works for both you and your family.

That said, keeping it simple isn’t always, well, simple. “Sometimes having too many strategies or using too many strategies can also be a problem, because anytime you implement a new strategy, you are shifting into what I call manual mode,” shared Jessica McCabe, ADHD author and creator of How to ADHD, on ADHD Aha! “You’re actually making it, at least temporarily, harder on your executive function.”

Be patient with yourself (and your new routine). And when you do get into a groove, celebrate it! Small wins can make life feel less chaotic and more manageable. It’s like proof that you’re not just surviving ADHD. You’re thriving with it, for now. 

It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility

About 1 in 9 kids have an ADHD diagnosis,³ and research shows it’s often hereditary.⁴ It’s just how our brains work. But as parents, of course, we want to give our kids every chance to succeed and be happy. Having ADHD means that we know — all too well — how tough it can be.

So trust me, if you’ve ever felt guilty for “passing down” ADHD to your kids, you’re not alone. But recognizing that you and your child may have similar struggles can actually be a gift. You know what it’s like, and that’s something you can take advantage of.

“Knowing what we know about ourselves makes us such stronger advocates for our kids,” Jacobson said on ADHD Aha!

It starts with validation and sharing what’s been helpful for you. But also remember that your ADHD life hacks might not work for your child. Instead, help them find strategies that work for their brain, and be there for them as they figure things out. Of course, having your support doesn’t mean their life will be easy. But it can make things less difficult knowing you’re in it together.

Celebrate the good stuff

Enough about the struggles. My favorite part of being an ADHD mom with an ADHD kid? Letting him in on the secret: ADHD is our superpower. 

That hyperfocus? It means we can conquer a messy room in record time. Our impulsivity? Spontaneous dance parties! And that out-of-the-box thinking? We find creative solutions to everyday problems, like turning boring chores into a family competition.

As moms with ADHD, we know how tough it can be to live with the disorder. But we also understand how important it is to celebrate our kids’ strengths and help them through struggles. We can see our ADHD as an advantage, and use the insight it gives us to become fierce advocates for our ADHD kids.

We’re also often the first to spot signs of ADHD in our kids.⁵ And since ADHD in girls is often overlooked and shows up differently than it does in boys, a mother’s knowledge and understanding can help get her daughter diagnosed earlier.

But of course, having ADHD isn’t all upsides. For those times when we feel overwhelmed, taking care of ourselves and finding strategies that work for us is the best gift we can give to our kids. ADHD can go hand in hand with serious mental health struggles. If you ever need a little extra support, don’t hesitate to talk to a health care professional. 

Modeling self-care and advocating for our needs helps us be the best moms we can be — calmer, more consistent, and ready for anything. Well, at least until someone wants another cheese stick.