Mental load: The invisible weight women with ADHD carry

Women hold a lot in our brains. There’s our own stuff, of course. Where did I put my socks? When do I need to be there? But it’s often more than that. Women frequently end up as the keepers of family schedules, important dates, and other people’s feelings and needs. It adds up, and it can get seriously overwhelming.

The work of holding all that information is called mental load. And if you have ADHD, particularly if you’re a woman with ADHD, your mental load may feel downright impossible to carry some days. 

What is mental load?

Mental load, also known as “cognitive labor,” refers to the often invisible tasks you do to keep your household — and life — running.¹ Everyday tasks that add to your mental load:

• Check in on how everyone’s feeling. 

• Keep track of social details (birthdays, anniversaries, and condolences). 

• Make and schedule plans.

• Respond to texts, calls, or invitations.

• Help others get their tasks done. For example, help kids clean their room.

• Set, keep, and coordinate schedules.

• Remember what needs to get done.

• Remind everyone else what needs to get done (and check to make sure it actually got done).

It’s a tall order. And no matter your gender, if you have ADHD, navigating these invisible tasks gets even harder. This is partly because ADHD affects executive function, a set of skills (also invisible) that help us stay organized, manage time, focus on tasks, and switch from one task to another.² Challenges with those skills can make the mental load much, much heavier.

“It’s the exhaustion of trying to get yourself to do something, doing the mental math of how long that’s going to take … and then afterward, [the] mental exhaustion of just, like, beating yourself up so much and shaming yourself for not being ‘productive’ with this time,” Emily Weinberg, an ADHD coach, said on the Understood podcast ADHD Aha!

Managing mental load is different for women with ADHD

We all carry a mental load. But research shows that women are more likely to bear the burden of keeping up the invisible, but important, “household management” tasks.¹ 

Women with ADHD, especially those who are undiagnosed or untreated, often find themselves struggling. 

“ADHD in women is a feminist issue,” Rae Jacobson, senior editor at Understood and a mom with ADHD, said on ADHD Aha! “I think a lot about that cartoon that was very popular during the pandemic, where it’s like a woman bent over with, like, the chair on her back, and the baby’s crib, and the sink, and the dishes, and everything gets higher and higher. And I feel like if you put ‘ADHD’ on the stack, she would just collapse.” 

Understanding what mental load is, and how it can affect you when you have ADHD, can help you find ways to make it more manageable. Here are some ways mental load challenges can affect women with ADHD.

You’re masking (and it’s exhausting)

People with ADHD often feel immense pressure to “keep it all together.” This goes double for women. Many women with ADHD develop coping strategies to hide their ADHD symptoms. This is called masking.³ And it takes a lot of energy. 

“You’re always feeling like someone’s going to catch you and call you out for being a fraud or saying that you don’t belong, no matter how experienced you are, whatever background you have. It really comes from a lot of this insecurity and just never feeling good enough,” Mallory Band, an executive function coach and ADHD advocate, said on ADHD Aha! “And you don’t want to stand out and be different. You sort of want to just blend in and mask.”

Masking is a common coping mechanism. Recognizing when you’re doing it is a good first step in finding relief. “Step one was to be honest with myself about having ADHD. Step two was to remind myself that my neurodivergent mind doesn’t make me a failure in any way,” wrote Mayra Flores in “Masking My ADHD at Work Was Exhausting, So I Stopped,” a personal essay for Understood. “The greatest help, though, has been finding a colleague to confide in about my struggles. Support is a huge help when you’re feeling alone in your challenges. I don’t disclose more than I’m ready to.” 

Masking can feel necessary sometimes. For example, you might need to mask at work or in social situations. But at home, it’s important to give yourself a break. Talk to your partner, roommate, or even kids about what you’re carrying and ask for help. You can also use tools like calendars or visual schedules to offload some of the mental work. 

You feel “unproductive” or unable to make decisions

ADHD can make it hard to make decisions. But many women find themselves tasked with making a million tiny (and not-so-tiny) decisions all the time. What time should dinner be? What time is the birthday party, and what should we bring? Should I clean out the litter box or fold the laundry?

Decision-making can get very overwhelming, very quickly. So overwhelming, in fact, that you might find that you just freeze. Nothing gets done. This “freeze” is sometimes called “analysis paralysis.” To others, analysis paralysis might look like indecision, being lazy, or flakiness. In reality, it’s a reaction to a mental load that’s simply gotten too big.

“I have never felt that part, the analysis paralysis, so strongly as when I had my kids. Their naptimes were like torture for me,” Weinberg explained on ADHD Aha! “Because I think every single naptime they had, I immediately went into analysis paralysis. Exhausted. Can’t do anything. Didn’t do anything … You just want to sit down for a minute. But sitting down for a minute for me meant sitting down for the remainder. But not relaxing.”

Being kind to yourself — and asking for help — when this happens is important. If you have a partner, talk to them about how to share the mental load and explain how ADHD affects your decision-making. Remember: You’re not lazy. ADHD is a very real condition that affects how brains process information. 

You’re dealing with shame

Women with ADHD often feel shame. This is in part because women are often held to impossible standards. On top of all your other responsibilities, there’s also constant pressure to look nice, to have a clean house, to be a great listener, and parent, and employee, and partner, and friend.

Trying to keep up with all of these responsibilities and expectations is hard for anyone. But ADHD can make managing them even harder. And when you can’t measure up, it can be tough to be kind to yourself. Remember: ADHD is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, having a brain that works differently is often a great thing. Give yourself some grace. And focus on finding ways to manage tasks that work for you instead of beating yourself up for not being “perfect.”

“I’ve come to terms with, ‘This is my way of doing mothering. This is my way of doing house management,’” Cathy Rashidian, host of the Proudly ADHD podcast, said on ADHD Aha! Rashidian grew up with a mom who seemingly kept their house perfect. “It’s hard because she’ll give me that look, and I’m like, ‘Mom, it is what it is.’ Because she knows the dark side of that was I was really in a dark place where I couldn’t, and everything was piling up because I had this standard to meet. And now, I no longer have that. This is my standard … And I’m so, like, not ashamed of that now.”

You’re feeling burned out

There’s a reason it’s called a mental “load.” Carrying its weight is exhausting, especially if you have ADHD. This extreme type of exhaustion is sometimes called burnout. It can come from a combination of things, including stress at work, anxiety, depression, lack of support, responsibilities to take care of others, and ignoring your own needs. Signs of burnout include:

• Finding it hard to concentrate on tasks

• Feeling distant or numb

• Feeling like you have no energy

• Having bowel or stomach problems

• Losing motivation to complete tasks⁴

If you’re feeling burned out and think your mental load is contributing to it, you can try different strategies to find some relief. You can consider: 

• Opening up to a trusted friend or family member about how you’re feeling and discussing ways you can lessen your mental load

• Keeping a diary of what’s stressing you out, so you can notice where the burnout is starting

• Talking with a mental health professional who can help you learn how to self-regulate, communicate your needs, and understand your mind better⁵

• Talking with your provider to see if starting ADHD medication could help — or adjusting your dosage if you’re already taking meds

Carrying a large mental load isn’t easy. If you’re a woman with ADHD, it can feel downright impossible. You’re facing societal pressure to be perfect and the challenges of ADHD at the same time. Above all else, be kind to yourself. No “perfect” household exists. Reach out to people you trust to be supportive and find ways to lessen your mental load. You don’t have to carry everything alone.